hey, I am sorry you are going throug this, I randomly saw this on the site. I wanted to contribute as I just lost my dad, he was very sick and due to circumstances out of my control, there isn't anything else I could have done to be there for him, but I feel like I could have maybe called more often, but due to the distance it was making it hard to worry, and now I feel that I didn't want to hear him on the phone as he was in pain, and I feel like I couldn't bear hearing him that way. I did talk to him on a few occasions and I was getting updates through my mom. I did go visit him and I did tell him and showed him how I felt when I was there. I just don't know if I could have done anything else. I feel that some form of what if seems to be a normal occurrence or reaction... I am no expert on this, but this is just my interpretation. You are not alone and you have all the support for your loss. I am sorry know how painful it is and hard to keep inside with no one to talk to maybe if that ie the case. I was already dealing with grief as he was so ill. I pray that he like your mom is at peace. I think death teaches us, some of us, not all of us, I felt very ambivalent about my parents when they were alive, then I really started to feel bad when they got sick. You are human and I think the fact that you can realize this is a gift and shows empathy and compassion for your mom
