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Regression and Recovery

JessicaAlex November 6th, 2014

I really hope that I put this in the right place, Ive never made my own forum post before. Anyway, I'm Jessica, Ive suffered from major depressive disorder and anxiety for 5 and a half years andI have been in recovery for almost 2 years. It has been very difficult and I have gone through hospitals and medication changes and so many other hardships to get to where I am today. However I feel stuck. I am happy to admit that I am finally stable, I have a job that I love working with children and no I didnt graduate highschool and yes I dropped out, but damn it I have a future and for the first time in forever I can see it. So why do I feel so wrong in this stage? Why do I feel so bad about saying this out loud like my reality will shatter from the sound of my voice? Im genuinely afraid to talk to my therapist because Im pretty sure talking about it will take it away. I cant jinxmy happy with talk of regression and I cant admit that I am happy because thatswhen it will be taken away. I guess what Im trying to ask is, is this normal? Is this part of the recovery process? If so, how do I overcome this? How do I talk to my therapist when I cant even admit these things to myself? How do I stop being so afraid of recovery when Im terrified most of all about regression?

I dont know what I expect to come from this or what I really even want from you guys. I was just kind of venting and my depersonalization took over. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Jessica

2
oliveBeechwood98 November 6th, 2014

Wow, that it the most amazing post I think I have ever read!

I have felt and still get these feelings :) Sometimes, when I hit a day when my happiness is rocked, it is like the an overwhelming fear comes over me. Like none of my life today is real and the rug will be pulled out from under my feet. I feel the fear right now because I am sharing this!

Thank you for sharing your feelings, I have felt so alone about this, recently, yesterday, andtoday.

Tony

milkteeth November 7th, 2014

I don't think I've ever heard what I'm going through put perfectly into words like this! I get so scared of recovery because I'm used to depression, and it's my comfortable (and also uncomfortable) spot. I'm scared I'll lose my creativity, but I prevent myself from being scared or upset within my situation by reminding myself that I'm in such a beautiful place at the moment, and that it's okay if I regress because getting back up is the point, even if it's not permanent. I know it's not much, but some days it does wonders!