I have never told anyone these things

I have been increasingly growing isolated since covid and the death of my dad who was a doctor. I can't stop thinking I am going to lose my mom too who I live with and take care of now. I occasionally get intrusive thoughts of her getting hurt - and that's terrifies me.

After graduating medicine I feel horribly burnt out and now dread the prospect of practicing. I don't know if I can work in a hospital setting mentally compromised. I can't bring myself to focus on my upcoming licensing exam. It feels too late to change tracks in my life now after putting so much of my years and money into it.

Being surrounded in a homophobic environment in this ultraconservative place I live is also taking a toll. I am so I am tired of pretending. I've always pushed off people before they got close to me because I don't feel safe pursuing a relationship.

I also still haven't come into terms with a difficult relationship with my dad (who had NPD) growing up or the severe bullying campaign in my school life. I had to cut off a lot of people from my life to escape it. I guess I'm only close with my brother who lives abroad, and my mom now? I had a few good friends in the university but I've lost touch with them all. People I did keep touch with for a while have all moved on with their lives.

And now things have progressed to the point I can't really bring myself to go outside unless I absolutely have to. It's like I haven't moved on even after the covid restrictions have lifted.

I need therapy I think. But I don't think I could find a therapist here to trust enough to open up about lgbtq issues. My other option is starting anti-depressants.. but using them is scary change too. It's like.. I don't see a future where I could be happy.