Constantly feeling like a fake. (19.)
In my teen years, I've done things that I've really, really come to regret. I'm trying to turn around now; I have been seriously attempting to do so for the last 4/5ths of a year now, I'd say. I've been fighting against bad habits and although there have been some relapses, I feel like I am growing - like I am beginning to change.
I have friends, though, from that time; one of which is my partner. None of them know of these things, that I indulged in for years - participating in NSFW spaces when I was far too young to, struggling massively with my identity because of it (i am now more comfortable identifying as an asexual.. but being in these places at a young age, from 15-17 at the height of it, I feel has traumatized me to some extent), and - at my worst - catfishing someone. This was only for a day, but that's not an excuse. It was still horrible.
I'm trying to change... but I am scared. What if these friends find out about what I did? I know I"m trying to change, but what if they find out and see 'the real me'? Am I a fake for trying to even change? Do I need to tell them about these things?
Somedays I feel really hopeless.
I'm not sure what to do.
@frankOrange5479
Thank you for sharing. I am glad you are here.
I think you do not need to feel obligated to tell everyone what you have done in your past. Can you imagine people meeting each other and needing to tell every questionable thing that have done? Remember "who you really are" is not everything that you have done in your life, but what you do now, the choices you make today. You are not the same person.
If one of your earlier experiences is particularly relevant to a particular situation, then you might feel it appropriate to share. And, if you find someone that you trust ,and you want to confess because you want to talk to someone, that is entirely up to you. If you want to try confessing to someone anonymously, a listener might be a great choice - so that you can have that release with no consequence in your life.
You are aware and thoughtful and working to be better. Today that matters far more than anything you did before. The more you thoughtfully work to be better, the better you will be. Best wishes.