Chronic depression since childhood

Don't know where to start really. I have suffered depression and anxiety literally for as long as I remember. I was always the kid crying at school for no logical reason ( inside I was just terrified by the sheer horror of being thrust seemingly alone into society far away from my comfort zone at home). I was never offered help, I was always just an annoyance.

I'm in my 40's now and have basically just allowed my fear, depression, low self esteem and anxiety to ruin my life. Feel basically worthless and stupid. Had children thinking it would help. I guess they keep me alive as I'm divorced now (see, I ruin everything!), and they rely on me to look after them.

I live in a foreign country and have no family here ( can't move out of the country because the father of the children has rights to see them), so zero support. My only sibling commit suicide some years ago. I envy him.

Have been on meds a few times but they make me gain weight which makes me feel more unhappy. I have a feeling I am probably aspergers or something but don't feel I'm worth the doctor's time to see if that is the case. Possibly a touch of bipolar also but another issue is that I don't want to be deemed an unfit mother so I have not been to a doctor with these concerns for that reason also.

I'm in the crappiest relationship ever....shouldn't really call it a relationship actually, that would imply love and support. There isn't any of either.

Yup, so in a few sentences that's me. Not sure why I came here. Moreso because I like to be helpful where I can. Hoping to relate to others who feel same. Maybe we can cheer each other up and cheer each other on...😊