how do you know you have depression? ( trigger warning )

Am i depressed? or is this just my social anxiety? or am i just overreacting? how do you know you’re depressed? what’s it like and thing you struggle with if you have depression? 

i have been feeling like this for months now maybe even a year. 

i have social anxiety and they’ve been getting worse for me, i get panic attacks and can’t bring myself to see or talk to anyone without feeling so anxious and emotional. 

i don’t feel like doing anything and just want the day to end or i want to go back to sleep all day even if im not tired. i just want to avoid everyone and avoid the day and responsibilities and everything and sleeping for me is that.

when im with people i’m constantly thinking do they like me. im boring. i’m not talking, just talk. it’s not that hard. why did you say that. if i do talk, oh they’re not listening. what i’m saying is boring. nobody likes you. just stop talking. nobody wants to hear what i say. i can’t even say the story right. l don’t know how to talk properly. that story didn’t even make sense. i’m rambling too much that they’re losing interest. i keep repeating myself. 

but at the same time obviously they like me even if a little cuz they’re my friends. they wouldn’t be my friends or hangout with me in the first place if they didn’t like me. 

i always have these thoughts about how no one cares about me. like especially when it comes to friends. like even if i’m not feeling okay i don’t like to say it out loud because it feels like no one’s gonna care. like i think to myself. they’re gonna be like okay? or i say it but they don’t comfort me or actually do anything about it.

my thoughts are very intruding. like i sometimes can’t hear anyone or even watching a show/youtube doesn’t distract me. when i see how people interact and can talk and connect and laugh i feel so lonely and upset because i feel like i can never have that and i crave that so badly. when i try to interact and talk it’s just not the same because i feel like they always have more fun with other people so i just feel more upset.

i dont like myself. the way i talk and act and even my looks. like i always say something to myself about it whenever im talking to people but at the same time i always try to ignore it and brush it off. 

it’s so hard to doing everyday tasks. like i get so overwhelmed and it literally makes me wanna cry. small things like showering, brushing my teeth, changing the bed sheets, getting out of bed, changing my clothes, cleaning my room. i just either procrastinate for hours or i just don’t do it. or just sit there next to do barely doing it. like im just there but i cant physically do it idk. even tho it’s so stupid and simple. like just do them it’s not that hard. 

 i feel numb. like i don’t feel happy or sad and numb like my mood is bad and down but im still numb. idk how to explain it.  like if i could actually and allow myself, my face would just be poker all the time and not give any reactions to people. but i can’t do that to others cuz i know they’re gonna feel bad about it and im gonna feel bad about it. 

 i also don’t feel like doing anything or talking to anyone. and when im alone im just left with my thoughts and i can’t stand being alone. i hate it and im just gonna feel so depressed. like i could literally be with someone all day and have fun and laugh but the moment they leave or it’s over i go to that mood. 

this would go on for two weeks on and off. like for two weeks i feel fine i could try to enjoy myself a little bit but when those two weeks are over i feel like everything is so bad im not happy, i don’t enjoy anything heck i dont even wanna do anything. every little thing could trigger me and i just feel like crying most of the time. either crying or just so numb. and i feel that im not okay. 

thats why i feel like im faking it or im just being overdramatic because i was just happy and smiling and having fun. but when i feel depressed i know im not faking it, like i genuinely dont feel good about anything. and there’s no way im okay, i dont feel okay and the way i feel like crying every second isnt normal either. like i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this. what’s this? idk. how much longer i can lie and tell myself it’s gonna be okay. like i always have to give my self some prep talk and encourage myself to get out of bed or be around people or do something. how much i can handle being around people, or how much i can keep myself together. 

thank you for reading all of this, i know it’s a lot but it means a lot to me that you heard me out🤍🤍 

any replies and advice and help and sharing your thoughts /experiences that you feel comfortable sharing are greatly appreciated🤍🤍🙏