Disapointment, confusion then hope and inspiration.

( I don't know if I'm allowed to write here since I'm a listener: :(.. )

I find it ironic how much pain I've been in today. It's been a pretty bad day. Worried about ratings, unsure if I'm being a good listener, thinking about the worst possible outcomes of things. Just feeling paniced, hurt, down sad and out. Not fun.

and so then I was thinking of changing my profile picture and updating my profile since it seemed like it needed a brush-up, when it hit me.

It's in these down times that I find myself reevaluating things, thinking things over, rethinking my goals and rethinking why I'm even here. and when I did that, I slowly worked my way up from feeling terrible, to actually feeling inspired.

I feel like I had forgotten so much of what made me, me. My spirituality, how I wanna be a light in the world. How much I want to strive to do big things and live with purpose. It seems before I knew it, I had lost my inspired spark and passion here, and got run down and confused.

It's not an easy thing to be a listener, it's a huge reponsibilityand a large amount of work. and since I'm new, everythings confusing, I feel a lot is going wrong for me. I feel like a down and out victim and not a surviver. I feel like I don't matter and that people can push me around, much like I have always thought, all my life.

but it's these low times, times I'm really not feeling good that makes me wonder, "hey wait, I am worth it" I am worth people's time. I am good enough. I start to see that the things I was worrying about just didn't make as much sense when I valued myself.

My worst fear is being banned for a stupid reason, or people conspiring against me or something. Not the most realistic fears, but they plauge me. Because I care about being here. I work hard here! I give of my time, my effort, my emotional energy. I give everything I have. So I am very invested.

But I suppose what it all comes down to, is seeing my negative emotions of pitfalls as a reevaluation time and a time to grow. Because in the end, everything is going to be ok, and I don't want to live with a bolder crushing me all the time, it really hurts.

I wanna set up to the point where when I feel bad, i'm not totally crushed and lost. I wanna get a handle on my depression and other disorders. I want a better life for myself, and I wont give up.