My life is just useless and worthless.

I'm Damian, 21 years old, from Italy, and I was born with a rare illness called Moebius Syndrome (Facial paralysis and club feet are the main problems with this illness).

I remember when I was 14 years old I always daydreamed about my future: I was going to finish high school, find a job, earn enough money to move out from my parent's house, buy myself the latest gaming console, get the latest Call of Duty/Grand Theft Auto game and spend my free time playing online. Looking back at that 14 year old self I think I was a bit naive thinking that I would enjoy spending all my time playing games and never socialising with other people in the real world. I look back at this 14 year old self who thought that once you pass the age of 18 everything will be great and cool.......little did I know back then that things would just get worse. My parents would divorce, I was held back at high school, only barely graduated from high school and then that "finding a job" turned into enrolling into university. I only lasted about a semester. I took 3 exams and miserably failed all 3 of them.....can't really say I was really prepared for the exams so yeah. I dropped out and tried to enroll in another university. To get in I had to pass a entry exam, somehow I managed to weasel myself into university. Great new start right ? Wrong. My first day at university has also been my last day so far. I had 3 lectures scheduled for that day. I went to my first one and about 30 minutes in I got an intense panic attack.....so intense I barely even made it through the whole lecture. I had 2 other lectures scheduled but after the first I already couldn't take any other and decided to just go back home.....This happened in September and here I am in November........tired,sad and feeling like life is useless. My path is pretty much sealed since I can't really keep up with all the lectures and the stuff : Either I drop out now or I drop out at the end of January. The only difference would be that dropping out now would save me the humilation of having to take exams where I don't know anything and basically get really bad grades. Another year wasted.......yeah so cool someone got some champagne to celebrate ?

A few weeks ago I went to a psychiatrist and she told me that she was worried that I would go into a depression and that I should seek help from a psychologist. So I did and last week was my first encounter with her and........yeah never mind my depression will probably get even worse.

I'd just like to finish this post with a bit of a rant. Mostly directed to my parents. I'm glad they can't read this because for real if I hear one more time from them "all of this is just a question of will, it's like the smoker who wants to quit smoking. He just has to have a will" I'm going to scream. They both like to point out how " oh this is probably because you are afraid of other people and you have low self esteem". Well you don't say............and why is it like that hmmm ? Could it be that they treated me always like I'm stupid ? Or could this depression maybe come from the really pleasant enviroment we had for so many years ? You know the enviroment where both of them would scream and yell at each other, where the one was threatening the other to take the kids and leave ? The enviroment where you would scream and yell at me when I expressed fear over the multiple surgeries that I had to undergo ? The utterly disgusting divorce legal case where both of them would find seemingly every day another new way to make the life at home even more unpleasant. There is way too much pain that comes from childhood and my teen years .........so please forgive me if I can't handle all of that. I'm only human but rest assure I will never forget what happened and unfortunatley is still happening in this thing that should be a "family".