I just don't what to do anymore.
I'm 17 and have had depression for 4 years. During those 4 years, I've kept this secret as well as I possibly can due to my fears of being misjudged and misunderstood. Therefore, none of family nor friends nor anyone around me knows how much I'm suffering. For the past 2 weeks, my depression has felt nearly unbearable. As a fairly introverted person normally, I shut myself away in my room whenever possible. I'm constantly tired, out of energy, and I feel like I've lost the will to do anything - including doing some of the things I love. Naturally, my lack of will is really affecting my schoolwork. I'm currently in Term 3 of Grade 12 and just recently told my English teacher that I didn't have an assignment to hand in. So far, that's my 4th incomplete assignment this year. Tomorrow will be my 5th. Without the motivation, my lack of effort is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety around school and the future. I've felt like crying every single day and am beginning to struggle with not doing so in front of others (I'm afraid a few people may have already noticed me looking a bit teary-eyed). Whenever I get the privacy to, I do cry most of the time and it always makes me feel worse. I often have suicidal thoughts (almost daily) which are accompanied by other thoughts of hopelessness and self-hate. Earlier this week, I had seriously planned to commit suicide. I'll spare the details: I researched online, prepared everything, and hesitated at the very last second before realising once again that I couldn't do it. For the next hour, while I still had full privacy, I sobbed uncontrollably. I've also been blaming myself for being weak ever since (which I did all the time before anyways). I just don't know what to do anymore. I think I want to die - but I get scared and never follow through. I always think, "What if I change my mind when it's too late?" and "What if it's a failed attempt?" and I am always consumed by guilt when I think about my loved ones. Sometimes I think I want to get help - but again I get scared and back out of telling someone how I really feel. I feel so miserable, alone and stuck all the time that I can hardly believe things will supposedly get better. I can't bring myself to commit suicide, but I can't stand living this way. All I want to do is stay in my room but that's impossible for me to do - I can't do that to my Mum. There is no happiness in my life, only pain. I just don't know what to do anymore. Sorry for this post being so long.
Also, does anyone have any tips on how to stop crying/keep yourself from crying haha It's becoming a real problem for me. I've almost broken down at school and on the bus so many times this week... I don't think I'd be able to handle reality anymore if I actually do it one day. Plus, tt'd be hard for me to explain...
Calmcup1821 my god girl you sound just like me and I know your pain I feel it deep inside me sometimes the only way I've made it through the day was to think or plan the way out of this hell getting up in the morning was impossible knowing the pain would continue I started to envy the dead and dying my nightmare started in childhood and continues to grow years later I recently did plan my exit down to the last detail but at the last minute something stopped me and I found a local support group they meet every Monday night I was very scared to go scared of what they would think of me if I did open up and again almost backed out but I had to try they said I didn't have to talk if I didn't want to but my problem was that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop or that maybe I'd say something to unthinkable and asked to leave you see no one has ever been there for me no one wants to listen as I said I did go and I talked and even though it was my first time it changed me already just to have someone there to listen and not judge me has made me feel so much better and when other talked I realized that I'm not alone in this and I'm not crazy my feelings are normal for what I've been through MY POINT IS I'M HERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING it will help LET ME HELP YOU !!
Really well done you for daring to go to that group .
Thank you brightpeach it was very difficult to go alone I asked a few " friends" to go with me but they don't want to seek help they enjoy the darkness as I did BEFORE but not now I'm looking forward to the light of new friends and people that I can count on to be there to guide me to the safety I've already found here
Thank you very much for your kind words of support. I'm happy that you found such an amazing support group and reading your reply has somewhat comforted me about my own situation. Maybe one day I'll also be able to tell someone face-to-face how I really feel.
@calmcup I might not have done this the right way but I did answer your post by posting to the thread instead of clicking reply so if I did do this wrong forgive me and please read my response love always
It may sound so silly, @calmCup1821, and I think it rather is, but to shift my focus and hold my tears back, I'd thought about baby penguins ^^;
Just
look
at
those
sweet
balls
of
adorableness ^^
I just can't focus on my anxiety and crying, when I remind myself those fluffy birds exists. It's a bit unusual method, but it works.
It's okay to cry in front of others. If you need that release, then cry. Sometimes it's all we can do.
@calmCup1821
I get scared because i can hide it so well...... either they aren't worried or I'm a really good actress. I dont know about you but i stay with a happy mask all day just for my friends. I don't want them to have anything extra to handle so i pull it inside of me....... it works as long as my mind is being used.
I do exactly the same @Grey15. For years now I have constantly hidden my depression from my friends because...
1. it's become a natural instinct by now (my friends know me as a very happy person since I've always appeared that way); and
2. I don't want to burden them or have them possibly believe that I'm only complaining (I'm sure my friends wouldn't actually think that, it's just a sharing insecurity of mine).
You don't have to be scared by your ability to hide your depression. It's much easier to do than we may think. When it comes down to it human beings are masters of deception and can effortlessly form a smile when told to. It's easy to act "normal". At least when you've been doing it for a while. People hiding depression = experienced actors in everyday life.
Though it's also true that people are dense when it comes to noticing depression. I blame stupid stereotypes. When I confessed to a few close people that I had depression they all said the same thing.
"I never would have guessed YOU would end up depressed. You're always such a happy person."
News flash! Having depression does not equal being sad 24/7 12 months a year. Misleading stereotypes aside: if you're talking to a friend with a smile on your face as per usual, that friend would not be able to doubt your smile because they simply wouldn't think to. When actively trying to hide your depression, it's almost impossible for someone to realise it as they believe they have absolutely no reason to question you. In fact, it'd be pretty random if they did so while you were acting.
When I was your age I pretty much felt a lot of the Things you mention. My triggers where probably different but the responses and thoughts that got stimulated often resulted in a spiral of thoughts that caused depression. I am now in my fifties.life still brings up things that take me under but I catch myself early and take care of myself so the depression gets better. The thought that always saved my life was there has got to be a better way than this. You say you have fearful thoughts but when you think about that that fear those thoughts actually save your life .The guilt you feel stop you but that also saves your life. I was reading about guilt there are two kinds healthy and unhealthy but I would say your guilt is healthy guilt. It saves your life. Your mother would be pleased you have these life saving thoughts. These thoughts protect you. Fear protects you. Your survival instincts are keeping you alive. I'm wondering as you mention school and incomplete assignments is it school pressure volume of work that is the stimulus or trigger for the majority of your depression or other factors too? It's great that you are able to reach out on this forum . I'm not saying you are ready to tell a patrol carer at school or your mum or a friend or doctor as yet .but you never know one day you may feel you could tell someone which may bring you the support to deal with the practical pressures you are under in your school. The thoughts that give you fear and guilt are like a safety net but when they come if you can turn to an activity that nourishes you that could possibly help you which may take some finding . But something you could build in to your life as a self care self love action it may give you moments that you notice the scarey suicidal fantasies and thoughts will quite down. If you know what it is that stimulates these thoughts and feelings and it's something other than school pressure alone .do you think you would be able to open up to us all more. You are never alone and the kindness shown on this post may help you with self love and the value of self care for your own life. All I know is that you are doing your very best to help yourself and each day you do your best. Being a student these days is full of enormous amounts of pressure my daughters are now through school years every step of the way I watched them face challenges. Turning in wards in your struggle I hope you find the courage each day to some how work with your tiredness and diminished energy levels. As you share more and more with everyone at 7 cups of tea I hope you find a way through this phase of your life and find support to help your healthier thoughts grow stronger so you continue to survive and balance is gained to the point where you get better days with less disturbing thoughts and you notice a good day or so and joy refund in some activities you may enjoy. The mindfulness tips are very helpful . And every time you take one breath and notice a tiny gap between the alarming upsetting thoughts is one moments break in the cycle of stress . I hope very much this is a helpful post .
Thank you so much for your lovely reply. It was helpful. In regards to school: it is a big problem for me at the moment but I don't necessarily see it as a trigger. I believe that my struggles in school are due to my depression since, before it started, I was an A student with little to no problems. In other words, it wasn't until some time after my depression started that my grades gradually turned into what they are now. Though I do think that at this point of my life, school does play an important role in contributing to my depression (I'm guessing this is what you meant by the term 'stimulant'?). As for the major triggers, I'd say there are a number of things. My family is probably the main one as I believe that's what started it all. I have witnessed domestic abuse between my parents and don't seem to have any fond memories of my childhood. Even today, there are many people around me who I don't actually feel close to or would rather not see altogether. But I guess that's just something I've to put up with for now.
You don't have to see or put up with anyone I'm also someone that saw my parents fight many times and my "father" abused my mom and me in all ways you can think of it's hard especially if your still living at home but if your not living there YOU CAN FREE YOURSELF FROM THE PAST it took me all this time to understand that but you can you just have to KEEP FIGHTING you have friends now YOU ARE NO LONGER ALONE
I agree that I shouldn't have to put up with it. Though at the moment, it's kind of unavoidable. My only solution at home for the time being is to continue staying in my room as much as I can (which I'm just fine with).
I did that a lot my room was filled with books because it was the only escape I had now WE HAVE THIS😇
So true
Here's a story for you I've struggled all my life for everything but my saddest thing was the first time I lived alone when I moved into my first apartment it was a studio apartment and I moved in with just a suitcase I slept on the floor when I could sleep I worked 5 am to 3 pm I had no furniture or TV so when I got home I'd sit in the corner and cry until morning I did this for a couple of days then one day after work I went to a used furniture store bought a small bed. A black and white TV that only received one Chanel and a table now I'd come home watch that Chanel and made myself candlelight dinner and went to bed it wasn't paradise but it was mine shortly after I moved out to here and I still have used things but this is now my paradise maybe if you think of your future or even your room this way it might help start planning on what you'll be doing when you move out make a list of what you want in your paradise and build it BUILD ON YOUR FUTURE I promise you'll have a great one 😀😇
You're going through quite a hard time and it happens to all of us, albeit in different ways. So you're not alone.
Anyway, you probably have a best friend or small circle of real friends (since you mentioned you're an introvert, introverts tend to keep a small group of close friends rather than a larger group of regular friends) so odds are someone in there you can talk and confide to.
Otherwise, try seeing your school's counsellor.
Its probably hard but you have to try and keep up with your school work. If you flunk too many, then you fail a grade (or whatever) which will add your problems. You just have to power through it. Use any rationale you want, as long as that rationale can get you to finish your work. Probably at this point, I'd say just to a half way decent job (or even a bad job) at your assigments, which would be better than not handing them in at all.
You're obviously stronger than you think if you've managed to hide/handle your depression for 4 years. (Although no one should have had to go through something like this alone)
Just hang on a little while longer.
Thank you for your reply. You've really widened me eyes by calling me strong on the basis of me keeping such a secret for that long. I never thought of it that way, though admittedly I think my current evaluation of what is 'strong' and 'weak' is a bit warped at the moment. Maybe that's something I should work on fixing. As for telling someone, I do get why I should and, to some degree, I want to. I will try.
When you go through this stuff trust me the words strength and weak get switched in your head when I went through my 2nd out of 3 cancer fight everyone kept telling me how strong I was even people I didn't know asked if they could hug me or how did I find such strength outside I said it's what I have to do INSIDE I felt weak and cried all the time I KNOW YOUR PATH I KNOW YOUR STRENGTH !!!!!
I really like your response, @exampligratia. I think it's full of useful advices.
I really like your perspective on strength and length of struggles. Also, the thing of finishing half of the task, when you don't feel up to it, instead of avoiding it entirely, is a great tip! I often avoid my work stressors, and that way I create a vicious cycle of never-ending anxiety, so I will definitely remember your words.
You are great ^^ Thanks a lot for sharing and helping those in needs!
As I was saying in my last post about finding an activity you could turn to that may help you . My further thoughts on this is that as you where able to say how you feel to 7 cups of tea but also say that you can't tell anyone verbally yet . This being able to write may be the thing that you could turn to in order to create an activity that can be a healthy survival tool.. you may already know about the powerful en powering act of journal therapy. I would say for me it saved my life many times although the fear of someone finding the journal may be a factor for you. However how about this idea . Either buy two exercise books or set up two journals on your lap top or tablet. Then over a period of time write down as many thoughts as you can in one journal write all your thoughts that save your life for example you met ion the fear of suicide going wrong or thinking about not wanting to upset your mum.and this could have a title such as life savers or my life raft thoughts that hold me up. Then in journal number two try to capture all the thoughts that drag you under and depress you and fuel your dispair hopelessness etc and give that a title that suits you which you could call my depression. Empty and release everything that you have into your two journals. If at any point you feel totally swamped and your head swims and it gets to much whilst writing in the depression journal stop and take a breath and go back to your life raft life saving journal and do this till it feels safer to write out the depressing thoughts again . Once you have run out of energy for off loading. Lay down and put some music on that you find uplifting then focus on a colour that feels the happiest colour you know see the light of that colour filling you up . Gold or purple or yellow work well but you will know which colour you like . Then see it breath it in. Then if you can imagine a pair of scales see your journals one in one dish of the scales and the other journal on the other dish. At first you may see the depression journal tipping the scales totally outweighing the helpful more supportive life raft or life saving journal . But imagine the life saving journal bringing the scale dishes more in alignment with one another.until with practice and more writing you can see the scales tip and balance may be more equal between the two journals on the scales . After you have written and rested and visualizer you may like to eat and drink and rest again . Then possibly if feeling calmer you could pragmatically take a look at one of your assignments that you are required to complete and if you hit a point which you need support or understanding you could begin to think about which teacher you may need to ask a question of. If you where to cry when you approach ed a teacher for advice on the work most of them would not be put off by your tears. If you could find comfort and self support in the survival tool of journalling it can and is a life saver, you could also use it to work through many issues and see if you can see any patterns of outside things that trigger depressing thoughts and also inside triggers that cause more inward trigger thoughts. This way you get to know your own feelings of sadness better and you can begin to notice if for example some one else says something or does something that triggers you or its mainly coming from inward self talk. This way you get to see and observe you own inner and outter world's. I set a side time and write passages that I call project me and in this time I make all that I write about listening to myself. This is only a suggestion which you may like to try. But as you get older on your process of self discovery you may find other survival tools that help promote self care that helps you love you self so you can continue to save your life. If you think of yourself as a circle energy allow people and things that help you survive into this circle. Depression and sadness is very tiring as your speed of thoughts can be hard to capture and you may only be aware of the feelings and not always be aware of the situation or thought that have been stimulated. This is why keeping a journal can promote self knowing. I hope you find this idea of value.
Thanks again for your advice brightPeach. I'll confess, whilst I haven't tried keeping a journal, I see the appeal. I do sometimes vent on the notes app on my iPad. Though it's mostly just the depressing stuff and I always end up deleting it not long after. Anyhow, I'll give the positive and negative journal idea a shot.
Plus re crying if you try to keep the tears in wouldn't that bloke your feelings and lead to more depression, they say better out than in ?
By no means do I wish to restrain all of my tears 24/7. Though it frustrates me, I do treasure my private crying sessions haha. It's just that lately I've felt more overwhelmed and my recent increase in crying is even affecting me at school. I simply would just like to avoid crying in public... Or in the middle of class.
i know how you feel.I never have motivation..the only motivation i get is when i get to see my boyfriend but he goes to a military institute so its rare for me to see him. I have MDD which is basically depression for life , i take 10 mg Lexapro for my depression and anxiety , it is very hard to even get up for school in the morning.... school started two weeks ago and ive already missed 4 days of school. I just have to push myself and try to keep positive thoughts , i try to stay busy even though its very hard , in my spare time i play the piano or flute to stay busy because if i dont ill lay around and just have bad thoughts , ive been self harming for 3 years and i havent cut in 3 weeks so thats good but my best advice would be dont limit yourself because of your depression , you can do all things you set your mind to , stay positive and just try your hardest to keep going , you can get through this. <3 Im always here if you need to talk, Good Luck
UPDATE:
I managed to tell 2 of my closest friends about my depression and what I'm currently going through. It was across Facebook, not face-to-face. Today at school, I felt awkward and overly conscious of them, but I know I have their support and I'm glad to have told them. Thanks to all of you for your kindhearted support and advice. It really encouraged me to make such a big move (big for me anyways) ❤️
@calmCup1821, I am so glad and happy for you! It was so brave and you did it! I cannot even accurately express how proud of you I am ^^ You are strong, and invincible, and mighty, and persistent, and you can overcome every obstacle in your life! You are wonderful, despite the struggle, and you are worth all of the support. You are dong such a great job!
Again, I am so glad and proud that you've reached out! You are amazing. I hope you will keep us posted with your achievements, if you don't mind doing so. Sending all my love! 
You, amazing person, are so sweet! Haha thank you. Reading your message really made my cheeks hurt from smiling too hard ❤️ I do love this site and its community very much. Though I still have my problems, you and all of the other awesome members (and guests) on 7cups have really made such a huge difference in my life already. Becoming a member here is possibly the best decision I've made in my life so far 💕
Also, I would be happy to post whatever relevant achievements I've made here. May the updates continue 😊
Dear calm cup sorry I haven't been around my phone died and I don't have a computer anyway I'M SO PROUD OF YOU for opening up just keep fighting and I know you will be OK😇
Hi, @calmCup1821!
How are you doing, if I may ask? How was your day, my lovely friend? I just wanted to check upon you ^^
*hugs*
Thanks for checking in! *hugs back*
Yesterday was actually kind of a weird day. I was so tired haha. On the bright side though, a teacher of mine wants to give me a second chance on an assignment I didn't do (I didn't even know they could do that!). She's very nice despite not knowing why I 'couldn't' do it. Last night could've been better. I crashed when I got home, woke up feeling like shit and for some reason, my Mum and younger sister were in these weird and irritating moods. I guess I was feeling depressed. I'll admit, I was having suicidal thoughts. Also, my younger sister asked me if I was depressed which kinda freaked me out. She's been researching bipolar disorder recently and had noticed that I'd been crying earlier this week (does she perhaps think I'm bipolar!? Haha, interesting thought). Naturally, I lied about it. Mainly because if there was ever one person I seriously can trust, it'd be her. Plus, she's a main trigger for me sooo~ no. I highly doubt she'll press the issue any further, which is a good thing for me. Didn't sleep much but I'm awake now. Today, I just want to focus on having a 'me' day :)
May I ask how you've been @Celaeno?
@calmCup1821, I'm really glad to hear your teacher gave you an extension. I know you don't feel like confessing to them, but I can see they are really understanding of your struggle, and that they care about you. The same goes with your sister researching information to better understand your pain. I am thankful for the support you're receiving, even if sometimes it seems like a bother to you. But you don't have to push yourself. You are already doing a great job!
I am very happy that you decided to focus on your self-care today! You deserve any ounce of kindness and pampering ^^ I hope you will spend an amazing time resting. Functioning normally in the daily surroundings is exhausting.
Thank you for asking about me, lovely ^^ You're awesome! I am in the middle of depression relapse, trying out various meds and waiting for improvement. But I think the biggest storm passed, and I slowly regain my senses. Being depressed sometimes seems like a full-time occupation ^^
Lots of love!
Thank you for your thoughtful words of encouragement @Celaeno. Today was quite a nice day. I decided to rearrange my room and now I just feel... Refreshed :)
After re-reading my message, I can see how you got the wrong idea on something. My sister has actually been researching bipolar disorder for herself because she thinks that she may have it. As for her asking if I was depressed, I brought it up this morning and she didn't remember. Most likely, it's just something she said in passing. Sorry to confuse you.
Haha, I think I might like it if depression was a full time occupation, cause at least then I'd be getting something worthwhile out of it. Though, on a more serious note, I completely understand what you mean - depression can indeed feel endless. I personally feel as if any normal periods are just too rare and short. Then, when depression hits me full-on again, I start to have memory troubles and doubt whether I was ever actually happy or normal before, thinking that maybe I had just blanked out for a little while. I'm glad you're staying positive and hope that you'll feel much better very soon. If there's anything at all you wish to share, please do not hesitate to talk with me, I'd love to listen and be of some support to you as well so that I could hopefully help you as much as you've been helping me lately ❤️
Calm cup the journal therapy that someone suggested earlier you should really look into it! They had kind of an elaborate method which might not be necessary but they are right about the healing effects of journaling. This is backed by scientific research. I have tried it myself and it helps immensely. If you are worried about someone finding it, just destroy each entry after writing it and throw it away. I write mine in ink and then run the page under water so the ink blends together and the crumple it up and it becomes like paper mâché no one can read it. I have to take drastic measures because there are some snoops in my house lol.
@calmCup1821, you're so wonderful! Thank you so much ❤️
And thank you for explaining the situation to me. I appreciated that you trust me enough to share, You're so lovely, my dear.
Currently I'm participating in the weekly themed challenge, created by @QuickJazz. I want to work on my avoidance issues. Would you care to join us? It's fun and helps us go out a bit from our comfort zone.
Sending lots of hugs!
I feel the same way. I always try to do "it" but when I think of my mom I just feel like I'm being selfish. I feel bad thinking how would she feel if she saw me hanging in the ceiling or covered with my blood. I just can't do it. But I want to because I want the pain and struggles to end.
Please don't I know how hard this world can be I felt the same way but don't give into your demons you found your way here and it's safe you're not alone anymore I/we're all here for you STAY STRONG 😇
Today I want to quit life. I am just over it. I've accomplished most of what I wanted to do. I'm ready to go. The world is so full of crap so full of stupidity so full of drama. Why can't we just live with each other? Why are we always in conflict? Why must someone always insist on being right? Why do you need to have the last word? Why can't you say I made a mistake? Why do you feel like you need to overcompensate for your shortcomings. Why must I look at your horrible soul? Why are you a presence in my life. I despise your nature but it doesn't matter I can take make your reign of ignorance end. Goodbye world. You have shown me beautiful amazing things, beautiful amazing people. You have rewarded me in so many ways but at a cost. My sanity is lost. I am nothing but a speck of dirt in the wind touching people but never landing never staying never really making contact. It's time for me to go...
Please don't go. Please keep on fighting for your own life & sanity. You do matter, your presence has meaning.
PLEASE stay here and let us help you I know exactly how you feel I know the pain you're going through and I'm not going to say things will get better BUT THEY WILL GET EASIER stay and FIGHT I'll be standing right next to you we can do this together YOU FOUNDED SAFETY and love 😇❤
Hollywood, for a second I thought those were words that I have written. Please, give up, don't let go. I'd love to talk, I feel we share something very similar.