Major depressive disorder and complex ptsd
Ok here we go, I was physically,sexually and emotionally abused from the age of 4 to 13 by family members. I am 49 now and 2 plus years ago all the pain came racing back. Memories and intrusive thoughts haunt me every day. I was basically able to maintain my life before . Now I only want to escape and run,two things I could not do as a kid. I just can't understand how the people who were supposed to protect and love me could do such hurtful things. I am falling to pieces quickly! Do they even know how badly I am suffering ? Also how can I stop dissociating and isolating ? I am freakin afraid to leave my house!! What's going on?????
Hi,
Although I have never been through this myself I veryclose fried of mine . We are both 16 years old and I recently discovered that she was physically and sexually abused by her father. I never met him (now I know why) he is currently in jail. She still cries on his birthday, as he would use it as an excuse to touch her but she is getting so much better. It took her a while to accept that it wasnther fault but now that she has she says life is easier. You need to understand that they were bad people who shouldnt of hurt you, you were child and they took advantage of that, its their fault. I tell her that everyday, wether in person or a phone call or text. And she beleives that that and the help of her therapist (which I suggest you get too) she is becoming happier, more confident and trusting.
Hope that helps.
Thank you so much Bethany,
you are wise beyond your years which basically means that at 16 years old, you are very knowledgeable ! Your friend is very lucky to have you and please continue to support her. I am slowly taking steps to heal. The steps are not straight sometimes. It's easy to become lost emotionally. Thank you for replying to me. YOU ARE A GREAT FRIEND!!!!!! Take care❤️
I am so sorry this all happened to you. Healing can happen. That's for sure. I have seen it over and over with people who have been so very abused. BUT it takes time. And of course the right kind of therapy.
I think it feels so cruel that it comes up again. And again. And it doesnt seem to get any better. But I can tell you that even though the road is very long and arduous, healing can happen. I have seen it with many people who were hurt as much as you.
Again, I am so sorry you were so very abused.
Thank you for replying,
sometimes it burns inside of me ,all the trauma. Sometimes it takes me so far away from the present . Sometimes I am angry. Sometimes I feel the need to confront these people who have left so much pain. Sometimes I have trouble understanding their behavior . Sometimes I don't want to live anymore..... Sometimes I feel defeated. But one thing is for sure, I will ALWAYS have these awful memories!!!!!
I will tell you what I know. While we are healing from trauma it can feel worse. Everything can come up even more than ever before. We do feel much worse before it gets better. And it does take a long time to do the healing work.
Yes, you will always have the memories. But with the work you are doing, the memories can get to a place where they do not run your life. They will be there in the background. The PTSD can get a lot better. A LOT better. Yes you honestly can heal from this. The memories will always be there. But not like now.
I wish the healing process didnt involve things feeling and being so much worse. Sadly, that is part of it. I call it walking back through the fires of h**** Because thats often what it feels like. And it can feel downright cruel to have to go through that as part of healing,.
But I can tell you this, as horiffic as it is, and as much as it feels like the pain will never get better, as long as you are working on it, you can reclaim your life from this PTSD. The thing is, I am sorry you had to go through what you went through. So very sorry. Sending some very safe hugs if you would like them
Thank you, I cannot believe how horrible it feels to revisit the past. I don't believe that I will ever be whole again! Something was stolen from me a long time ago that I can never get back! And really, I thought I already paid the price for other peoples wrong doings by not having a childhood. I was wrong. Honestly I have many days when I want to give up..., many days when the emotional pain is worse than the actual abuse.
It sounds like you have PTSD also. How do you get through all the pain?
Do you ever think of giving up? How long should I give myself to heal? It's been too long and I am tired! I no longer want to deal with this. I feel like I have lost and my abusers win.
Sweetie, what you are feeling is crewlly normal. It does feel worse when the memories come back. Sick sick sick how that happens.And it feels like it will never ever end. And that there is no way we can ever take back our life and our power. THIS is excatly what it feels like.
Somehow people do make it to the other side of it all. The get through the memories that feel worse than when it originally happened. They make it through the powerlesness of the PTSD and all. The work at it in counseling. And in the end they do take their life back from their abuser (s). You ask how long it takes. I am sorry but it is not a short process. I say this bluntly because it is important for you to know that there is a reason why it seems you are not making progress. Recovery is long. AND it feels worse, a lot worse, before it gets better.
Your only ammunition is that you are in counseling. That and determination to get through this no matter what. PTSD does feel worse than the original abuse. You are right about that. BUT it is not forever. And the end result is you WILL take back your power. Your abuser will not have power over your life. When? I do not know. But as I said, your ally is that you are working on it. No matter how hopeless or powerless it and you feel, just know that many very amazing and strong people have gone through this. Felt just as powerless and hopeless. And they have made it through those fires of h***. I am so very sorry for the pain. Sending safe hugs that hopefully will ease you for even a moment.
oops, didnt do spell check before I posted that. Sorry
I appreciate your encouragement. I was able to function and live for many years after the abuse. I mean this is abuse that happened 30 plus years ago. This struggle, this pain, and the work I need to do is not worth it! The past has caught up with me. I am so close to the point of breaking down. I have thoughts about dying and I see no way to find peace. I'm sorry but that's how it is for me.
Hi, I just wanted to say I have MDD(Major Depressive Disorder) and GAD(Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as well... So yeah. No one here is alone. And I think its important that we all know that. And that we all know to tell ourselves that when things get dark. 
PTSD, flashbacks etc from old abuse is so horrifying to deal with. And no you both are not alone. Sadly you are in very good company. Good people trying to navagate the flashbacks and pain and all else that goes along with it. You are Not alone
Then why do I feel so alone? Ok I'm not alone here! I get that! I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. We ALL have our demons that haunt us. Saying that I am not alone does not make me feel any better because the reality is I AM ALONE, right here and right now!
I'm sorry you feel this way. I think what they're trying to say--at least i hope--is that they understand you feel alone right now but if you ever want to not be for a little bitor if there's a time when you're feeling really lonely you can come talk to someone. I think they're saying that if you ever need someone to be lonely with you, they'll be there. I know that saying 'you're not alone!' doesn't really mean much. you know what you're going through better than we can. I think what they're trying to say and I'm trying to say is that if you want someone can be lonely with you if only for a little while.
I know, I am sorry. I am grateful for the support and feedback. Every one deals with trauma differently . The reason I am feeling so alone is due to the fact that I never relied on anyone, I didn't have that choice in childhood . So I had to learn how to survive ALONE. I am beginning to see that these coping skills ( dissociation, relying on no one, and trusting no one) are stopping me from getting better. 😞
Hey, there's no need to apologize. You're being great. I'm sorry that you had to go through that alone but I'm glad that you've been so strong and learned to work through it on your own. That's pretty amazing. And even more amazing that you realized you don't have to still do it alone and that there are people here for you.
Broken, I'm glad you came and started looking for this kind of support. The userame you chose says a lot.I have been in that place where I did feel broken, and I'm sure I will be there again. Knowing that you are doing all these things to try and get better, and having so many of them feel completely unhelpful, or in fact harmful, is extremely discouraging.
But as I said, I am glad you came here. It shows that you are still on some level trying. I have been there wanting to give up, feeling like there was nothing about life that could make having to live it worth the pain I was going through. (At least, it sounds to me like that's what you are saying.) I remember my therapist sounding frustrated, and saying to me, "So what? Nothing will ever get better, and no one can help you, and you're just going to give up?" And I thought, "I've given up already." But what I realized later that day was this. If I'd completely given up, why would I even be still talking to the therapist? I talked to one of the listeners here. It was a small step -- not giving up.
I see you also taking the steps, big and small. Finding a therapist who can (a) work well with you, and (b) is any good at dealing with that kind of trauma is very challenging. You have taken on some of the most challenging work I can imagine. No wonder you feel discouraged. I don't know of anyone who could go through that kind of work without encountering significant periods of discouragement. One thing I can tell you is that I have come across people who have managed to work through issues like yours and got to a place where they were doing okay. I hope and believe that can happen for you, too, because I see how hard you are working at it.
My I ask, for clarification, are you seeing a therapist now? I couldn't tell if you meant you had before, or if it was ongoing...
Yes I am currently working with a therapist who practices EMDR. I have been to multiple therapists who decided that I wasn't doing enough to get better so they referred me elsewhere. When I first started the EMDR work I thought "oh wow, I got this, I can do this". Turns out I can't. The deeper we go into my past, the worse I feel. I was aware that this may happen, and was told it is "normal" to feel the way I do. Really? Because for me there is nothing normal about wanting to die! Every single day!
When the memories are up, "normal" =he**. Its horrific. Going through it all again. And yes, it can feel worse than the first time. It feels endless and futile. But it is not endless and futile if someone is working on it. Even though that is the EXACTfeeling. Added to everything else there also is that out of control feeling.
I have seen healing happen for many.... who work on it. Sadly, the only way I have ever heard to heal is to do what you are doing. Walking back through it in therapy. Its horrible. But it is the only way. And as much as itdoesntfeel possible, a lot of healing can be the end result of walking back through it with theEMDR. I am SO verysorry you were so abused.
It's ok. You don't need to be sorry. I feel trapped in my body and thoughts. There is another way out. I am not willing to discuss it. I find comfort with knowing that I do have some sort of control. I am not continuing therapy. You are right., it is horrific, torture, and like walking through h**l. I am not doing this to myself anymore.
While the process ofre-memberingaka healing is he**, I have never seen anyone be able to stuff the memories back once they have started. So I have never seen anyone have success in stopping therapy and getting relief. Because while therapy may make things worse for a while, not being in therapy ends up making the pain one notch better. With no way to work on it and leave it in the past.
I know that its a powerless feeling. But I think the real power is in staying in therapy no matter how out of control and horrible everything feels. Because from anything I haveexperiencedor heard, its the only way out that ends up bringing healing. I personallydon'tthink the other option you were hinting at even works out. For reasons I will not go into here. If I thought it would be a real option, I would have taken that option. But Idon'tthink it works out like people think. And the results can bring even more pain. So if there is any way,. I wish you would stay in therapy. As painful and awful as it is.Just keep posting. But I hope you will stay in therapy
I just read your post. I am here if you would like to talk.
I appreciate your offer. I've talked so much to so many people. I am deeply depressed. Every day feels worse. I have no energy left. Nothing helps. I have tried very hard to pick myself up. I feel numb and lifeless. I am just taking up space. I'm not living, I'm existing. There's a difference. I'm ready to move on to my next life. It's gotta be better than the one I have now.
I have different spiritual beliefs. I am not so convinced that we get to move on to another life that easily. I think even if we take our life. Please reconsider that option. Believe me, if I thought that I could just leave this lifetime behind permenantly, I would have done it. But I have heard from too many people i trust that if I do not resolve things in this lifetime, I will get to try to resolve it again in another lifetime. Its what has kept me working on it now. Just saying what I have heard. And what has kept me here.
I was abused like you. I am 55. I am finding it still hard to cope. I DO try to get away from my thoughts. My main way of relieving the stress is going for a walk or just even being outside in a different surrounding. i thought that was ridiculous sounding when I did it first but I stuck with it. Changing your surroundings even just for a little while will help. I did not notice change at first but as I continued to do it the change started to build.
Another change for you is just being on here connecting with others or just even writing down your thoughts either to someone; go with a listener, or go here like you did. It is good that you even got the thoughts out of you and on to the computer to post right here in this section. I hope it works for you.
You are proving my point. You are 55 years old and still seek relief ! I have walked and sat in the sun and kept a journal. I believe that I have exhausted my options. Please don't be offended by my thoughts. They are mine and only mine. I take full ownership I of them . Continuing on works for you! Good luck , and thank you for sharing with me.
Dear Broken49-
Your posts on this thread have really spoken to me. I can see the pain you feel worsen as the tread went on. See, I feel exactly the same as you. I do not have the severe trauma\ in my past that you have, but there is trauma. One thing I learned somewhere along the way is that even being made fun of as a kid can be traumatic, if it affected you that way. I don't mean to minimize you feelings (so please ignore my rambling)...I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel the same pain that you are feeling. I too want to move on or somehow STOP the pain. Over the past week, I have seen SOO many posts about depression...and how friends can help someone who is depressed. They say the best thing is to just crawl under the covers with them and wait until the pain goes away. Given that advice, I actually tried to tell some people who I thought were my best friends that I needed help, or wanted to spend time with them, but they dont have time, or are too mad at my previous behavior to want to respond to me. So here I am, alone and in pain. You are too, and for that I am sorry. Feeling that constant lump in your throat and always wanting to cry and having a hole in your heart/soul (oh I don't know...somewhere in the core of you) sucks. Dont give up, you are not alone. yes the specific circumstances are different, but pain is pain, trauma is trauma. I applaud you for seeking help and wanting to work through it. If you need someone to be in pain with, I am here with you.
Thanks, looking around the forums only increases the urge to go away. There are so many people who have exhausted their options. I want to tell all of you who have posted here that you are appreciated. Your kindness and devotion to helping has not gone un noticed.
I need to explain why I am giving up. If you've ever put together a jigsaw puzzle and have almost completed it. You discover that there are a few pieces missing however you are able to tell what the picture is although pieces are missing. Now imagine that you have started putting together that same puzzle; however you have so so many pieces missing that you are unable to even start the puzzle because the picture is not clear andnever will be! I hope I was able to help many if you understand.
Yes alone and in pain. No one cares. No one wants to be bothered. We did nothing to deserve this heartbreaking pain. There is a huge part of me that is missing. Something inside of me has died. I am sorry that you suffer too. I long for peace and quite in my head and heart. I am lost.
That kind of pain is just awful. I know because I have loved people who have been through what you describe, And I have been through some of it myself. But they have been through it to the very max. Extreme abuse. And then the PTSD. And then the healing work. People I love very much. I did not know them until years later. But was a big part of their life after that And they, a big part of my life So I knew about the pain. But I also knew about the pain and the abuse I had been through..... Not anywhere near as bad But still enough so I understood.
I don't even care about the abuse I went through. So what, it happened, and there's no way to change it. I am tired of being a prisoner of it. I am tired ofbeing a prisoner in my home. I am tired oftaking meds that don't work. I'm so angry with myself for not getting over this. It was no big deal
I think its time to change your psychiatrist, your therapist, and you do'nt have much to lose. It could save your life. THink about it. Maybe your diagnosis is wrong, and clearly your course of treatment now is not working. What do you have to lose?
Nothing to lose.... I've lost so much already! Finding the motivation to get up is difficult. I'm exhausted. If one more person tells me about "coping skills" I am going to scream!
Change is like starting all over again from the very beginning! I won't survive ANOTHER change..
Yes so here I am stuck. I am losing my mind!! My only hope is to keep praying that I die in my sleep. If I had the courage to take my life, I would have beengone by now.