Feeling sad at an Erasmus

Hey, I don’t usually talk about my feelings, and since English isn’t my first language, this might come across as a bit rough.

Last year was really tough. I moved back in with my parents after spending three years living partly on my own in an apartment near my university. Adjusting to life with my strict dad after having the freedom to "do what I want" was challenging. I had to follow his rules—no parties unless I told him in advance, always being home for family meals, and even asking permission to go to the gym. On top of that, I had to take a three-hour round-trip train ride every day, which was exhausting.

During the second semester, I got an internship at a mental hospital for kids just 15 minutes from my mom’s house (my parents are divorced). Naturally, I decided to stay with her during the week and return to my dad’s house every other weekend, as it was about 45 minutes away. This caused a huge family conflict. I struggled to explain myself to my father without getting angry. He was upset because he believed I wasn’t being honest about my reasons—and he was right. My brother and I didn’t like staying at his house because of constant shouting, lack of privacy (sharing a room with my brother), and difficulty studying due to the noise. I was too scared to admit all of this to him, which only made the situation worse. Tensions ran high, and it felt like everyone in the family resented each other.

My internship was incredibly hard. I couldn’t get the children to respect me, which led to a lot of physical confrontations and anxiety-inducing situations.

After that semester, I went to Italy for an Erasmus program, hoping it would solve my problems—but it didn’t.

I’ve always struggled to make friends. Although I found a group of French people, I still feel like I’m not fully part of the group. The experience has forced me to confront parts of my personality, like my lack of confidence and deep social awkwardness. I’ve come to realize my issues aren’t tied to where I am but are reflections of myself.

Two weeks ago, my father called to tell me that my 13-year-old sister had attempted suicide for the second time (the first was in June). This attempt was much more serious—she took 50 pills from one of my father’s medications. He told me that if they hadn’t found her in time, she wouldn’t have survived. That news broke me.

I feel helpless. I’m studying psychology, yet I can’t seem to help my own sister, which makes me feel incompetent and useless.

Lately, I haven’t wanted to see my friends. Being around them feels unbearable because they seem so happy, while all I want to do is cry. I’ve tried to push myself to socialize, but it’s incredibly hard.

Today, I was planning on going to the library with a friend to study for an exam, but I returned home after a few hours, not feeling good.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I want someone to help me, but no one seem to reach for my hand. There is one girl who study psychology with me who I talked a little bit about the situation (I just said that my sister was in a difficult situation), but I don’t know how to talk to her about it. I ́ve never talked about my feelings to someone, and I don’t want to be a burden...