I have nothing worth sticking around for.

Why shouldn?t I commit suicide? No one can help me and it will never ?be okay?

I know one day I will kill myself. I?m sick of living for work. I have nothing to go home to, I don?t even know where to start trying to fix myself. All my life I?ve lived in forced isolation. I don?t know how to break free. And the worst part is my problems are unsolvable. Everyday I go through life- I take my anti depressants, show up at work, pantomime being normal. No one can relate to me. No one knows my experiences. No one knows what it?s like to grow up without a community or an identity, where you?re just wrong all the time and an outcast a ll the time. I can?t look too closely at my life or I become suicidally depressed. For me, suicide makes sense - people say it?s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. All my problems have lasted my entire life and the pain only deepens as i get older and my coping mechanisms erode.

I can?t go see a mental health professional - they basically have no idea how to help me with my problems and some have even been honest enough to tell me so - which is great, if only they?d let me know before taking my money instead of after.

I was raised by immigrants who insisted on moving frequently. My family is a joke. No one speaks to anyone - I?ve never had much contact with my relatives. I have gone through new transition after painful new transition and I?m always stumbling through life in complete isolation. I don?t fit in with western culture or my parents culture. There?s no where on this planet where my existence makes sense. It wouldn?t be so bad if there were at least people to relate to or someone to ask questions of. There is no forum for people like me. There is no where to ask what I should do or where I should go to live and be less alone. There is no where I can ask how to feel more connected to my own identity, or where I should raise a family, or even how i will find someone to date. I imagine the dating pool for someone like me is so small it would be a waste to even bother.

If that weren?t bad enough I?m not normal for a woman. I a bigger than most women in every dimension. Imagine trying to come into womanhood where on the wrong day or with the wrong clothing people don?t even think you?re a woman. I don?t know anything about dating and I can?t stand to be around the opposite gender or be around couples where all the women are what society expects you to be.

I feel trapped in my life and in my body and I know that death is the only way out. I need to find a surefire solution to escape a world I was never meant to be a part of. Happiness is an impossible task for me given the way this world is setup. Im tiredo f making do or pantomiming for the sake of others. For once I want to do something that is truly for myself. Im so sick of seeing ?counselors?. Nobody gets it. Nobody fucking gets it. Nobody understands what its like to be an outcast and being an outsider was NEVER a choice. I don?t want to make do or pretend I?m OK with being a freak. I am sick of all the fucking rhetoric from people who?ve never endured my ?life? trying to tell me how belonging is no big deal or how great it is to be different. Let?s see you fucking people walk the walk when it?s no longer some hipster fucking choice. I want my life to end.