Just feeling sad and depressed. Not really seeing any silver lining

Hey everyone.

The 8th of June 2023.........last Thursday. It's strange because two things happened on that day. Things that were planned so no surpise or anything unexpected but those two things did make me think a bit and make me still feel sad and bad. Maybe these two things seem far away and not really attached or connected to each other but just bare with me for a moment. The 8th of June was the day that :

- I had my first appointment with a new therapist.

- The 4th and last season of Never Have I Ever was realesed on Netflix

But why are these two things connected ? And why am I talking about a TV show ?

I have to rewind a bit. April 2020. That was the release date of the first season of Never Have I Ever. Now just to make a short summary of the plot. The TV show revolves around Devi Vishwakumar a 15-year-old Indian-American who lives and goes to high school in Sherman Oaks,Los Angeles. Devi's father Mohan dies which leaves Devi with psychological trauma. The show follows her during her years in high school where she tries to improve her social status and the show also follows her journey to hopefully at the end of her high school career being able to get into Princeton University. The four seasons are full of different problems that she has to get through like dealing with the loss of her father,having problems with her mother (Nalini) at home, problems and fights with her best friends (Fabiola and Eleanor), and having to deal with a love triangle between her and two boys (Ben and Paxton).......oh and all of her journey is narrated by former tennis star John McEnroe.....who was Mohan's favourite tennis player. The series is at times sad but also has its funny parts. It's basically a teenage comedy drama.

Now back in April 2020 when the first season dropped on Netflix I was in my last year of high school. I had my final exam coming up in June. At first I didn't watch the show. Then June comes around and the final exam is approaching. About 3 days before my final high school exam I stumble across this TV show and I really like it. I watch a few episodes but never the whole season. On the day before my final exam I was in......well kind of a bad situation. I didn't study much in the lead up to the exam and so I tried to revise on the last day before the exam (yeah I know not the smartest decision). Once night hits I just decide to call it for the day and what happens happens. I decide to watch some Netflix and I decide on watching Never Have I Ever and I still remember the episode I watched. It was one where Devi went to a "mock UN" event. And you see her preparing for the event and working hard for it and while I was watching it I just thought to myself "Man I should really have done better during my high school career but ok it is how it is. If I pass this exam then enough......if I go to university I will bust my butt and work as hard as Devi does" and well I finished watching the episode and yeah I spent the whole rest of the night chatting with people on Omegle. Well I passed the exam with a 66/100. After I finished my final exam I barely graduated I decide to finish watching the first season of the show. As the final episode ended I just just thought to myself "OK. Now it's time to roll and start a new chapter of my life".

But fast forward 3 years. 8th of June 2023 and nothing has happened. There was no new start and I'm just in the same if not worse situation as I was before. In the past few months I binged watched the second and third season of the show and I felt bad and sad........yesterday I decided to watch the 4th and final season of Never Have I Ever. The one where Devi graduates and leaves high school to purse her future life. I started watching the last season on my laptop. I started at 3 PM and I was kinda done at 7 PM. I say kinda because I wanted to save the last episode for last. I waited until all of my family went to sleep and then I went down to the living room, I took a chair and I sat in front of the TV playing the last episode of the show (yeah I know that it isn't really great for my eyes but it was the last episode so it had to be something special) I watched it and I just felt so sad and I even started to tear up a bit. There was a scene where Devi is in her bedroom and she starts to pack her suitcase and she starts to feel overwhelemed and I started to feel that too. And when the final credits rolled I just teared up even more........I know it sounds stupid but I just can't really believe the show is done. I know it's all just a show but to see how Devi improved from season 1 to season 4 and who she was able to work through all her pain and sadness it was just really nice to see. But at the same time I felt also really sad because while Devi was able to work through her trauma and pain and was able to get better and have a good future......my life is just a mess. Yes I know that it's all a TV show and it's suposed to be this happy ending so that people feel better. But the main character of the show wasn't perfect like so often other characters are in TV shows. She had flaws but also because of that often I felt like I could identify with Devi. She had a hard life, social problems and problems with family. She went to therapy and was able to get better and get her life together. By the way let me just say one thing about the therapist that Devi went to. Her name was Dr Ryan. Best. Character. Of. The. Show. And it's not even close. Again yes I know it's a show so of course Dr Ryan is written a certain way to capture the audience's heart but......There were certain moments in the show where the conversations between Dr Ryan and Devi like they hit hard. There is a particular scene where Devi asks Dr Ryan if she thinks that she (Devi) is crazy and Dr Ryan replies "Devi, you feel a lot, which means sometimes you're gonna hurt a lot, but, it also means that you're gonna live a life that is emotionally rich and really beautiful." Just amazing

But yeah Never Have I Ever ended, Devi was able to live her life. On the other side here in the non Netflix universe things haven't really been working out. in the years between 2020 and today.... I tried with therapy, I tried going to university, I tried getting better with my life but nothing really worked. I've been to university for 2 years but I haven't passed a single exam and at this point it's just a matter of time when I decide to drop out. I still live with my dysfunctional family and well I did go to a therapist for about 6 months but it didn't really help. Mostly I felt that when I wanted to talk about specific topics with my therapist then she would just deflect and move on with another topic. I don't know I just feel like nothing will ever get better. I'm nearly 23 years old now and my life is just completely goign down the gutter. You know it's already hard enough to have to deal with being born with a rare disability.....then if you also add having trauma from surgeries that I had to undergo, living with a dysfunctional family, having to get through my parents brutal divorce and legal battle, being held back at high school for a year, and after graduation not knowing what to do with my life.......well you are in for a great recipe for a really crap life.

I'm almost done with my rant. The second point which I wanted to speak about was the new therapist I was visiting. Because aside from the final season of the show I also had an appointment with a new therapist that day.

I know there won't be therapists like Dr Ryan and of course I know that therapists can't take over your life and tell you what decisions you have to take but rather they are a person who helps you understand and makes you try to figure out what is wrong and helps you out to figure out possible solutions which you yourself then have to pursue and enact. But I feel like if I had a good connection with one of the therapists then it could actually also work to help me out but so far I haven't really felt any connection.....be it with the previous therapist or be it with the current therapist. And yeah I know it might take some time to establish a bit of trust or a connection but I already feel like "no I don't feel it". When I was a kid in middle school I used to go to child psychologist....she was a kind of Dr Ryan like I really liked her and yeah I trusted her and I felt like she was helping me and I felt like she was helpful. But of course my mother "deleted the phone number" and also she probably wouldn't take me up because I'm not a child anymore. I just think my biggest fear is that I continue with this psychologist and it's just not working out and then again I've lost a couple of months with no real progress........

Sorry for this incoherrent rant but idk like I just want to live a life like everyone else does. I just hope that one day things will get better but so far they don't seem to get better.

Well thank you to everyone who read this whole post. Hope you all have a great rest of the day and take care.