Fear of feeling better
Hi, I need some advice.
I've been struggling with depression for years, but it was "ok", I mean, I was used to it and I knew how to deal with it.
Then something strange happened, I was happy for a while. Not just regular happy, I was really happy, it was the happiest time of my life. It lasted 6 months, it was awesome and I almost forgot about depression. Then things changed, suddenly. Everything went bad for a lot of reasons and depression came back.
I couldn't deal with it like I did before, because it was so sudden and I got used to happiness, so it hit me really hard this time. After 8 months I'm starting to feel a little better, but I'm afraid. At first I thought I didn't even deserve to be happy. Now I think I do, but I'm too scared, because I know that the better I am, the worse I feel when everything changes.
I feel that I should just be sad like I always am, so if anything bad happens it's not a big deal. I'm ruining every opportunity to feel happy, I'd rather be sad all the time than feeling desperate like I did when my happiness was taken away.
So I'm stuck, I don't know what to do, did anything like this ever happen to you?
(sorry for my bad english, it's difficult for me to express feeling in another language, I hope you understand :D)