A terrible day. I feel like I'm going to break. NEED HELP.
So I have been really struggling these past 2 weeks with depression (for more info, check out my first forum thread here: http://www.7cups.com/forum/DepressionSupportCommunity_52/Depression_30/Ijustdontwhattodoanymore_28111/).
Anyways, today I went to school for the first time in a whole week. Recently, I'd been avoiding school due to the assignments I'm currently drowning in (It feels almost impossible just to get started on one. I have no problems with the work given so I blame my depression for it). I missed an exam yesterday and my teacher wanted an acceptable excuse for my absence. I simply told her that I was going through some "personal stuff at home" and she got really concerned. Turns out she's very worried about me; and she's not the only one. She told me she's talked to two other teachers (my English teacher and the Yr 12 head coordinator) and they are all worried about me and want to know what's going on. I began to feel cornered, as if I was being interrogated, and my teacher looked even more concerned because she could obviously tell I was getting more and more upset (honestly, I was fighting back tears!). She told me that she wanted me to talk to one of the school guidance counsellors, then went on about how worried she and the other teachers are, how my last year's almost finished, etc. I felt pressured and told her that if she really felt it necessary, I'd go see one of them (didn't know what else to say but I had to say something). Straight away, she said she was going to book an appointment for me and that they'll chase me up about it tomorrow at school. I'm freaking out! They want to know what's going on, I'm a terrible liar, and I'm so weak that I start tearing up at just the thought of telling someone about my depression. On the bus home I felt a few people staring at me (at that point I was tearing up). I tried my hardest to hold it off until I got home but the first tear literally dropped 10-20secs before the bus dropped me off at my stop. At home (where I was alone thank god) I cried and screamed. I cleaned myself up as best and as quickly as I could. However, when my younger sister got home (only 5mins later than me), she could tell I had been crying and kept asking what was wrong. I stayed strong - told her I wasn't crying and tried to seem happy - but she wasn't persuaded. I'm so scared. Everyone's breaking down my walls and I don't know what to do. If they find out, no doubt, I will feel victimised by my teachers. What am I supposed to do tomorrow?
Again, sorry for the length of this post.
One of the hardest things to do is to talk about something person and scary. I know you probably don't want to tell anyone that you're depressed. Not now, not ever. I certainly understand that feeling. I think that your best option may be to tell the truth - there's a possibility that your counsellor might be able to help, and they will likely be able to keep in confidence anything that you tell them.
Things will get better, I promise. Stay here with us.
Thank you for the supportive advice. I went for a walk today, cleared my head, and tried to think clearly about my options. Naturally, I'm still petrified. But I think that if I do talk to someone (esp. Someone at school), it should help me with a lot of things. I'll try my best, and try to stay strong a.k.a not cry 👍
I'm proud of your strength. Best of luck for today.