Rack's forest

@Rackson I choose "Rack's forest" as the name for this place because I come from a area where forests are common and camping is expected. I find my head to be clearest when I am in the forest with no one around. I also find the forest helpful because it just "is". It's the purest form of God's work. The forest is quiet, the forest doesn't judge, the forest is wise, the forest will always be a safe place to say or think anything. And I love that. So I guess this post is about my experience with nature and its effect on me. God, I find myself constantly re writing things here to appease people. Even as we speak. I have to remember that the forest has seen it all and doesn't judge. Okay, the forest is the only place I have felt connected to God in my life. I can't remember a time at church where I was connected like I was while in the forest. My time with God was strange and short, it was first at middle school camp, then middle school camp again, and once at a boy scout camp (I think). And If I told my dad or someone else that, they would think I don't belive in God. But that is not the case, I have spent too much time trying to connect with God to give up believing now. So I might as well not stop. Back to the forest, my state that I'm in loves the outdoors. I wouldn't call my town "small", but you are most likely going to see someone you know every time you go out in public. Last time I checked we had something like 80,000 people. I am not sure if that number is accurate still, but I don't have the internet access to fact check. Anyway I, ***. I'm keep saying anyway. Well. Too bad. I think forests also help me understand things in my life. I can't think that well when other people are around and talking a lot. ***. I keep being reminded of times i messed up on something outdoors. God, I keep getting off track. Well, this is a good window into my brain at least. Well, forests help me understand things. The quiet of them help me realize what I'm actually thinking at the moment, or what I want. They are quiet, unlike the world. I think that forests help calm me down, which does help with thinking. I'm usually very high strung in life, when you first meet me in a public scenario your first thoughts will be "this dude is loud, crazy, tries to be funny, tall, annoying, and fidgety as ***" that is not who I am. When I am around other people, I can get over exited and become a different person. I want others to laugh, and I get scared that when they don't laugh, they will hate me. So I get desperate and act crazy. So when I go from that (like at the youth group trip) directly to the forest, I feel strange. Becuase there is no one to impress, the forest doesn't need me to keep talking about whatever comes out my head, the forest doesn't need to laugh, it just "is". Which is one more reason I have formed a deep connection with the forest, its more like a wise grandpa than a close friend. But I love it anyway.
Another thing about the forest is that it is alive. Just like you and me. It's alive in the sounds of the nearby river. It's alive in the chirping of birds. It's alive in the rustling of the leaves and branches in the wind. Its alive in all the little bugs and spiders that live. It's alive in every sense, maybe you can't directly have a conversation with it, but it can sure as *** listen to you. It feels different than just talking to a rock because it is alive. It feels like your thoughts are going somewhere meaningful.
The forest doesn't answer any question you ask it. It just asks the same question back. When I ask it "am I pansxual, or do I just not care for people at all?" It says "are you?" Which annoyes you in the moment, but actually helps you figure out the answer. It always asks the right questions, even if you don't want the answer. As much as you know the forest, it doesn't know you as well as you do.
Sometimes the forest doesn't always help. Sometimes it just sits there as you expect for it to work the same miracle that it did the last time you talked to it. I have been there for those times, and it *** sucks. You had this great experience last time, why won't it work again? And I can't tell you why it didn't work, the forest is older than all of us. And has a reason for everything. Maybe it just wasn't the right time, maybe it is all in my head, maybe the forest just needed you to not believe in it before It could come back, maybe you are expecting too much of it, maybe you are expecting an answer but what you really needed was to ask another question. I don't know, I don't try and understand the way the forest makes me feel, I just trust that it will find me when in need it.
I live in a area where forest fires are more common than sneezing. Don't worry, I'm not going full lorax mode on you. But something is sad about those trees burning. When the trees burn the smoke comes, and when the smoke comes I get reminded of camping when I was a young child. And I remember all those great times I had with the forest. And it makes me sad. But for some reason I love the smell of the smoke.
I love the forest, and even tho it betrays me when I need it most, it is always there and will always be there. I can't quite describe the connection I have with the forest but I tried my best. I hope you leaned a little but about my experience with the forest. The forest has been there when everyone in my life wasn't. It's there for you too.

@Rackson Ugh. I feel like a blank peice of paper. I feel no emotion where I should. Someone the other day on the tcc mentioned this and I talked to them about it. It made me realize how long it has been since I felt something. Now I don't feel things a lot of the times. My emotions are real, I'm really disgusted, or happy, or mad. But I don't feel any of it. Like I'm taking a step back from my emotions and watching them vanish into smoke before my eyes. This is not dissociation, this is something much worse. It has been about a year since I have felt things. I think all the sh!t that happened this year really numbed me. My grandma married my grandpa for his money and our family found out right before he died. My family decided to bring my grandma to court. And god how did that change my family. My mom got angry and stressed, you had to appease her about everything in life. My dad was supportive but exhausted at all times, he got even more quiet than before which is saying something for him. My sister was non existent in my life except for arguments and hurt feelings. And I was still struggling with doing my school work and doing basic things that I needed to do. Which just added more stress for my family, which made them worse. I *** hate myself. I am glad I didn't learn about self h@rm during this, I would not be here if I did. Also, this year I leaned that my uncle was and is an alcoholic his entire life, and so was his wife. I was told my uncle was about to die. My uncle has a little daughter who is the kindest person in the world. And it *** me off that he could do that to his kid. Along with that, my only friend at school left me for months. I was alone at lunch, during passing, and after school. And during this I had my phone taken away for not having all good grades in my classes, so I couldn't talk to Jacob. I was alone surrounded by people. I'm sure I could spew off lots more things about this year that numbed me but you get the idea and my phone is almost dead. Anyway, somewhere along there I stopped feeling things. I don't know when it was, but it was this year. Now I do crazy things to myself to feel things: I don't sleep for 48 hours, I don't drink water for a day, I don't eat for as long as I feel, I don't take a shower when I should, I don't brush my teeth as often, I don't do my acne cream, I make much more dark jokes. I do fcked up stuff to feel something.