Failed entrance exam again

Im aiming to study computer science engineering, from the get go I was aware that this was going to be harder for me than average since I’m not gifted in math nor did I pick subjects that would help me make it easier in hs. I took the entrance exam right out of high school. Failed entrance exam. Cool, I’ll try again I mean I only studied for a month prior to it it was only fair I didn’t get in. 2022, studied all year, went to multiple teachers, paid private tutoring, *** I did every problem that was provided in that 1000 pages book. Didn’t get in. Didn’t even make it to the second stage of the admission process.

Now, I’ll start studying and try again next year, this has been decided. Objectively, I came into this knowing full well I wasn’t going to get it first try, i know that in life I have to fail a lot before I become successful and I’m only starting my independent life. This is where the depression comes in.

I can already fill myself spiraling. My mom jokes about it says oh let her be she’s depressed right now, but I’m seriously worried because I’m struggling to see my way out of this one. I’m still aware of my surroundings and how my thinking process is being clouded by depression, but all the meticulously planned out goals I had for my future are crumbling down. I know feel stupid and naive, I feel like I’m falling behind in life, I feel like I was an idiot for ever thinking I was special or different or able to get anywhere. I didn’t choose computer science because it’s a passion of mine but neither because of money, I chose it because I struggle in focusing and it’s the only job I can see myself doing long term. Couple of kids from my school decided to try out for the same exam, they did take the classes that would provide them with the knowledge for the exam, so it’s no wonder they made it to the second stage on their first try but again, clouded judgement, finding out they did make it on their first try is what made me come down again today, them making it Can only mean that is not a hard exam, is not that everyone struggles, it’s just that I’m not good enough. My best wasn’t good enough. I’m not good enough.

All of this of course is spreading into every aspect of my life, I cannot stand my family, I cannot stand my friends, I don’t want to eat but binge any chance I get, I only want to sleep, I want to drink and it’s not even noon, I feel like I need a cigarette and I’ve never smoked but I would give it a try rn, hate weed but anything goes currently.

I hate that I can’t just go through sadness normally, why do I have to feel worthless or on top of the world? Why can’t I grieve my lost and get back up like a normal person? I feel nauseous and not even exercise is helping at this point

im sorry i don’t know for what