Banished to Neverland

(originally meant this for a post in the Jordan Peterson subreddit https://www.reddit.com/r/JordanPeterson/)

Heres the million-dollar question: How do I build a meaningful life in a world that doesnt want me or anything I might be able to contribute?

Now heres the context.

Im a 25-year-old male living with my parents. Ive been struggling with depression for at least 4 years. I havent tried any psychiatric medication. I currently work in a factory. Ive always lived with my parents, even while I was in college. (I have a two-year degree in Liberal Studies) I dont have much of a social life and we dont have any neighbors so making friends is no simple matter. Even in college I didnt make any friends. Most of my friends are at least twice my age and I rarely see them. I often feel lonely and I want to make more friends, but Im afraid to because they might find out about my criminal record. I feel like I cannot have anything resembling a normal life no matter how hard I try.

I keep thinking that I cant have a family, I cant have a career, and I cant have a strong social life and no woman will ever love me. It seems that I can never thrive or become a respected member of society. Ive read Petersons book of 12 rules and Ive been watching other self-help gurus on youtube, but I keep thinking that their advice wont really work for me because of my criminal record. My crime was possession of child porn and because of that, Im on the sex offender registry.

I was arrested in 2016. I have no excuse for my crime. I take responsibility for my actions. I never touched a child. I was in sex offender therapy for about a year. Its a group therapy led by a specialized therapist, and it mainly focuses on teaching you how prevent yourself from committing another crime. You have to understand the patterns of thoughts and behaviors that led up to the crime and the cognitive distortions and thinking errors that enabled those cycles. I tried regular therapy, to deal with the depression, but didnt really go anywhere. (Long after leaving the ordinary therapist I learned that he had been developing dementia during my treatment so that probably didnt help.) I know that what I did was wrong and I havent wanted to go anywhere near that sort of stuff in years. Now that Ive gotten better it just feels pointless.

It seems that no matter how much I change I will always be seen as a monster by other people. Most people assume that someone like me could never possibly change and that I have no business trying to live a normal life. I feel like Im not allowed to do anything meaningful with my life. I often try to think of meaningful things I could do with my time, but then I think of all the ways that it could end in disaster not only for me but also for the people I care about.

Ive thought about doing volunteer work at a local soup kitchen, but I worry that the reputation of the place could be ruined. The address of the business would have to be on the sex offender registry, and if anyone notices, then it would result in public outrage and possibly the business would have to close. The soup kitchen is strongly associated with the church I attend, so their reputation could be destroyed as well.

My dream is to become an author, but I know that cancel culture would destroy my career even before it begins (these days its not really possible to hide behind a pen name) Even if somehow my work got published, once my real name leaks, there will be protestors at my front door.

My mind goes through all the ways that my attempts at a meaningful life could end in catastrophe, so I decide that Its just not worth it. So I stay where I am. I work in a factory making plastic potato bags for 12 hours a day. It is so boring that I can feel my soul leaking out of me every day that Im there. While I stare at the machine these daydreams of doomsday run through my mind a million times over. My work schedule is weird: it works out to seven days every two weeks. On the days I work I wake at 3:30am, and on my off days, I awake at 9am, so my sleep schedule isnt very good. I hate my job, but It seems to me that this is the best I can hope for with my criminal record. When I was in sex offender therapy the group suggested I do road flagging (Holding a stop sign at construction sites). Ive done that job and I hated that too.

Ive done the Understand Myself personality test through Dr. Jordan Petersons website. Here are my results: (I suspect it may be skewed by my own bias. )

-Agreeableness: High: 80th percentile

-Compassion: Average: 55th percentile

-Politeness: Very High: 92nd percentile

-Conscientiousness: Low: 15th percentile

-Industriousness: exceptionally low: 2nd

-Orderliness: Moderately high: 60th

-Neuroticism: Moderately high: 74th

-Withdrawal: exceptionally high: 87th

-Volatility: moderately low: 29th

-Openness to experience: high: 87th

-Intelect: high: 86th

-openness: high: 80th

I still wonder how someone with such low conscientiousness would be willing to work 12 hours a day in a boring job. I guess its because I think that I cant find anything better. Any job that would fit my personality I cant have because of my criminal record. Ive thought about working in a library or doing some kind of academic research, but libraries and universities dont hire sex offenders. My Family insists that my criminal record wont have any significant impact on the rest of my life and that no one will care about it. I find this hard to believe given that Ive been rejected for a job picking potatoes specifically because of my crime. The farmer was ready to have me on the field that day but I chose to explain my crime, and the farmer said that he didnt want to take any risks with me. That hurt. I thought to myself: if I cant even find work picking potatoes, then what good am I?

On my days off I spend most of my time playing video games or watching youtube. I do a bit of writing, but I find it hard to be motivated when I think that everything I do is pointless. Ive never been on a date before. I never found anyone in high school or college. There have been women that I was attracted to, but the feeling was never mutual. Im afraid to move into my own apartment because the neighbors might hate me. I feel as if I am essentially forced into Peter Pan Syndrome. Im not allowed to have any real responsibilities or do anything meaningful. It seems to me that no matter how skilled I may become in anything I will always be perceived as low status, so whats the point of developing competence if it wont raise my status? So, if Im banished to Neverland for my crimes, why not just become the king of Neverland and become that best at an online video game?

I often do research on the sex offender registry and what becomes of the people who are put on it. It always sends me into a spiral of depression and despair. I look for hope and all I find are stories of outrage and hatred and suffering. When I watch videos about self-help I become cynical. I think to myself: they would never say that to a sex offender. For example, the youtube therapist Kati Morton insists that no one should be ashamed of their mental illness, but Im willing to bet that she would never say that to someone like me. No one even wants to think of sex offenses in terms of mental illness because that would generate too much sympathy.

I know what people will think when they read this essay: Stop whining and just accept the consequences of your crimes. You dont deserve to have a meaningful life. People like you never really change. If the consequence of my crime is a meaningless life, should I just accept that? Am I the only person who doesnt have a responsibility to contribute to the world? Accepting my existential crisis as my state of being sounds pathetic to me, but the alternative sounds like suicide; beating my head against a wall that the rest of the world built for me.

I often feel two mentalities wrestling within me. One says that I am worthless and should just accept that I will never amount to anything. The other demands to shout its truth to the world. Three truths in particular rattle around in my head when Im not in a fit of despair: I am a human being and I deserve to be treated as such. I have something to contribute to society, and it is my moral responsibility to bring it into reality. And lastly, I am not defined by my worst decisions.

Im aware that most people will find it disgusting and reprehensible to hear a sex offender say these things, but as Doctor Jordan Peterson says speak the truth and accept the consequences. These statements simmer in my soul, and when I try to cover them, they boil over with a vengeance.

I sometimes feel the seeds of resentment and bitterness growing inside me. When I try to come up with stories to write, I often think of stories of martyrdom and revolution. Sometimes I think that I should act out these stories because it would at least be meaningful for a brief time. I think, If I cant have meaningful life, maybe I could have meaningful death But Ive heard Dr. Peterson talk enough about such things to know that it would only end in more suffering for the world. Sometimes I wonder if I should embrace the role of the villain. It could be meaningful because I would create meaning in other peoples lives by being an antagonist for their heroic story. When I read the play Cyrano de Bergerac I saw the main character as a warning of what I could become if I let resentment and bitterness overtake me.

While I was on probation I read a lot of books because it was one of the few pastimes I could do. The books I found the most relatable were tragedies: Cyrano de Bergerac, The Scarlet Letter, Frankenstein, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Uncle Toms Cabin. Maybe its arrogant of me to think that I can relate to tragic heroes.

So, back to the million-dollar question: how do I build a meaningful life in a world that doesnt want me or anything I might be able to contribute? Im pretty sure that Dr. Peterson would say that I need to distribute the problem: ask others to help, or even ask my ancestors so to speak. My family and friends insist that this problem doesnt exist and that everything will turn out fine. They say things like this too shall pass and when one door closes another opens. I hate these expressions. I feel like they belittle my problems. When I ask religious people they say that all Christians are out of place in this world, so my problem isnt all that special. They all this that while they have careers and families and a good reputation. According to the bible everyone has the responsibility to contribute their gifts to improving things. Growing up in the church I was constantly told that God has a role for me, but I find it hard to believe that God will do anything meaningful with a sex offender. He doesnt seem to use any others. When Ive tried classic books about outcasts and pariahs, but it seems that all the characters can do is just tough it out and find whatever meager existence they can (The Scarlet Letter, Uncle Toms Cabin.)

Ive thought a lot about the nature of redemption. What does it look like? Or in a practical sense, how do you know when youve got it? The best answer I can come up with is it is when people ask you to participate. It seems that redemption means that you are welcomed back into a group and membership of a group is predicated on contribution and participation. This is why celebrities arent allowed to create art after a scandal. Actors arent allowed to have a role in a movie after a scandal because that would mean they are welcomed back into polite society. It seems to me that I am permanently scandalized and can never be welcomed into society no matter what skills I might develop.

How does a sex offender find redemption? As far as I can tell, they dont. When I was in sex offender therapy there werent any stories of hope or redemption. The mentality of the group was that the best you can hope for is to not go back to jail.

So, Does Jordan Petersons philosophy of self-improvement apply to a filthy sex offender like me, or do I deserve to just rot in existential hell?