A body struggling to survive with a mind desiring to die. Part 2.

You are just sad.

It isnt real

You just have a lazy day. We all do. Stop exaggerating.

You are victimizing yourself.

Excuses.

There is no measure to the striking pain you feel once these poisonous words make their way into your mind. Words coming from those you opened up to, or at least tried. Close ones.

Of course, they are those you hold dear: friends, family, loved ones, maybe even those buddies you go drinking with.

Regardless, they are people you tried opening up to about how you feel, about this shadow crawling up on your back, pressing its weight against your heart while it whispers darkness in your ear.

You tried, but no one understood.

All you received was more weight and more uncertainty. No, there is no measurement to the mix of feelings that hit you once they say that. The betrayal, the sweet pain, so strong its almost ecstatic for that half a second your mind actually recognizes the meaning of their words and their lack of support. The heavy weight of rejection. The loneliness of the misunderstanding. The grief of your loss in the fight to gain some back-up.

Of course, some of us, the rare ones, find that one person who will simply look at them, tears in their eyes and say only this: :I understand.

But those are rare individuals and few of us are blessed with meeting them in our most dire of situations. Ironically those who do understand are going or went through the same pain.

In the end, only veterans understand war. Only they can help the soldiers still fighting .

Because that is what Depression is. An inside war. Your identity is the battlefield, and your only goal is to hold your territory.

The greatest win the enemy ever gained is the moment it convinced you that you are not a one-man army. Because you are. Yes you can battle on your own this monster. It feeds off you. It depends on you. It can be eliminated.

But even the one-man army needs their support.

We need someone to replace and supply what we lack and lost in the battle from the very beginning: Our confidence, our self-esteem, our desire to succeed.

Without confidence we cannot think further than simply holding our remaining territory. We need someone to tell us we can regain the whole of our identity. That we are that strong.

Without self-esteem, we cannot focus on how valuable our identity truly is, and without this realization, fighting for it becomes an obligation more than a mission.

Without desire to succeed, we lack the instinctive impulse to take action before the opportunity disappears. It is the ignition point that pushes the pistons.

Without someone to remind us we are human….we lose our humanity.

Without our humanity we become being fit for survival and nothing more.

We stay alive, but we live no longer.

Through the battle with Depression, one will end in one of three places:

Back to the human they once were, stronger than before, maybe stronger than most of us.

Back to the earth they once came from, for they did not see the way to win the battle, but decided to end the fight with no conquest on either side.

Back to peace of mind, because that mind has lost and now hides under a new regime: To stay alive without living.

Winning against depression turns you into a human or into a hollow. The only ones who make the difference are those who support you.

Without them, winning is no victory.

Like winning the territory while losing the country.

You gain not your identity, only the acceptance of your modest existence.