Constantly feeling like a fake. (19.)
In my teen years, I've done things that I've really, really come to regret. I'm trying to turn around now; I have been seriously attempting to do so for the last 4/5ths of a year now, I'd say. I've been fighting against bad habits and although there have been some relapses, I feel like I am growing - like I am beginning to change.
I have friends, though, from that time; one of which is my partner. None of them know of these things, that I indulged in for years - participating in NSFW spaces when I was far too young to, struggling massively with my identity because of it (i am now more comfortable identifying as an asexual.. but being in these places at a young age, from 15-17 at the height of it, I feel has traumatized me to some extent), and - at my worst - catfishing someone. This was only for a day, but that's not an excuse. It was still horrible.
I'm trying to change... but I am scared. What if these friends find out about what I did? I know I"m trying to change, but what if they find out and see 'the real me'? Am I a fake for trying to even change? Do I need to tell them about these things?
Somedays I feel really hopeless.
I'm not sure what to do.
@frankOrange5479
you're not fake. we all have- at least i have- done things i have done things i'm not prod of. things that are very out of character for me, and that i wouldn't want anybody to know. and the thing is, i don't have to tell anyone if i don't want to, so i don't talk about those things. but, i am at peace with myself. why? because there's no point in worrying about my friends or other people finding out about those things. if it has to happen, it will. but if i stress over it now, then i will basically put myself through that horrible experience twice. i know it mighnt not seem like something that's easy to do, because it isn't. it took me a few months to move on. and to get there, you need to forgive yourself and know that your past self does not and should not influence your present self. the healing takes time, so be patient with and kind to yourself, and allow yourself space to deal with those things. it's going to be okay.
sending love <3