Fighting into loneliness of next week - gift giving issues

When u know how you fought loneliness last week

U know how to fight this week

Even if all u see n feel now is isolation

Yk I come here not for “fix” or advice…

I’m doing that n progressing to take notes n trying my best in this aspect

Entirely I missed only comfort me empathy

I feel empty w hole in my chest cuz I never got the supported I rly needed

That’s all I’m asking here now

Anything else is just pointless n won’t make me feel good or validated …

Feeling disconnected cuz I’m tired of fighting the same pain I don’t even deserve to be in for so long. It’s so not fair, so sad n so confusing at the same time. Over this weekend I also learn some “new” stuff around my relatives …. No matter how distant ur family is, just cuz ur glad they are in ur life n u like them for who they are simply cuz they are…

It’s not that they will be thinking or be willing to be the same for u. 

Even after we got reunited, yk?

​I was constantly trying to show my care which came natural to me ….but I also wanted them to know I think of them, having that care eventually received back, I wanted them to know they have my attention….. letters, gifts….but they either not reciprocated at all or weren’t willing.

To this day, I dunno how yk cousins felt after each letter to every one of them I made. As for gifts, all I got was simple “thanks, they liked it” from my godmother.

Not cousins themselves. We are not in contact n my suggestions went down the road or air into blindness…..

Moral of this weekend was: match the care received or stop if you don’t see them giving u the care back…..

Basically as always w ppl. 

Don’t settle for less.

Don’t always assume or look through lenses of “goodness” instead of set based reality.

So far, only objective thinking here helps.

But it’s sorta logical thinking when u look for evidence n nothing else.

Not if they’re good, if they’re ur fam or strangers, if they been there before for u or not. Are they now?

I always end up in same answer…NO

You come to pint in life - where u don’t know how it should rly look like cuz u never got it back……ofc it still hurts me.

If I fight self pity by being disconnected instead of totally sad, I dunno what else, just be it n I come here to express what is happening to know who is on the same boat. That’s why all I need is comfort n empathy. Being in this rabbit hole myself n feeling same inside is just as difficult as anything else in life. Cuz it’s real.

But by this time, you all know that..