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Never Good Enough...
RexG August 2nd, 2018
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Hello,

Im feeling like this since ever...

No matter what I do, I never, ever feel good enough. The finish line just moves with me... I just continue feeling miserable and worthless...

7cups offers this growth path and it recommends small steps... (like drinking 8 cups of water, getting enough sleep)

But its not just that for me... I make leaps. At least things I used to consider leaps... Here are 3 examples:

1) This one will sound wrong since hobbies and stuff like that are supposed to make you feel good and enjoy free time... For example, I like chess. I used to be 1000 elo (rating) and I remember wanting to get to 1400 (also I thought I would feel good for making so much progress, to me then). Now, a few years later, Im 1400 and the feeling came for 1second and an awfully convincing thought creeped in: Meh, so what... You can do better than this..

2) Now, school. (Grades 1 to 5, 5 being the best). I had only one 4, rest all 5s, and finally (as I thought I would feel content for making it a 5) I got all 5s... Now, Im like, So what, whats the big deal... and people there are like Wow, she has all 5s, kudos!... And then I think to myself... What if, the next year, I get a 4 again... Maybe in some other subject. I mean, I think I tried too hard and a feeling of disgust and fear just attacks me - How dare you even think about getting worse?

3) Its summer now, so I stopped thinking about that... Now I got interested in programming so I learned some languages, programmed something I reacted on before with omg how do they do this... And just nothing... I am pushing myself further and further... Always thinking that Ill feel a bit better about myself...

But nothing... I just continue feeling awfully miserable about myself and my life... I researched it even... Got tons of reasons for it, found my own, but no solutions... I just dont know what to do... It applies to things, subjects, people...

I feel like everything I look at from a distance is a shining star, so bright in the night sky... And when I touch it, it just fades away... Becomes nothing... Why do I put out every flame, no matter how great, with just my presence? - this is the best description Ive come up with...

Thank you for reading even parts of this text... I sincerely hope you will find an answer if you are feeling this way too...

1
AJayZa August 2nd, 2018
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@RexG You are more than good enough. With depression, you never realize how amazing you are. Everyone sees you as smart, beautiful, etc but, to you that isn't the case. You always want more. Your standards for yourself keep getting higher and higher until they become completely unrealistic. Are you constantly wanting to achieve more for other peoples' approval? If so, please realize that people will love you for you, no matter how much you do or don't achieve. When people compliment you, please meditate on what they said. If you achieve something amazing, please pat yourself on the back a little longer before you start trying to chase the next big thing and, if you've made it as far as you can get, please congratulate yourself for doing so. You worked so hard. You deserve to feel good enough because you definitely did more than good enough. Please try to focus on more positive things. I know with depression it can be hard and, sometimes being in the bottom is comforting because of the fear of going back to the top, only to be knocked down again or, you convince yourself that you're being selfish, or that you don't deserve to feel better but, you absolutely do deserve positive feelings and thoughts about yourself. Don't beat yourself up anymore, please. Please try your best to see and recognize how amazing you and what you're accomplishing is. Praying for you <3. -AJay

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