Alone
I've depression and bulimia, but I think the depression is worse.. it pushes me into the arms of the bulimia.. the bulimia is a way of hiding from this darkness that lurks inside of me. But because of the bulimia no mental health service will touch me, I have to wait for eating disorder unit. Waiting months.
I tried to go back to work yesterday after a week off, but I broke down and got sent home. But I couldn't go home, I'm 37 I live with my parents, failure to launch I think I read somewhere. My parents, my mother in particular is difficult. When I first got signed off I didn' tell them cause I was scared to tell them, I just drove around all day for 8 hours. I then told them and dad felt sad I hadn't been able to tell them and my mum shouted that I had no reason to be depressed, can't I see how much stress they are under. it's never been mentioned again, and again I drive around pretending.
And I'm so sad, so frightened. Part of what frightens me is how empty my life is... My life revolves around my family, I have very few friends... and yet my parents are so hard.. everything is about them.. My mother in particular... they are trying to move and get a council property after my dad was made redundant and all I hear is how my income is pushing them over the threshold, they can't get a house because of me. I once replied "fine kick me out" and my mum replied but then we won't get a 3 bedroom. And I feel so guilty cause when I'm sad my mum starts shouting at me saying how much stress she is under and she can't deal with anymore. So I hide it. I deal with it myself. When I broke down at work I was advised that maybe my house was making things worse and I should go to council for myself. But I do that then it will affect my parents, if I do that then I'll be totally on my own. II'm so scared.. I just want to cry, i want someone to hold me and just get it all out.. but I can't because there is no one..
And there are days where I just want to self destruct... I want to scream.. I want to cry.. I want to run away... and at worst I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep.
I can go to the doctor and he will increase my medication, I ring the Samaritans they refer me to the doctor and to an ed support line.. and all the ed support line says this is normal, just hang in there.
And each day I feel like Im fading away, slowly all that I am is being destroyed by these 2 illnesses corrupting my thinking, driving me deeper into the darkness. And no one will help, but I don' know realistically what anyone really could do... it has to come from me.. but I'm so scared of the darkness... of confronting it... I'd settle for a hug right now and the fact that's not available makes me feel more sad and more hopeless..
I'm just tired and sad that this world is as it is.. and I don't fit into it.
I'm sorry for ranting.. I just need someone to hear me and understand.
Hoping the best for you. Hugs (((((((())))))))) this is a big tight bear hug for you. As long as it's wanted. 🌞🍀🌼🌸🌹🌻😊
@MaggieMay
Do whatever I'm going to say you
1) Please live far from home; far from. mom dad, Choose suitable place for yourself..if you don't feel like to go, Still go And leave your home,
FEW DAYS AGO i tried to go to live somewhere Far from home, i decided to choose place But i didn't find any flat for me and come back to home after wasting my money , time.. Reason :- i felt very anxious, nervous because i was alone, because i never had alone in life situation to tackle them, imagine me in future after 5 years; Much worse than now..MaggieMay don't know NoodleJune, Do you want me to see silly, anxious, hesitated in future? ; Surely NO, Do i want the same for you?; Definitely NOT, Remember this slogan : "The more uncomfortable we feel from things, More do them again and again; Makes us a better person"
2) Make yourself wise ; WISDOM is everything, There is no difference in 20 yr old or 30 or 50 or 80, If all having same wisdom ,They all are same, How to become wise? Seek knowledge; i know it's tough in 37, you want someone shoulder to say things But with whomsoever you want shoulder?; it's your choice, You can't share yourself with roadside stalker, We need understanding of people to get them To talk things; To share things, Until you decide your choice, You will be weak for life Which i don't want, So keep learning ,seek knowledge, no I'm not talking about bullshit books, YouTube is good , Wisdom is important Will help you to get your desired shoulder , Who will be yours (learn psychology, body language, it will take a month, Will help you in ghost dimensions also)
3) Do exercise everyday till you get abs, yup ABS are necessary, exercise secretes several chemicals Whivh make us feel good ; if you be successful in getting abs, it means you hardworked alot; Which will show on your face, body; You knows How people judge us, Doesn't matter if we are cat or dog Should get abs...Eat good, eating pizza in lunch time alone vs eating tomatoes in alone vs eating pizza with friends vs eating pizza with colleagues Is Different thing. .Choose wisely..Drink water, what kind of water? , How much water? When to drink water? How should drink? Should learn ...it affects life,, i know i know Sounds bit crazy But habits are habits I can't do anything...habits make someone leader Someone worker, Nope water ettitquetes can't make leader, Was my way to say,
DO 1ST first then 2nd