I hate myself

I struggle a lot with depression and anxiety. I'm 18 years old and I'm already feeling like a failure and someone who isn't worthy of love or care.

When I tell people about my problems they always tell me to go out more and go have fun, come out the house more but the truth is, I can't. I have very strict parents, I can't go anywhere without them coming with me, and I have a rocky relationship with my parents.

Some days we're really good and others days we aren't. My parents get mad at me for the simplest of things. Today, my mom got *** off at me for not locking up the house on time (It takes less than a minute and we didn't leave till like 5 minutes later). But I felt really bad. I always try to take the blame for anything, even if logically it isn't my fault. Anytime my parents or anyone raises their voice at me I start to cry and panic, sometimes I shake. I replay all the things my parents called me when I was younger in those moments. They would give me names like, "selfish, horrible, I'm a terrible person" and many more.

I'm tired to permanently off myself. I've been struggling with that since I was 13 years old, I'm 18 years old now and I still struggle with it. I have a boyfriend and he knows about about my problems and tries to help me. I made a promise to him that I wouldn't off myself, but everyday it gets increasingly harder.

I became "that" because of my parents. They always wanted me to be this "perfect person" and anytime I didn't achieve that goal they would get mad at me. I won't go into details about how I tried to off myself but I attempted it 4 times already. I always find myself plotting my own death. My boyfriend tells me to talk to him anytime I get that close again but if I were to tell him when I plan that I would be talking to him eveyday.

We talk everyday and we talk about many things, I try my best never to bring those topics up with him because he's sensitive to it, and even when he tells me to, I still struggle to open up to him because of my past experiences.

When I told my parents I was "that" and I told them why (because of them), they told me that it's not their fault for me wanting to off myself and that I should be ashamed for trying to blame them for it.

I don't feel happy, every positive emotion feels temporary. I want full happiness, I want to be able to breathe. I don't want to live in a house where I have to keep gambling for my own happiness.

I always talk down on myself, I have trauma and I just want out. I can't help but feel like a failure. There is so much I want to say but I can't get the words out.

I plan to move to the US and start a life out there, because it's always been my dream. I'm making small steps to that journey but it feels so long and hard to achieve. Right now, I'm doing a course that will help me be able to get employed in the States.

I just want to be happy with myself, I just want to love myself.

(Sorry for any mistakes in spelling, I tend to miss words when I'm venting.)