Well, Today Was Just Great

I woke up today, pretty exhausted, but I was convinced it was going to be a better day than most. Boy, was I wrong. Anyways, I went to school, a pretty standard day, a bit more homework than I was used to but I was still in a (sort of) good mood. When I got home I started to try and work on my homework. My friends were online so I decided to talk to them, it was a pretty standard conversation, one found a harmonica that they didn't know that they had. Then I proceed to have a mental breakdown, I don't know why, nothing triggered me or anything like that. I said that "all I need to get through my life, and then I'll die. Then there will be nothing, cool, peaceful nothing." My friends were comforting me like they usually do when this happens. They bring up heaven. Well, I'm still not completely convinced that heaven exists and I also doubt a lot about everything when I have breakdowns and stuff. One of my friends (my BF) left to cool down, by then I was full on crying. I don't really like people seeing me cry, and I say a lot of stupid, impulsive stuff in these situations. I said, "I swear if anybody walks into my room I will [F word + ing] kill them, bash their head in the wall until there's nothing left of them". Aggressive I know, but I really hate people seeing me cry. Then, my other friends left. I gave everyone (including me) time to calm down, and I had this feeling that they were talking about how awful I was behind my back. I told them both that I was sorry and I say a lot of stupid stuff when I have mental breakdowns, I really felt awful. They left me on read and have been (looked offline I have a feeling that they aren't, they do it a lot) offline ever since (it has been about 2 hours now). Worst of all, they are the two people who can help me with my depression, they make me feel like I belong and that I matter. I really don't want to lose them, they are so important to me, nothing can replace what they have done for me. I am currently waiting for them to respond once they are ready. Thank you for listening/reading, I really needed to get that out somehow.