New year same old depression

Hey guys!

I created this thread in hopes that some of you will relate so that we can feel less lonely.

Lately I’ve been struggling with my treatment and my support system. I’ve been partying and drinking and engaging in risky behavior, and that made me think a lot… I started to wonder why I feel the need to be wild and do things that I normally wouldn’t. And I came to a conclusion that I’ve been chasing a kind of high, I’ve been chasing numbness and euphoria.

My recovery journey has been bumpy, I got worse then I got a LOT better, then I got a Lot worse then I got to a point where I felt nothing and I felt like I was nothing, and so it was a never ending cycle, full of losses and wins.

And I am tired, I am tired of being fake hopeful and strong, I grew tired of being everything that everyone else wanted me to be. And so this year I tried to be someone else, someone normal and healthy, confident and sexy, wild and happy.

And let me tell you it had consequences.

I can’t be someone that I am not, and I can’t fake something that I don’t feel. It’s okay to feel down, to feel happy, it’s okay to be depressed and have moments of happiness, you are valid and your depression is valid.

It’s an exhausting journey, but I rather keep walking on this dreadful path full of ups and downs, than to live constantly on a never ending pit.

I tried to be a little positive in the end, but oh well.