Fear of feeling better
Hi, I need some advice.
I've been struggling with depression for years, but it was "ok", I mean, I was used to it and I knew how to deal with it.
Then something strange happened, I was happy for a while. Not just regular happy, I was really happy, it was the happiest time of my life. It lasted 6 months, it was awesome and I almost forgot about depression. Then things changed, suddenly. Everything went bad for a lot of reasons and depression came back.
I couldn't deal with it like I did before, because it was so sudden and I got used to happiness, so it hit me really hard this time. After 8 months I'm starting to feel a little better, but I'm afraid. At first I thought I didn't even deserve to be happy. Now I think I do, but I'm too scared, because I know that the better I am, the worse I feel when everything changes.
I feel that I should just be sad like I always am, so if anything bad happens it's not a big deal. I'm ruining every opportunity to feel happy, I'd rather be sad all the time than feeling desperate like I did when my happiness was taken away.
So I'm stuck, I don't know what to do, did anything like this ever happen to you?
(sorry for my bad english, it's difficult for me to express feeling in another language, I hope you understand :D)
@BlackWater
Hey,
First off those conflicting feelings are completely normal. When someone has had depression for so long, it can become difficult to remember what it felt like to be happy and "normal". It's as if your body becomes habituated to the numbness and the depression, that it becomes your new normal. And no matter how bad our normal may feel, its safe and comfortable to us. So it's understandable how you are afraid to not be sad. But I want to urge you to remember how good it felt to be happy. Hang on to those memories, because if you keep trying to get better, joy can become your new normal. I won't lie, the change will feel scary, weird and new, but in time it'll be a skill that you master.
I can empathasize with you becuase for the longest time I dealt with chronic depression. I didn't really know how bad it got until a new antidepressant temporarily brought me out of the fog. A newfound joy lasted about 2 months, but I felt esctatic when it happened becuase I completely forgot that you could feel this good again. It was like 50 pounds of weight was lifted off my back. Instead of running back into my regular negative thinking patterns, I embraced the good feelings while they lasted. Even now joy, feels strange as if I don't deserve them. But I want you to know that you, and I, and everyone else on this Earth deserves happiness.
Try not to fall into the tricks that depression has for you, and remember that you deserve better. We weren't meant to live in the numb black fog forever.
-HattieMae
@HattieMae
Thank you HattieMae. You're right, numbness is comfortable and safe. I really want to try to be happy again, but I don't want to get hurt again. It's too much to bear right now. Maybe I'm ready to be happy, but I'm definitely not ready to be hurt, to fail again. It's easier to fail right now, because I don't have many expectations. It's like nothing can really hurt me that much. But if I start feeling good about myself, I'll have expectations, I'm going to think "see? you can be happy!". And what if I get hurt again? What if I fail again? It's going to break me.
@BlackWater I must say a very genuine post water. What you explained is something we all go through at some point in our life. But what i have observed is , that this happens usually when we are phasing into a part of our life where we know our worth or better we are realizing our worth. This transition occurs from the very low self-esteem days to the feeling good days. What you can take away from this is that it is a phase, and this too shall pass, and you must stay strong and face your fears, because at the end of the day self-worth is priority number 1!! Hope you feel better , stay strong :)
@sunsetLion15
Thank you Lion, I really needed someone to tell me this. I try to say "it's just a phase, you're healing" to myself all the time, but I don't believe that much in myself, so it's best if it comes from other people :)
I guess it will take some time, but I'm going to try to face my fears.
