My day today
I'm a 30 years old. I live at home with my family still and I've been battling with depression, six or eight years now. That's just a quick general. Not what I'm posting about. Today a friend who was running a d&d game as the dm. Well she cancelled. She said she just didn't feel prepared enough. I've dmed before and I was terribly nervous and I wanted to cancel and she talked me out of it. I'm also in love with her though she doesn't know. I can't tell her that as she is dating a good friend. The point is I wanted to inspire her, be the white knight so to speak. It was hard to except it. That nothing I said took away her anxiety the way she had helped me. I know it's not fair to her or me to put that pressure or responsibility on myself. She wasn't asking for help. She told me she was stressed. I said I would help in any way I could if she needed me. That was it. I'm just sulking I guess while I don't feel bad, I want her or any DM to have fun with the game, I felt bad because I really look forward to the game.
@selfconfidentSky2527 I miss playing D&D. I've had so much fun playing it with friends. Never DMed though because it's indeed very stressful. You seem to really care about your friend and want her to have fun playing the game so you feel guilty for not being able to lower her anxiety and talk her out of canceling. You've said it yourself, it is not your responsibility. I think that just trying to help her makes you a good friend. Don't beat yourself up over it.
A lots happened since I last posted. On the good side of things I think the things I'm learning on 7 cups is really starting to have a positive effect. On the bad side of things, well my friend that I have feelings for, I think she suspects or senses something. We've both been acted a bit differently, almost snippy like we are starting to annoy each other, I really don't want to lose her or her boyfriend as friends. I think soon I'm just going to have to give myself space so that things don't escalate and I lose them. One of my best friends just lost his father. He's kind of anti social and I was kind of the only one there for him. I kind of feel annoyed by our friends but I know they were busy with acceptable reasons, family, work. I guess I just felt useless and really wanted back up being there for my friend. Lastly I'm trying to figure my life out even one workable goal, I'm just not finding the motivation to do anything I think of, I'm barely saving money, I'm not writing, I'm just in limbo again.
@selfconfidentSky2527
My situation is similar to yours. I am in love with my best friend, but can't tell her because it will ruin our friendship. Maybe it is a good idea for you to give yourself some space if you feel like that's necessary. Anyway, I'm glad 7cups has had a positive effect on you and good on you for being there for your friend. I think you are a very good person.
I'm feeling pretty great today. Everything seems ok, no stresses or complaints at all really. I think it's going to be a good day.
I had such a good streak going. Yesterday I gave up. The subject of money came up in my life again and what little savings I had is now gone. Despite the bad living situation and the loneliness, I can keep going. Money, I can't seem to ever get ahead. I worked so hard just to save the amount I had and to lose even that. I just don't want to try anymore. I'm having sucidal thoughts, not to freak anyone out. What's worse is the part of me that just wants to live. Just find a way to live my life in a catatonic state of not caring or trying. Like a living zombie. I hadn't cut myself in months. Yesterday I did. Shallow scratches on my wrist just to get that burning feeling. It's not really about trying to hurt myself in a prelude to suicide. It's about feeling the pain to appease the sense of self punishment I need to fulfill. I feel like everyday is wasted on me. I'm as far as I'll ever get in life. Some people can change their lives but I'm not one of them. Either my luck is cursed or I'm just to weak willed to really change. Probably both.
