I lost the only thing that could actually help me with my depression

It wasn t easy, dealing with all those...things. Mostly alone. Father alcoholic, abuser. Even after his death I still had nightmares and depression. Year after year, someone would be okay but I don t know why, but It was just worse.

I m that weak I guess. I even fell deep into anorexia. No one knew that, I lied to my own mom after throwing all the food into a bin.

And then I got my first dog. It was just a dog, little puppy but for me it was like unofficial service dog. All my monsetrs, was gone. All my being was just focused on this little puppy. When she was small, she fell into a frozen river, I didn t hesitate for a second, I jumped after her, I saved her, I just didn t care what will happend to me. I had to save her.

And just 3 days ago, she got so sick, and I wanted to save her again, I drove miles to the next big city, to the best vet clinic here in full speed. Just to save her.

She was just 2 years old. They told me, they will help her. I was holding her in my arms, begging them.

I couldn t save her. I didn t save her. All my monster from past are hunting me again. I can t deal with that. I need her so bad. It s so selfish, I know...it s stupid...I probablly didn t deserve her.