The bad dreams are back

I was doing pretty well for a while. but last night i had a dream that never seemed to end. it felt so real. And it might seem like im just a cry baby but one of my biggest fears filled my sleep. being abandoned by someone i want to spend my life with.

ive had off and on bad dreams for so long i can’t remember when they started. they’ll go away for a little while then they resurface when i think im doing okay again.

i’ve been snowed in at home for over a month, but ive caught myself using that as an excuse to just stay home in bed. to not have to talk to anyone or have the company. i’ve even had days where i put myself in a little box again away from my S/O.

So many things run through my head everyday and i’m tired of just surviving myself. and some part of the dreams feel like home. just like a lot of the pain does. as if my days aren’t filled with enough worry and sadness. my bad dreams are happening again. so now even when i’m asleep it doesn’t end. it’s like my own mind wants to destroy me.

and i know, i’ve been told a million times that im technically in control. that i choose how i feel. that in order to feel better i have to do the things i dont feel like doing. i know. and trust me, im aware its all my fault.

but something inside me still feels so lost and out of control. something inside of me suffocates everyday.

Sorry for the random rant. which is probably pointless. i hope all have a better day/night. you all deserve it ❤️