How did I miss this pattern?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing all the wrong things. Sometimes it feels like the more I talk about myself and how I'm feeling, the worse I get. But I can't imagine it's better to keep it all inside. Is it?
I think it's scaring me so much right now at this very point in my life because... I think I figured something out. Something that seems so obvious. I must have been blind to never realize it before.
I've always sort of believed that my depression and anxiety were situational. Something was going on that made me depressed and anxious and I either did or didn't try to get help and it got better just enough for me to think it was only because of that current problem.
Like... as a teenager, I was lonely and felt like I would always be alone. When I finally had a boyfriend, I was "better." But eve while I was still with him, I became more and more insecure and less "okay." So what I thought was the issue (loneliness) and what I thought was the cure (having a boyfriend) were totally wrong. The issue was never gone.
It's been over 20 years since I was a teenager and this pattern has repeated throughout my entire life... I think I know what the problem is that's causing my feelings; when I resolve whatever that problem is, I think I'm better. Yet it keeps happening again and again. So I've never really gotten better, have I?
@oatmealcookie
I'm sorry to hear how things are right now! Loneliness and social health is really important sometimes in helping combat depression and it's definitely linked :(
I think it's easy to feel like any sort of backslide means we never got any better and it's so totally not true. One of the things that addiction support groups teach is that relapsing happens and the important thing is to keep going.
It's not over yet hun! You've got this and you can definitely take baby steps into getting better. Week by week and year by year <3
@oatmealcookie
I wonder those same things about myself! Talking has never made me feel better - it often actually makes me feel more self conscious and sometimes a little worse. And I have spent the last few months looking for a pattern (hormones? situations? seasons?) and am beginning to wonder if its just a part of who I am? Thank you for posting - I feel connected to your words.
@coach79 and @AdVictoriam -
It is so nice to know others out there understand where I'm coming from. Thank you for that because sometimes when I'm at the lowest of lows, I feel certain no one understands at all. Logically, I know that's not true, but when I'm that low, logic has pretty much left the building.
I presented my little theory above to my MH nurse today. Like @AdVictoriam said, it's not true that I never get better, not really. I'm going to paraphrase -- I don't remember her exact words, but here's the gist of it...... I do get better. That doesn't mean that my chemical imbalance and tendency toward depression are gone forever, though. So the way things affect me tends to be more severe than it would someone who is not predisposed to depression. It doesn't mean I never get better. It just means that stuff happens and the way I react and deal with it (or can't deal with it) is different.
I think of it kind of like this... My daughter gets a mosquito bite and she itches for a little bit and it doesn't bother her again. My son gets a mosquito bite and he gets red and swollen around the area and it bothers him for a bit longer. It's not that my son never gets better, it's just that his body reacts differently to bug bites than my daughter's.
I do still think it is part of who I am. But there are definitely things that aggravate it. @coach79 - you mentioned seasons. That does play a role for me. Start of spring = better; start of fall = not so great; dead of winter = not so great either; summer = pretty good (but it was in the 90s today and that's a bit gross).
Actually, I think all of the things you mentioned play a role -- seasons, hormones, situations. But the way those things impact me is because of "who i am" (someone who has depression). But I can't choose to stop that any more than my son can choose to not swell up from a bug bite. I guess we just muddle through it as well as we can and try to think ahead to a time when it'll be better.
For the past week, I have felt like that "time when it'll be better" was never going to come. Today, after seeing my nurse and getting her feedback (and an additional medication that may or may not help - we'll see), I feel a little better. But I still think, in general, talking about specifically what's bothering me does tend to make me feel worse instead of better. I think it makes me wallow in it. And hopefully I will remember that the next time I fall.
