Need to release
I've been living and struggling with depression for 23 or so years now. I feel that maybe if I share some of what's in my head, maybe I'll feel lighter.
I've kept my depression hidden from everyone around me, I just though it was normal to feel numb and gray. The only time my family knew was when I had a failed suicide attempt when I was 20. I felt so much shame and guilt that they knew now, that they'd seen that part of me, that I locked myself down even tighter, keeping everything hidden as best I could. It's like I've been living a half life, for my entire life.
It was hard to hide the giant scars on my arms, but I found that sleeves and turning my forearms a certain way helps to deflect the attention. I married a man with his own host of problems, combat related ptsd, anger issues, a tendency towards alcoholism, and though I love him, I recognize that it's effectively increased all my own mental health issues.
I thought I hid my problems good enough. I thought that no one could tell that my baseline mood was numb, that most days I feel like the most worthless, weak, and pathetic human on the planet, but then I heard my 2 little daughters talking about how "mommy hates herself".
I don't want to be that kind of mommy anymore. I want to be a good role model for them, I want to be able to live with myself and enjoy that life, instead of just waiting patiently for death to take me. I've tried meditation and mindfulness, and while it's shown me that I can be healed, that I can change my thought processes, it's still so easy to slide back in to my messed up mind.
@cathy789
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I can tell that you've been through so much in life, and that you find yourself now in a really difficult spot in terms of self-image, self-esteem, and general outlook. Your desires to be a better role model for your daughters is incredibly admirable! I would be glad to chat with you about this if you would ever like to. Feel free to message!
@cathy789
I have battled off and on depression/anxiety (wrapped up in a blanket of PTSD) for years as well.
I honestly think it's really great that you want to be the best you can for your daughters. And I feel like what you mentioned in your last paragraph is so important; that meditation and mindfulness have taught you that you *can* be healed.
From my own experience, and when I have felt temporary reprieves from my PTSD, I feel that it is so important for us to have those moments where we temporarily feel healed. Because they let us know that it can happen, and we know what it feels like to be in such a better headspace.
As you said, though, it's so easy to slide back into our default thought patterns. I think that's where mindfulness can really play a part in us regulating ourselves towards avoiding those unwanted thoughts.
Thank you so much for your post!
