I feel like I can't go on anymore

My life isn't what I expected. I planned to get my masters degree in two years and then have a baby, get my PhD and all that. I thought I found my soulmate but I don't know anymore. I'm in a bad place, where I can't enjoy anything. For my birthday a few days ago I cried even tho I went to my favorite place and I looked how I wanted to and I thought I was fine until it hit me that I'm 21 and didn't end it and then I felt useless, like I don't do anything with my life and I'm going nowhere. I'm sick of feeling tired and I feel stupid and like I suck for being ungrateful and not being able to enjoy my life. It hurts so bad it just numbness my heart even more. I'm reaching out because I need to breathe again. And write again. And be myself already!

I have been fighting depression for 8 years, feels like nothing really works anymore. (I am NOT thinking about stuff, I just feel like giving up)