Hopelessly Persevering (long post)

I apologize for the long post I have nothing better to do.

I got on this app cause I failed to open up to another therapist after seeing her for a year and a half. I've been programmed to feel so much shame about my issues due to toxic friendships and family relationships. I've been through a lot and lately I've been feeling drained but I'm also doing everything with my last bits of bursts of energy to improve things.

When I say I have been through a lot I mean when I was in 1dt grade I met my eldest brother from my mom's side begging at a street light near home. I didn't know it was him but my mom broke down and started sobbing when she saw him and then explained to me who he was. He was struggling with addiction and we tried helping him. He'd show up home high and cause drama. So he had my mother wound up right and ready to burst. Whenever I'd make a mistake as a child she'd soemtiems explode cause of the stress but those soemtimes were often enough I eventually learned how to take care of myself and be as quiet as possible in my home. As a consequence of this everyone I meet and have met last year calls me either a ghost or Casper affectionately.

During these struggles with my brother I had struggled in school with getting bullied by girls and boys. The girls would physically bully me i.e. wrecking my uniform and bag. The boys would torture me mentally until I'd snap at them and break their noses. I never got in trouble but peers started talking to me less and less. And also I suffered lots of betrayals of trust and eventually even at school, pretty soon I learnt to take care of myself and do my thing.

Fast forward a bit I graduate high school and I'm so lost and directionless. I was also very very nihilistic despite having gone to a Roman Catholic private school all my life. I hated God, for dealing me my hand, and I made it known.

I figured out if I could help my brother things might be better. I had a desire to become a psychedelic researcher from the psychiatric aspect. Do studies on ibogaine and get my brother enrolled in one so he could overcome his addiction. While attending uni my brother suddenly gets murdered in 2014. He was one of the only people who really understood me and I hung out with. Shortly after my house catches fire because the AC unit in the living room explodes and catches a ball of fire that pretty much toasted a whole brick and cement house.

I had to attend uni from a small hotel with 2 beds sharing the same room with my parents for months. I couldn't focus. Plus my brother's situation had me distraught. 2016 I meet the wrong crowd it starts with drinking and becomes other things. I tried all sorts of things and I would research the crap out of them to understand how and why it'd make me feel like it did. I was obsessed I went from being the geeky guy who fixed phones and computers and software to the psychology major student who everyone would come to for advice and tips for tripping and harder stuff. By the end of the year I had several addictions.

During the same year I seek mental health and substance abuse help and get serious about it. I got diagnosed with MDD, GAD and OUD and I change unis and cut out every single person that could tie me back to my old life in any way. Fast forward 4 years to August 2020 and BOOM after writing a song inspired by a book Nietzsche wrote I end up suffering a similar fate of psychosis. Mind you I was at my healthiest exercising regularly and disciplined, working on my own band and expanding my home studio, as well as working a job I loved. And all of a sudden I start hallucinating 3 voices

I omitted several other negative incidents. But I feel if I had experienced one small thing. Things may be very different today. I may be wrong but in my heart I feel I am not.

I feel if I had experienced a legitimate relationship where the person wasn't just manipulating me through various means to gain something but was instead someone nurturing I would be in a different place today.

What's your guys opinion?

Any comments would be appreciated.

Hope y'all have a wonderful day! 😊