The Voices

Tw: Intrusive thoughts, sexual assault, tic disorder

I've had a voice in my head for years, but they've been getting bad lately. The first came in kindergarten, when I met my friends mom. Her name was Kim, and was really nice to me while I was over sometimes. My friend herself did not take after her, threatening to hurt herself really bad if I didnt do what she wanted but still kept me around. I knew her until 2nd grade when I moved schools. But starting a bit after I met her was when the thoughts started. It was just her at first, Kim's face. And her laugh oh her haunting laugh. Then it gained a storyline. Every time I would tic ( i have a tic disorder, but it only happens when I'm alone for some reason and its really distressing), I thought of her assimilating everyone I loved to look just like her, act just like her. And it was horrible. But I forgot sometimes, so then I was spared. Then, 5th grade came around. I was finally putting together what sex was, and the thought of her reentered my mind one day. And I thought it would go away, just like it used to. But it didnt. I remember the thought starting to veer farther and farther out of my control, how it started. I had a thought, I dont remember exactly, but of her doing something bad to me. And it wouldn't go away. And I couldn't forget. More and more kept happening. I wasn't attracted to women at the time, and I never felt an ounce of attraction towards her ever. Sometimes she repulsed me. This is where it starts to get graphic.

But the thoughts were of her, naked, cornering me. And I couldn't move. She would rub against me, hump. Just things about sex I had come to gather from context clues. It was horrific. But I never told anyone because it wasn't a big deal yet. Then 6th grade, more frequently it would happen, more distressing. Her image started showing up instead with a ***, but still nothing too bad. And then I made it to 7th grade, where all *** broke loose. It was then that I finally completely understood how sex worked. And how rape worked. So the thought came when I was at home, of her pinning me down of her doing things I can't describe how terrible. And so frequent came it that I couldn't bear. It was so loud. Then 8th grade. So much. Every moment I'm alone in my room or in a bathroom I tic, whispering the words she says through my mouth with disgusting, in depth sexual scenes of my own rape. And then she would move to the people I love, making me watch them when i would grow numb of it happening to myself. And I don't have time for therapy or the confidence to ask. And my school counselor will definitely tell my parents. I have no memory of ever being raped, but the thoughts are so clear and vivid. Her voice is in my head too, talking to me as she does it in a cartoony, disgusting way. Does anyone have any idea what this could be? Nobody has ever told me anything like it, and I need some form of an answer