I have great mental support from my parents yet when I get upset enough I get ending l thoughts and want S H. Why am I so messed up.

I know I have it so much better than so many people but why do I struggle so much with being ok one moment, getting upset, than having ending thoughts wanting S H. I feel so, conflicted, ashamed of myself. Yet it feels so much easier to go away sometimes. So I don’t have to deal with the moments that go most on here, would not be bad at all.

I wonder if it has to do with me off depression meds for a while now, major dislike of being touched (by doctors for well visit for example), fear of loud sounds, anxiety, having a depressed chroniclly I’ll parent that is intense anxiety at a moment notice, a clingy parent, always being at home having to deal with others anxiety and depression or ptsd. Is it a combination I wonder, becuase sometimes it feels like all of it at once. It’s hard sometimes. Thanks to all the people here on the internet I will never meet or know that are making me feel a little better.