A friendzone turned me into a workaholic
It's been years since it happened and only been weeks since i've fully cut ties with him due to my obsession only worsening over time. The experience has been awful; i kept being reminded of all the good times we used to have, the songs we used to listen became a painful reminder, i can never look at love without feeling a sharp pain in me. This awful feeling, combined with the stress of school, turned me into a workaholic. Since i've given up love, given up on my social life, i guess the only thing i can look forward to is my academics. Things went well at first; i got good grades, most of my hw were done long before their dues; then the problem came at the end of every day where i can no longer distract myself. Suddenly all of my problems came crashing down. I feel overwhelmed by this and often resort to extreme measures to ground myself. It just makes me feel hopeless that this happens every, single, day. I just want to forget him why is it so difficult? (T-T) i don't want to feel this pain.. i don't want to live like this.. i've reached out to all of my friends and none of them could offer much support. It feels like i'm alone in this...
Ok, I am sorry that I missed a few days but I am back and functioning again (I think).
I don't think that you have necessarily lost her as a friend. Giving someone space and time is a good thing, but it isn't the predetermined ending of a relationship.
I think where you struggle at the moment is with patience because of that panic that you will be alone. I don't know if my own story helps here. I didn't meet "the one" until I was around 25. In fact, I had been on only 1 other date. I was pretty sure that I wasn't all that lovable. I was wrong. When and how love is going to strike is completely unknown. But you have to take it slow and love YOURSELF first. What do you do daily to show yourself love and increase your confidence? That is where to focus your energies rather than on outside relationships right away.
Talk with yourself. Walk and run. Those are the things that show love for you. Reject what you think the world is saying about you. You are starting to do some of those things and I am proud of you. Your parents are going to be completely annoying for the next little bit until you start school. Get outside and away from the house as often as you can. It will help a bit.
Patience. You are strong and you are going to get through this.
I think the idea of me dying alone is not a mere speculation anymore, but rather a certain fact. Just think about it, i live in a mostly religious country. What kind of parents would mary their daughter with a bisexual atheist like me? And it's not like gay marriage is legal here anyway. On top of that, my parents would never approve either of those options. So really, me dying alone is not a mere speculation anymore, it's just my fate.
Unless i plan to leave this country and therefor everything and everyone behind, that's my fate. I've been meaning to leave the country.. maybe Germany, but i'm still not sure.
You speak of self-love as if it's a naturally occuring thing. Meanwhile, self-hate just feels normal to me. Just like how the sun rises from the east and sets on the west, "I hate myself," is just a naturally occuring thing.
I've listened to my friend talk about his smoking experience. I noted how he says that ciggarates have a therapeutic effect on the user. Alcohol, cigarettes, porn, all have that same effect on people. I choose the one that causes the least harm, the latter.
=------=------=
There's not much to write for today. I'm currently on a ship back to the main island with my family. I'll head back to the archipelago near the end of july to attend college orientation.
So i'm just going to write an entry about my close friends as of now.
We met when i asked around about my crush's contact. He's an old friend of mine. Whilst i'm waiting for my crush's response, i had a long conversation with him. I mentioned him in an old post but i never mentioned that we're actually friends with benefits. As to how we got there, after a rather emotional conversation where we both open up about our problems, i jokingly said that this is the part where things get dirty. Then we just got in the heat of the moment and.. yeah, now we're fwb's! Although the entire relationship is not only physical, we promised that we should be transparent about our problems instead of shying away from it or using physical intimacy as an escape.
=------=------=
It's been 2 days now since i got back home. I've been trying to adjust to a new normalcy after weeks of different culinary diet experience and random schedule. The hunger and exhaustion is a problem, so i spent the entire day focusing on it.
Other than that, i had a deep talk with my fwb. He opens up about a lot of stuff after a moment of vulnerability. His ex dad was abusive. It shape most of the social outlook he has today. I couldn't offer much support due to the fact that we both live in different hemispheres. So i tried my best to offer what little support i can. We ended up spending the entire day talking with each other.
I've also experienced a terrible stomachache that left me somewhat paralyzed for most of the day. So having a company in those painful time is really comforting.
But since we live on different hemispheres, i've been protesting to him about his lack of sleep from spending the entire night to talk with me. I already gave him an alternative way to go about it but it still goes nowhere. I'm really worried for his wellbeing and it's really difficult to make any changes because we live so far from each other.
He later explained to me how he likes talking to me and would be willing to spend the entire night for it. It's really heartwarming, but i can't help to also feel bad because he's hurting himself in the process as well.
As of now, i'm still pushing for him to get enough sleep.
Your brain is lying to you about the "fate" thing due to the depression. You don't know what is going to happen or where you are going to end up. You also don't have to marry someone to be committed to them. Nothing is easy, but it isn't fated either.
Self-love most certainly isn't naturally occurring. I didn't say that at all. It is one of the hardest things that you do in life because it is a constant battle. Self-hate is the easy one, but it also destroys you inside. It is why you have to work so hard at the self-love part. What did you do today to encourage self-love? What kinds of things do you like about yourself? Can you think of just one positive adjective for today?
I am glad that you get to go back to your new university soon in just a few more weeks to do orientation. I know that probably feels like a long time but you will make it.
I am glad that you are taking time to explore another friendship in a new way. It allows you to see even further how complex each person's story is. Everyone is struggling with something.
Push for both of you to get enough sleep and enough food. Those are another form of self-love.
How could you not marry someone if you're commited? I thought that was the idea of it, to be commited.
I don't know what's going to happen, but i can tell that no parents can accept atheism or bisexuality in this religious country.
With how random life is, who's to say it won't happen? It's as plausible as any other ending.
I think i just gave up on working on myself. There's also nothing to be like about me. I mean, i'll have my second wave of workaholism in 2 weeks. Things will get very busy and i'll exploit it like i used to.
I'll die alone, i'll drink to that if i'm legally allowed to.
=------=------=
I thought about death, about time. How inevitable the former is and how little of the latter i have. You even called me impatient because of it. I mean, who could've blame me? For all i know, there's no telling if i'll live or die tomorrow. There's no telling with how chaoticly random life can get.
One moment you're just happily talking with your friend, the next they open up to you about their abusive past or lost.
You fell asleep after a long day in school, only to wake up to a message from one of your depressed friend. Telling you that they're too much for you then suddenly cut you off from their life. Leaving you to only hope for their wellbeing.
You open up to your long time crush only to be met with a heavy dissapointment; was it all for nothing?
You were just having fun with your friend until you noticed how distance you are from them. Your thoughts began to wonder and now you're thinking of the optimal height of a building or bridge for you to not feel the fall. The abyss seems alluring.
Ah, perhaps i let my mind wonder again? Waking up from a sleep to nothingness does that to you i guess.
Well in many same sex relationships throughout the world for the last several thousand years, the only thing that you could do is be committed to someone without marriage because marriage wasn't allowed. It is amazing to think that even in Europe and the US, actual same sex marriage that is legally recognized has only been around for a decade or so. When many of those couples got married, they had already been in a committed relationship that was like a marriage in everything except for the piece of paper for 10-20 years. Historically there are tons of same-sex relationships that lasted whole lifetimes. Marriage is only a piece of paper.
You cannot and haven't given up working on yourself. You exercise, you study, you try to eat and sleep at good times. All of those are forms of self-care and self-love. You can build on those and really need to in order to build up your resilience and ability to survive.
There is plenty to like about you. For one you care deeply about friends and want to help them. I have seen you report that multiple times. So start creating a list of things like that. Each time you do a kind act, even opening a door, write it down. At least once per day. When you can make it a habit then your brain begins to shift. Also remember to think of that "really connected" moment. Mine today was baking cookies for my husband's birthday. What was yours?
You are right that life is sometimes random. But it feels more random if you either just live with what has already happened or you just focus on future unhappiness. The present is what matters most. It takes lots of effort to live there. But keep working at it. @RhysThe3rd
@bestVase7265 Ok.. i see your point. I can still be commited with my partner without getting married.
(Also, happy birthday for your husband :D)
Perhaps i've been unreasonably harsh with myself recently. During our trip to my college, where me and my family temporarily stayed in my flat, i was rarely ever given the privacy to be myself. It's really sickening. There's barely any time for me to process anything.
We always got home late because we spent the entire day vacating around the exotic island. Eat this food, watch that sunset, ride on a mountain, it was very eventful.
Then there's the day where i found out through my fwb that my crush, him, has been ignoring this entire time. It felt soul crushing. He has more time for my friends than me. I waited days, weeks, for his response. My friend has only chatted with him a day prior.
I immediately cut him out of my life, for what feels like the 5th/7th time now. It took a talk with my fwb to finally tear down my idolised image of him. Now, sadly, i only see him as a human. No more, no less than me.
I used to somewhat worship him. My fwb even pointed out how far down i've gone. I have his picture as a good luck charm, i carry his name in all of my actions, i genuinely believe in his kind actions and tend to share it with the world. A sort of "passing the torch" thing. As a show of gratitude i intend to share that same love and kindness with the world.
To find out that after all that he doesn't even think of me that much... it hurts, it broke me. It shatters my believe system. Everything feels like a lie. I did everything for him..
I immediately deleted all traces of his message, leaving only some images for archives. I contemplated about burning his picture out of spite. But even then, he somehow manages to make me feel sinful about it.
I remember that day, i just wanted to be alone. To just cry it out and isolate myself like i always do, but my parents doesn't get that. Thankfully though, my fwb is kind enough to accompany me through that hard time.
The days following it were one of emptiness and distraction obsessed tendencies. The days were chaotic, i remember feeling delirious/like a drunk person with how carefree i look one night. Just dancing to a music in my head as my family take me through the city's street, looking for some snacks before we leave for the main island.
Again, i'm thankful for my fwb for keeping accompanied and somewhat sane through that time.
=------=------=
🥳 Rhys Appreciation Post 💫
So... i had another talk with the girl who rejected me. We had a conversation that clear some things up.
Firstly, i never intended to approach her just to ask her out. My intention was to be her company whilst her friends are busy with filing for college. My feelings for her was out of the blue and an unexpected surprise.
Secondly, again, she's not ready and is afraid of a commited relationship. She also said, and i quote, "I'm too good for her." Now had my mind were in a more depressed state, i'd let that statement slide. But now that i'm in a somewhat better state, i couldn't help but smile honestly. Although i'm also saddened that that's the reality for her. That she doesn't believe it's possible for genuine good people to exist.
In another note, i made my own lunch today. I felt bored by my usual nugget and rice diet. It taste bland my mouth now. So i went out of my way to walk to minimarket and buy the necessary ingredient to make my favourite childhood dish, the tomato sardine. It was the second time i made it so i remember the ingredients and cooking process by heart now.
There's still plenty of works to be done now. I just need to be patient as i start slow and transition back to my normal routine.
=------=------=
So my fingers smells like onion now from today's cooking .-.
Also i'm contemplating whether i should reactivate my listener account or not. I was so afraid of messing up when i first made it so i never really got to use it. I've always been a listener for my friends so having the chance to used that skill for strangers in need offers me stuff to do in my empty hours.
I totally get how stressful it must have been to be away prepping for college. You really do get such limited time alone and then when you get home and have that then you are stuck processing much more than usual.
The beginning of college will probably also feel a bit like that. Is your family coming with you when you go or are you traveling by yourself next time? If they are coming with you that final setting up of your space can also be really stressful and rushed. Then all of a sudden everyone is gone and you don't quite know what to do with your new freedoms (while you are trying to simultaneously figure out your new classes). Part of my job is to help students through that moment, so let me know if I can help you in any way. It takes a few weeks but you begin to settle in and then usually enjoy yourself.
It is painful to see your crush as human, but he really is. He wasn't perfect for you to begin with (from an outsider's perspective). There are certainly people who act in more caring ways than he did and you deserve someone who finds you special. This pain right now will allow you to move forward which is a good thing. It is much better than worshipping him.
I am glad that you were also able to clear some things up with your female friend. Do note a bit more clearly what you said "But now that i'm in a somewhat better state, i couldn't help but smile honestly. Although i'm also saddened that that's the reality for her. That she doesn't believe it's possible for genuine good people to exist." You have often said the exact same thing about people - that you can't find the good. It is what depressed people do and she has been depressed. When you are depressed kindness comes as a surprise. So she can use your continued kindness.
I love that you got out and made the tomato sardine and that your fingers smell like onion. One of the great things about being out on your own soon is that you will be able to make your own choices about what you want to eat and cook more. I like cooking too. Sometimes it is quite the experiment. Tonight we had chicken but I only had fish broth to cook it in. I thought that the combination was going to be bad, but it ended up pretty good. Tomorrow will be leftovers.
I think that the idea of doing a listener account is a good one. Listening to others and responding really helps you to create a better talk in your own head. At least that is how it works for me. My challenge is the listening format. I like being a forum supporter better because then I can write one message a night to someone and not feel guilty if I can't keep going for hours.
I don't know what to write. There's not much to write about anyway. The days are slow, too slow. There's too many inaction that it's starting to make me feel uncomfortable. There's also been too many spare time so i've been thinking a lot. I got called out plenty of times for thinking too much and i just couldn't help it. Going out is not an option because most of my clothes are already packed in my suitcase.
By next sunday i'll be depart again for college. I don't know what to expect of it. Since most of my knowledge of it are from the many novels i've read. I guess i picture it to be freeing and wonderous. Finally, after all this time, i'm finally free from my parent's draconian grip. But with freedom also come a set of responsibilities. I'm pretty much responsible for myself now. I don't think that's a bad thing and in fact quite the opposite. I'll finally learn to appreciate myself since i'm the one taking care of myself now. I guess that's something to hope for.
Regarding my social approach for college, i think i'm still adopting my semi-isolationist policy, only interacting with people when i feel like so. It's difficult to interact with people after a long periode of isolation because you're used to the silence and peace. Which is why my social anxiety is becoming a problem again. I can still start and hold up a conversation. It's just that i have a very limited topic of interest so conversation dies out really quickly.
So what do i do? I just hope that the other party carries the entire conversation. I'm used to listening to whatever people has to say. It's like reading an open book and it can be fun sometimes. That's also one way to make friends, just be their listener. Each person have their own unique story and it's really satisfying to see people's authentic self from their personal story. It also never fails to make me smile when people talk about what they're passionate about. It gives me new perspective on things i never knew before. With that my world became more vibrant and colorful as i continue to seek more meanings in this world.
Maybe living isn't so bad afterall.
I am glad that you don't have a huge amount to write. It shows that your brain is in a better place at the moment. Even when you have extra time to think you aren't falling completely down a hole. That is a massive victory for you.
The last few days before you leave and you are all packed up are hard because time seems to go a bit too slowly. You do have lots to look forward to and I think that you will handle college well. But you are right - it is a combination of freedom and responsibility. Sometimes they both feel a little overwhelming, especially after the adrenaline starts to fade about week 2 or 3.
Your social approach to college sounds great. A semi-isolationist policy sounds like one I would take. I am not one for parties. Go to what you feel like going to and don't feel pressured. Listening is a great skill to have and to continue to hone. I bet you will find people who are passionate about all sorts of things at your new school.
What classes will you take in your first semester? @RhysThe3rd
I lost the game. It's been about... 5 hours since i've first opened it. I felt dissapointed. I thought the high would never end. Until of course i lost an election then got kicked out of office.
Today is a mixed bag. While i did exercise and cleaned my room, the rest of the day is just me getting caught up in my gaming addiction. I should've known, i should've been wise to my own trap. I'd often switch games whenever i'm bored and so the cycle kept repeating.
I've been having lots of weird dreams lately. I don't really know why. They're very random in its nature so i couldn't decipher any meaning.
I don't know what to write.. there's just so many things wrong. The fact there's so many things wrong and i don't know what annoys me. There's a reason my addiction is getting out of hand. I just don't know what.
I think it might've been my fear of dying alone. I have come out to my fwb a lot about how insecure i am about the state of my social circles. My social anxiety is also back with full force; thanks months of isolation.
Dad has also been buying me lots of stuff for college and my mind din't take it lightly. Whenever he bought something for me, for example my new phone, i'd had an awful sinking feeling me. I'd feel pain whenever my parents spend money on me.
Thoughts scattered all over the place and clouds my mind. The past and future haunts me at the same time. I'm paralysed. Thoughts are running.
I missed him. But i knew he's gone for good. Life feels so easy around him. I don't have to worry much. But now i just i don't know.
Maybe it's right for him to abandon me. I can't imagine anyone getting dragged down with me.
Ok, you know that you are being dragged into the hole a bit here. It is not surprising because right now you have too much time to think. It is also like things are going too fast and too slow at the same time.
So begin by granting yourself a bit of grace. You know at moments like this that your brain is lying to you, especially about things like your self worth.
So when you feel yourself falling into the gaming hole, set up a timer. Only allow yourself to do it for a certain interval (maybe an hour) before you go on a walk and get out of the house for a bit. Or take a break and listen to an inspirational podcast. I have been listening lately to Kate Bowler who interviews others about how to find your way out of that darkness. Some of it is twinged with religion but in a quirky unexpected way that really rewrites what religion is completely. That part of it you can ignore. But listen to how she talks about human failing and human love in general. I actually don't listen to episodes. I just read the transcripts. But they are very helpful.
You are going to figure stuff out. I have complete confidence in you.
It's probably been days since i made a post. I've been sort of anxious about it. Is it weird that i'm afraid of loss and have difficulty accepting it?
I may have been semi-isolationist because i'm afraid of losing people close to me. I may also rate how close people are to me based on the frequency of how much i opened up to them.
It also explains why i'm having an easier time letting go of some of my close friends. We might have been close, but there's really not much emotional openness there. I mean, they're not really good at listening either. Always preaching or judging.
This is why i'm left with only two people in my life that i'm fully transparent with. Frankly, i'm afraid of losing them. It's just you and my fwb.
I've been suffering from social anxiety a lot lately. You should've seen the way i fumbled at the day of my medical check. I got yelled at and humiliated infront of a lot of students because i'm late on a test, i got sent back and forth between the hospital and auditorium, i stumbled a lot on my words, and my lungs were on fire from my severe anxiety.
I'm also afraid of bothering people or being a bother to them. This might've been another manifestation of my low self-worth.
I'm wondering if i should contact my crush again. I blocked him out of anger after i found out that he's ghosting me. I've blocked him so many times now that i should've just let him go and forget him. It's difficult. He's giving me mixed signals. He'd have moments where he seemed to genuinely care and then stopped messaging me for over a week, claiming that he's having an exam but has more time for his other friends than me.
I know it sounds like i'm clingy or even desperate for his attention, but is that really so much after waiting for it for months? That his return did do some good for me, at least initially.
As much as i hate him for leaving me again, part of me still misses his company. He's one of the few people who actually listens and acknowledges me.
Write whenever it feels good and correct to do so. There is no need to feel guilty about taking a pause.
If you weren't "afraid of loss and having difficulty accepting it" at this point in your journey towards university, I would be surprised. It is all very anxiety inducing.
And I also get that you feel a need to be semi-isolationist because you are scared of being hurt again. You feel such pain deeply. But you can build up a tolerance for loss that makes it easier to accept. You eventually realize that the pain of isolating yourself is worse than the pain of loss. But the fact that you aren't there yet is normal.
A bunch of people in your normal life are going to be judgy sometimes and it is okay to keep distance when you need to. You also don't need a huge number of friends at any point in your life. Just a few closer ones are fine. But keeping count of how many you have may be counterproductive. Basically you just need to ask yourself regularly "Am I lonely or do I have enough friends to not be too down all the time?" As long as you don't fall into the "lonely" category you are good.
And don't worry. I am not going anywhere. You can't lose me. Every so often I miss a day because I have an exhausting day or I have a long response to write to someone else, but I will always be back in a day or so. I like these longer, slower conversations and helping people. I have been doing this nightly for about 8 years or more now.
Tell me more about the social anxiety that you experiencing now. Have you officially started? That is a time of severe social anxiety when things that would normally be okay become much bigger. What kinds of things do you do to calm yourself down again when you get that anxious?
Being afraid of bothering others is also part of depression. But again, your brain is lying to you. There will be lots of questions that you will have in the next few months because you are in a new situation. Asking those questions actually makes you look engaged and smarter. You can't know everything. When you ask the question you show that you care about getting things right. It is how you impress instructors and your fellow students. As an instructor, I actually look for this in students as a way of showing how successful they will be. So ask the questions.
You do need to block your crush. When you get nervous or anxious, you still see him as a solution. He isn't one. At this point, he is still too caught up in his own issues to be paying enough attention to you. You deserve better than that.
(Yesterday)
It's my first day living by myself. There's just so many things happening, things i have to do. I felt so alone. I feel like i don't have much time to process it.
Tomorrow is orientation day. It all just feels so overwhelming.
Sorry if this is too short. I can't waste any time right now, and it feels stressful.
=------=------=
(Present time)
It felt lonely. Despite my mum's effort in building a social network for me, it din't matter in the end. I tried to "reach out" but it's as if nobody cared. So i ended up isolating myself even more.
There's a volunteer event on saturday but it was full. I was feeling hopeful that i'll be doing something meaningful for once but no. I'm left with myself to figure out what to do.
I'm just losing hope if i'll ever make a meaningful connection here. ( T-T)
You have only been there a few days. Building relationships takes time. Trust me on this one. I watch new students struggle with this every year that I have been teaching.
For some, it takes a few weeks, others a few months, some it takes into their second year to get comfortable. That is very, very normal. I actually teach a support class for those students who are still struggling at the start of year two.
I am not saying that you are going to struggle that long. You probably won't at all. But here are a few tips to help.
1) You don't have to have tons of friends eventually. You can have one or two and that is fine.
2) Look for those mini-opportunities to volunteer or whatever. They will happen more than once.
3) You don't have to go to any event for too long. It can be overwhelming. Praise yourself for even just sitting out in the cafeteria.
4) Actual classes are good places to make friends. Sit near the same people if you can. You don't have to talk too much at first except maybe to say hi.
5) Don't sit in your apartment by yourself for too long. Get out walking. Study in the library or somewhere else.
6) Keep coming here. I will help you. This is actually what I am good at - helping new students build relationships on a campus.
You have got this! Just keep at it. It will be a little overwhelming at first but you will get more comfortable. @RhysThe3rd
Hoping that you have been having a good week. I know very clearly how intense everything is at first. I have been thinking about you.
Remember to find a good moment in each day or a brief time where you can focus on your senses. Mine was watching a little of the Olympics.
As you could probably see it's been six days since i've made my last post. I think i've been slowly getting the hang of living by myself.
There were moments where i've done all there is to fo and then it's just, "What now?". Campus orientation is done so i'm just waiting for the faculty's orientation. There's going to be a preorientation meeting on sunday, so there's that i guess.
Surprisingly, i made lots of friends already. It also seem comically easy, just introduce yourself and get them to talk about themselves (people love to do that). I've also made lots of friends from various different faculty, although sadly i've yet to meet them again.
=------=------=
It's been more than a week now and i think i've adjusted myself to this life. I desperately want to write something to you, to tell you that i made lots of friends and that my values really shine in college. That people actually appreciate what i believe in and it only motivates me even more.
Yet, despite of it, one thing doesn't change. I'm going to d*e alone aren't i? That no matter how much effort i put out, it won't change the fact that i'll d*e alone. When words out go out about who i really am, people will hate me. I'll probably get kicked out of college for it too.
It just reinforce the idea that I have 52 years left..
The beginning of your message made me smile especially. "What now?" is definitely what the first few weeks of college and living on your own feels like. It is like a whirlwind of stuff that is both really invigorating and totally confusing.
You do meet a lot of people at first and it can be hard to spot them again in the first few weeks because there are just so many of you. Then you start to run into people in classes, etc. again and again and who your real friends are going to be slowly becomes apparent.
I knew that you would run into people with the same likes and beliefs as you as soon as you arrived at university. I was trying to convince you of that and how different and better things would feel as soon as you got there.
You wouldn't quite believe me. That is just fine. But I want you to think about that in terms of that final fallacy that your brain is telling you - you will never meet anyone who is right for you. You have just spent the last week meeting tons of people with like interests and were actually friendly. Two months ago you were saying that was impossible too.
None of that part of things may happen quickly. In fact, I am sure that there will be some days where ALL of the old doubts creep in. That is pretty inevitable. But for now trust how well things are going and keep open the possibility of a good future. @RhysThe3rd
I've been anxious a lot. I feel like i'm a terrible person. I feel like i fon't have any worth. I feel like i want to sleep and never wake up again.
It is so nice to see you back. You are making perfect sense. This is what it looks like for many students when they are about a month or so into things.
You are figuring out your study skills and what you need to do to make things work. You are going to make a few mistakes along the way. All of those moments of panic are pretty normal as long as you don't let yourself be overwhelmed by them. They don't mean that you are a bad student or that you are going to fail. The key is to not let a some rough days seem like they are making some kind of permanent statement about you.
The right balance between homework and studying takes a bit to learn. Your test today pointed you in the right direction. You mentioned that you panicked. That impacted how you did on the test. So it may not be lack of knowledge or preparation, but your emotions taking over. You can do this.
I recently learned a study technique that you could try. It is called the Pomodoro method. Basically you study for 25 minutes or so. Then you take a 5 minute break. That 5 minutes can involve NO technology. Then you repeat that 2-3 more times before taking a longer break.
Do they offer any tutoring? Take advantage of anyone with whom you can study and learn. If the professor has office hours and you don't understand things because he talks too fast, go to the office hours and ask him to explain a part of it again. There also might be online studying programs for anatomy that would help you memorize things.
Yes, having a close friend is good, but I'd probably develop that into 2-3 friends so you can spread the worry out among a bunch of people. When you vent with a slightly larger group then the friendships don't break off too quickly usually.
One final thing that I would continue to work on is the pressure that you put on yourself for exams. You keep making them into something they aren't - a black and white, I am good or I am bad moment that will define the rest of my career. No single moment can do that. The more you give yourself the opportunity to relax a bit the more that you are going to succeed.
I know i made a mistake. None of this should have happened, none! I won't have to waste my parents' money more than i already did. I'm failing, falling behind. I'm gonna have to repeat an entire semester aren't i? More money wasted. That's what i am, a waste. None of this should happen, that day was supposed to be my last but for some frickin reason i got accepted into medschool and selected in the international class program. It's as if life itself is mocking me.
My head hurts, i'm doomed. Doomed. I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong in this world.
I should consider dropping out of medschool because i'm just wasting my parent's money. I should also consider giving up on life because nothing matters anymore.
Careful here. Is this based on one quiz or test? You aren't wasting your parents' money. You are figuring out how to be successful. That doesn't happen overnight. Don't let your anxieties start to control things again.
Go back to what you can control - how you study, what you are eating and drinking, meditating and breathing, getting outside. making sure that you take pauses so you can absorb the information better.
It isn't necessarily going to be easy, but don't give up quite so quickly. You have got this.
No, it's actually from a post test of my osteolgy practicum.
=------=------=
Hey, um... I just wanted to make a post and talk about something I've recently discovered.
As you may know, I have an unhealthy obsession with love. This evening, while I was at a café and on the verge of an existential breakdown, I realized something about my obsession. One of the characteristics of it is that I tend to place most of my responsibilities on my partner. By "most," I mean my sense of security. When I'm with my partner, I feel more secure in life. I don’t have to worry about my future or past because my partner acts as an anchor in the present, allowing me to focus on them. In a way, this obsession serves as my coping mechanism.
The sad thing is that I’ve also discovered I can’t rely on myself for that sense of security. When I look within, what do I find? My biggest critic and my own abuser. I know that how I treat myself is a consequence of my parents' absence of punishments. Since they no longer punish me, I’ve learned to punish myself on their behalf.
Additionally, I’m nearing my 18th birthday. It’s no longer going to be 52 years left; instead, it’s going to be 51. I’ve set my sights on becoming a specialist doctor in oncology, hoping that I eventually contract cancer myself.
That’s a sad way to end a post...
There’s just a lot to think about, especially regarding the absence of a partner that leads to a low outlook on my life. How my obsession is actually a coping mechanism for my lack of security.
So for now, I live as if I’m waiting for my grave.
Also, is it odd that i don't think much of my parents? That i only saw them as an entity that ensures my financial sustainability? AKA, no parents mean no money.
You are doing some good analysis of your dependence of other people to love you rather than you loving you. But that is always a solvable problem no matter what trauma you have endured with your parents.
YOU make the decisions about how you feel about yourself. So how do you change the bad self-talk that is inside your brain? Slowly but surely. I have a great deal of confidence in you.
You are trying to do that here. One of the first things to focus on is panicking over every exam as though it says something permanent about you. It doesn't. It is just a momentary snap shot. Another thing is obsessing on how long you might live. Focus on the present and enjoying it as much as you can as you work towards your physician goal.
Once you have begun to feel better about you, the question of a partner will be much more solvable. But you MUST at least like yourself first. That means taking time to heal from the traumas of your childhood. This is why your brain is trying to turn off your parents right now. That is actually a healthy thing for it to be doing.
All of it just takes lots of time and patience. Most of the time you don't even realize that you are healing. But you are. I can tell how much better you are than you were six months ago. Things are going to get even better.
I feel anxious, terribly so. I've been trying to get a friend on a call with me because their voice or presence calmed me down, but they keep turning the offer down and i don't know what to do. It feels inevitable, i haven't been able to keep up with the lectures or practicum and i'm having lots of difficulties with my assignments. I'm going to fail my first block. I just, i'm scared. Please someone talk to me. Please i don't know what will happen if i fail. Please help.
Sending lots and lots of peace. I am so sorry that you don't have anyone to talk to directly right now.
Does your school have a student success center or tutoring?
Start by not looking at the pile in front of you. Take lots of deep breaths and think about where you currently feel like studying would help the most.
Look up things you don't understand online.
Worry about failing AFTER it happens. Just try your best until then, if it actually happens.
Be sure that you are getting enough food and get outside to walk around a bit. @RhysThe3rd
Know that I am still thinking of you, but no response necessary. @RhysThe3rd
Obsessive compulsionary disorder as a response to a lack of proper stress management.
Yes, thinking about someone you like can be a form of stress coping mechanism.
In those experiencing self-worth issue, relationship can be seen as a safety net. They depend on their partner for that sense of security that they can't provide for themselves due to self-worth issue. This can lead to an unhealthy imbalance within the relationship as the supporting partner has to tend to the other's problems on top of their own.
It took me years to finally realize this. By then, it was already too late. The ship has sailed and there's little to no hope of any docking anytime soon or ever.
After a while, i just stopped believing that it ever will.
***
Just writing something down to keep me up at night. The silence can be soothing if it weren't for my mind being a siren as always.
First day in on my exam and i'm already making a huge mistake. I forgot to take my labcoat from the laundry so i'm not allowed to participate in the exam. I can attribute most of my failings to my depression and feelings of loneliness. My friend has been unhelpful so i blocked all of them, don't think i'll need any of them anymore. What these events shows me is that i need to concentrate my focus on myself again instead of constantly relying on other people for even the most basic things. Depression has also been a *** so i'm looking for ways to deal with that. To put it simply, i don't have the space to feel *** anymore. If i'll die alone then so be it. But if i can't unalive myself, guess i have no other choice but to wait for it, and therefore, live until it finally comes.
For your first post, your last few sentences are the most damaging and the most mistaken. There is no "too late". There is no "the ship has sailed and their is no hope of docking". What makes you think at 18 or 19 that ANYTHING is permanent? You can change whatever you want for good or for bad. To make the good changes, you just have to have the courage and persistence to work hard to alter how you are thinking. You may have lost one person. You haven't lost the journey to find someone.
For your second post, getting rid of all your friends at this point is another form of a lack of courage and persistence. Of course, they won't always be helpful. No one is ever helpful on a permanent basis. You don't need to rely on others, but they should exist in your life.
Your school should have people that you can go to talk about your depression, even if it is students learning to be psychiatrists. I strongly advise this. You can't hide behind your parents and not telling them anymore. They don't need to know. You are old enough to do it all in private. This can really help you with the depression. You aren't on this journey alone.
In response to the previous post:
I don't know mate.. that's what scares me the most. I don't know if i'll ever find another partner or not. With the way my mind works, latching onto negative outcomes is natural for me to do as it is preferable than not knowing at all.
Why do you think i joined med school? It's because at the moment i believe that i'll never had that chance again, i decided to advocate my whole life onto something meaningful instead of chasing or even waiting for a "soulmate" that barely gives a Scheiß about me. I decided to become a lifelong learner, a researcher, daring myself that i'll enter my grave as a professor, no less than it. With my current trajectory, i'll either become a specialist who researches oncology or psychiatry.
All of this is actually just a ruse. I found that had my life been more meaningful and purpose orientated, my life would pass by quicker. This is basically my plan all along. I gave up in life by not giving up.
Ok, i know a certain college organization that deals with teenage problems. It's just that, well, people here are bad listeners. They're more reliable as a provider of advice than as a listener.
Maybe i'm a bit unfair with them here, i'll try to give them a try.
=------=------=
It feels like i'm not really fit for living. Like, all i do every day is show up in college, study a bit, do the assignment, go home, and sleep. Now i've entered the exam unprepared, and i just feel exhausted. Honestly, if I fail my first block, i should begin to consider if my continued existence is worthwhile or not.
I don't even feel like i'm living. It's just sort of numb and waiting for the days to be over. I'm gonna fail my parents and cost them even more money by failing the block. "You should quit if you feel like you can't handle it because if you don't, you are being careless to your parents' sacrifice," is what my lecturer told us in response to the complaints that medical school is hard.
I really am counting my days.
