I need to rant cause things are heavy right now. Just need some support.

this is probably going to be long, so if you read this buckle up. 

I am extremely stressed, my anxiety is at a high as im writing this and my depression is quite bad. The main reason is because my dad has been ignoring me for over a month now. My dad is really my step dad. my biological dad is a whole nother story, but lets just say bc of my biological dad ive got severe daddy issues. my step dad, i refer to him as dad because hes the one who raised me starting from age 6. i love him to death. hes an amazing person but hes been ignoring me and every time i walk into a room with him im on the verge of tears. i come home and ill say hi to him but he walks past me and acts like im not even alive. he wont make eye contact with me and only "speaks" to me to basically tell me that im an awful person.....

my home life sucks. im not abused, but emotionally im so alone starting from the moment i come home from school. my dad has a terminal illness that hes had for 12 years. they thought they fixed it but now the doctors have admitted they dont even know whats wrong with him anymore. i get that hes depressed about it but he shouldnt ignore me. ive always been treated differently and i think its cause out of all us 4 kids im his only non biological kid. theres times where we are close, but the last few months starting the day i turned 17 (in september) weve just grown distant. and now its like this. he refuses to forgive me for things i did when i was 12, DOING 12 YEAR OLD STUFF like the stuff i did was not that bad at all. but he holds all this against me, refusing to move on and freaking TRUST ME. i was a mourning kid. sad kids get into trouble and i dont think he realized that. im just so sick of being around him right now. i miss the way things used to be, i miss when we would joke, or when i was young and would do things just him and i. i dont know why hes doing this. maybe he never cared and has finally given up on pretending to care. idk. 

another thing stressing me out is my friend Kinz today, she came up to me with news. Kinz is friends with my ex chase. My ex broke up with me some months back, not because of us, but he prayed and felt prompted to. i know know why thankfully, but at the time i didnt. there were other factors, like school, our parents didnt want us to have serious relationships in high school, we woulda had to break up in a year anyway cause he would leave to go on an LDS mission....stuff like this. just facors are what led him to break up with me. i was heart broken for a while, but we weren't together all that long. i have a new boyfriend who i love SO FREAKING MUCH, but now that my new bf Mark and i are together, suddenly (chase shouldnt know about us..) but Kinz has been carrying messages for him. like she came to me FOR HIM to check up on me and make sure i was okay....months after we broke up....weird is it not? i literally see him all the time in the halls of school, like whats wrong with just asking me if im alright? after we broke up, for whatever reason he just cold turkey started ignoring me. it bothered me for a while, i guess it still does a little, but anyway, kinz came to me today basically saying he talks about me a lot, and he misses me, and hopes to get back together after high school and now is just time to be with the boys right. ngl this made me mad. i dont miss my romantic relationship with Chase. at all. i do however miss our friendship, and i think thats normal. idk why but this really bothered me today. on top of that i have a friend, Gage, who SO MANY PEOPLE ship me with. and kinz is Gages ex. shes pretty sure hes crushing on me, and that dosent help my stress with the situation. idk why this is causing me so much stress but it is. 

school is also really bothering me. im smart. not the smartest but smart enough to get by. i definitly have my dumb airhead moments, but whos dosent. the problem is, i cant find the motivation withen myself to do my best work. i do enough to get by- and its really affecting my GPA rn. my GPA isnt BAD, but its definitly not a head turner or average. its not good cause imma be a senior next year, and after that theres nothing i can do to change my overall GPA.  i just cant find the motivation to work harder. if i have missing assignments, i cant drive. im 17 and cant drive yet. i also lost my phone and if i dont get good grades im not gonna get it back. My bf mark is actually an online bf rn and if i cant drive when he comes to visit me on either my 18 birthday or my senior prom and/or graduation its gonna make it a little difficult lol. ive got a lost at risk right now and even then i cant find the power whiten myself to just PUSH myself. i hate it. i hate myself. 

the only things i really wanna do is sing, draw, talk to Mark, and hide away in my room. bc i dont have my phone rn my social live is limited outside of school. i have no extra curricular, kinda a job? but im a contractor so no set hours. i hide away in my room when i come home so i dont have to talk to people. in a way its my safe place, but at the same time is a cage that i keep returning to. other than mark and my youngest brother, i really have no purpose in my life right now. im absolutely useless. 

im also struggling with my religion. im LDS...ik i just put myself in a HUGE stereotype but a lot of the rumors about being "Mormon" is not true. thats one reason im debating my religion bc of the huge stereotype. there are a lot of blind commitments that ill have the choice to make when i turn 18....and i dont wanna have blind commitments. theres a lot of things being said by my leaders right now that i personally dont agree with, i dont love how many "rules" we have. idk. its stressing me out cause i believe in my religion....but things about it are bothering me.....i wanna explore a bit. i want to leave for a little while, not because i dont believe but i need a break yk? ik thats bad cause god never takes a break on me....but right now it feels like he has.

before mark came into my life i felt so alone. im extroverted, so i talk to a lot of people. takes me a moment to warm up but ill be anyone's besti. i have a select few close friends though, and out of all my close friends only 2 of them pulled through to help me. i felt so alone, then i met mark. hes made my life so much better, but he lives clear across the country. hes worth the wait, hes worth the long distance but it makes both of us sad that we cant just walk down to each others houses yk? i love him so much though and he makes my life that much better. its gonna be worth it. 

ive got a lot more but i wanna make this as short as possible- if you made it this far thanks for listening. id love feedback.