I'm a mess

My older brother and I got in a fight three years back that ended with him striking me three times. My parents did nothing to help us sort it out, or to punish him, so I descended into self-depreciating depression. For a long time I entirely took the blame for our family being broken up. Heand I can no longer look each other in the eye, let alone speak, despite living in the same house. I have a lot of pent up resentment for my family, and a lot of shame and self-doubt. I'd been dealing with anxiety, especially social, since I was little (and I think I have some mild OCD), and it's become crippling. I've been unemployed for six months, too terrified of the interview process and what people might think of me, and how I would do. My anxiety and depression are controlling my life. I've been struggling with guilt and shame about eating, and lost 16 lbs over a two week period. I'm a mess.

I'm not about to commit suicide right now, please don't worry, but it's on my mind and I feel like it's an encroaching "deadline". I don't want to try anymore, I want to just waste away into the relief of darkness.

I hate the idea of needing help.

I was raised in a way that has made me overly concerned with appearing perfect, and that anything I need I should be able to do on my own. My parents wanted independent kids. I've always had trouble asking for help, even back in school. It just builds as frustration and self hate.

I've tried a counselor/therapist four times. First told me I was too much for them to handle, second was when I was hospitalized for my cutting and they had a checklist and treated me like I wasjust another problem, and a waste of their time. The thirdtold me I was just like everyone else. I abandoned the fourth after he proved himself unempathetic (I can appreciate someone being rational, but I need you to connect with me somehow) and unsupportive.

I hate it when people tell me to go talk to someone. It makes me want to never express myself again. It feels like being condemned as problematic. I understand that I need to rewire my thoughts, but it's so incredibly hard to.

I understand that the listeners here aren't supposed to give advice, but when I get the equivalent​ to apat on the hand while they validate my feelings with, "That must be hard/I'm sorry/I've felt that way".over and over again, it feels like a mockery. It's so impersonal and I already feel so lonely. I had a excellent listener though - patient, persistent and willing to connect -she and I turned out to have some things in common. :] I can be quite difficult at times, especially when I feel trapped or under scrutiny (ie. every counseling situation).

My optimism and cheer is always fleeting though, and I'll be settling back down on the bottom soon enough.

I'll be getting another month's supply of my antidepressants soon - I'm worried I'll do what I did last time - take them all over the course of a very high week and then suffer terrible withdrawal afterwards. It's hard to resist. My mind is so much clearer when I'm high or withdrawing. The depression makes everything so cloudy and all I want to do is run from my problems and hide. It's pretty much what I've been doing. How I am supposed to reapproach the world? I feel like it would be so much easier to give up, and while I try to remind myself that there are things I'd still like to do, none of my reasons seem worth it. The only reason I'm here now is that I'm terrified of driving my best friend or boyfriend to depression. I don't want to be responsible for anyone suffering the way I do. Is it going to be enough? When I get overwhelmed and I desperately need a way out, will I be able to hold on?

I'm sucha difficult person to help because I refuse help unless it's presented in exactly the right way.. But don't ask me what that way is.It doesn't help I'm really stubborn and egotistical (despite hating myself - I guess I'm just overconfidentabout my intelligence sometimes).I tease that there are two people in me:the patient and the counselor, and they never meet.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to feel like me again, and not to be so bogged down with overthinking, internal put-downs, and all-consuming shame. Sometimes I feel like it'll never get better and I'm just delaying the inevitable.

,,,

To anyone who's made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my bullshit. I'd like to hear your thoughts, but it's alright if you'd rather not.