A friendzone turned me into a workaholic
It's been years since it happened and only been weeks since i've fully cut ties with him due to my obsession only worsening over time. The experience has been awful; i kept being reminded of all the good times we used to have, the songs we used to listen became a painful reminder, i can never look at love without feeling a sharp pain in me. This awful feeling, combined with the stress of school, turned me into a workaholic. Since i've given up love, given up on my social life, i guess the only thing i can look forward to is my academics. Things went well at first; i got good grades, most of my hw were done long before their dues; then the problem came at the end of every day where i can no longer distract myself. Suddenly all of my problems came crashing down. I feel overwhelmed by this and often resort to extreme measures to ground myself. It just makes me feel hopeless that this happens every, single, day. I just want to forget him why is it so difficult? (T-T) i don't want to feel this pain.. i don't want to live like this.. i've reached out to all of my friends and none of them could offer much support. It feels like i'm alone in this...
Sie sollen sehr gluecklich mit seinen guten Noten sein! Toll!
Your mother is wrong to not praise you for the great grading report that you received. I know that turning off her criticism is really hard, but it is also clear that you recognize that you have achieved something awesome. Trust yourself and do your best to focus on your teacher's words rather than hers. Remember that parents often try to live their own lives through their kids. Those expectations can be completely unrealistic. You are doing great.
I noticed that your daily schedule didn't contain two of the items on your goal list that you can make part of your daily plan:
- Make a functional personal website
- Make lots of video edits from my favourite music/movie scenes
If you do them every day then you can fill even more of your time with quality activities. I do love the idea that you are getting out for some good exercise on Sunday. That should be quite helpful.
You seeing your life as a form of politics was actually an interesting one to work through. Have you ever read Plato's Republic? It is really thick and hard to understand at points, but he starts from the basic premise that individual actions can be compared to how a polis operates. He goes a bit the reverse of what you did because he dislikes democracy because it led to the death of his teacher Socrates. He really liked the idea of philosopher kings who would rule based on learning and thinking rather than emotions. So your internal monarch can go both ways. The monarch could be a dictator who abuses the people (or your soul), but he can also think through things and do the exact opposite.
What does your plan for today look like?
To answer your question :
Mostly just trying to execute the schedule. I got most of it done except for exercising, it's hard to push myself to do it.
Today's entry :
Today is.. mostly peaceful. I manage to execute most of the scheduled activities. Did yoga and meditated a lot; i'm also working on my self-esteem via self-love meditation. Had an afternoon sleep. It was almost a good day.
Then on the evening i decided to start a project video. It's titled "What if the Cold War had an intro." It started off great, i got some scenes in order it syncs with the music, but then i hit a roadblock. One of the scenes requires an animated map of europe. Now i'm no animator nor do i have the necessary tools to do it so the project came to a halt.
The evening is tough. Loneliness is a strain. I felt hungry for the most part of it.
There's this one thing i wanted to do. For one moment i want to unlock my door to him just to say "Merry christmas and a happy new year mate. I hope you're doing ok, haven't heard from you in a while. I'm still managing my problems so i have to keep my distance from you."
"Heute war nicht "ein bisschen" gut. Heute war gut."
I know how hard it is to say, but today was good. Your brain is refusing to let anything be a victory. You need to fight back against that impulse. You did the things like yoga, meditation, and working on your video project that are excellent and will help you heal. Admitting that makes you even stronger.
Not every day is going to be a victory. Evenings will be hard as you get tired. But that makes those small moments of being okay even more important to celebrate.
As far as your project with the map, have you researched it at all? I bet there are ways to do that without fancy software. What about looking for moving maps that are like what you want? Then you would just need to cite them at the end. What I am basically saying is that roadblocks can be temporary.
As far as the contact goes, I would still avoid it, even with a little message. If the message was going to cause you to think about him less then perhaps, but I think that the reverse is more likely. Keep working on becoming dependent on you and loving you for who you are. You are doing a great job this week.
What are you going to do tomorrow (something special) to love yourself?
I woke up at like.. 6 pm in the evening. The hours before was a blur. My addiction had won over me for most of the duration of the day. "What am i doing?" I thought to myself. I din't feel happy about it, like my life is going no where. The evening sky outside, obstructed by my room's curtain, reminds me that i'm alive and i'm in the real world. I'll try to salvage what i can, today is a disaster.
I realized how most ot my vacation is spent in my room. I.. don't have much places to go to. It's probably one of the contributing factor as to why my addiction has gone worse.
Regarding the project, most of the map animation related videos that I usually saw in channels like vox, is using a program in Adobe After Effect. I'll probably seek out other alternatives to this.
Frohe Weihnachten!
I am sorry that the day was rougher for you. Doing your best to get outside and away from the computer would be good. Will you be able to do more of that tomorrow? Tell me one thing that you see outside.
Always remember that the next day starts with a clean slate. It helps.
I am going to keep things short tonight since it is late here with the celebration. Sending strength and peace. @RhysThe3rd
Merry christmas to you too mate!
To answer your question :
I looked outside of my window and the weather is rainy today. I love every second of it as it brings me a sense of peace and contentment. Oh and i also use rain noise to lull myself to sleep. It's hard to sleep without it since my mind is often filled with rumination.
Today's entry :
Even if most of the day is still spent on my addiction, i'm proud to say that i finally exercised and did yoga today. I'll try to finish the schedule so that everything has a duration. i'll also put up some restrictions to make it harder for me to give in to my addictions. I know that i'm trying everyday and that i did this out of love for myself, because i deserve to live a better live than the current one.
Regarding my project, i found an alternative solution for the map problem. Now i'm working to fit the map into the video, it was a hassle. It's 50% complete and now i'm also scowering the internet for historical footages to use in my video. It's hard to find one without having to pay to remove the watermark.
I also wanted to get this out of my chest. It was a year ago during new year's eve. Dad took me out for a dinner together, it was a.. peaceful night. Then when i got home i received a video call from.. him. When i answered i picked it up he was with his friends, visibly enjoying the moment. They all greeted me and said happy new year to me before abruptly ending the call. Silent came back to my room except for the distance sound of fireworks. I was alone again.
Regen ist wunderbar. Es hat heute auch hier geregnet.
That sound of water as being soothing is another key element to possible healing. It really does help settle your brain so any time that you can listen to it, touch it, etc. could lead to you feeling a little better.
It sounds like you made a solid effort today to get ahead of all of the bad stuff. That is awesome! You even started problem solving the video issues! You did good work and should be proud of yourself. Keep trying. You are headed in a better direction.
I am sorry that the sad relationship anniversary is coming up. I can imagine that you were hurt by that. I will admit that a person who could be that thoughtless probably isn't someone that you want to really have a long-term connection with. From the outside it looks like you could easily be abused by such a person. You deserve better than that.
Today name me one good quality that you have that you think other people should appreciate.
To answer your question :
Not many people know this, but when it comes to romance i'm actually a very loving person. It's just that the pressures of life had pushed me to focus on other aspect of my life. I'd love to experience it again but.. my heart still hurts from the rejection.
Today's entry :
I finally finished my schedule and i even made a poster of it. Took me quite a while but it's for my own sake. Have a look :
Rhys's Essential Schedule for Surviving Non-school Days
4:30 - 5:15 am : workout
5:15 - 5:45 am : do yoga
5:45 - 6:05 am : cook hot water for shower, clean my room
6:05 - 6:25 am : shower
6:25 - 6:40 am : wear my uniform
6:40 - 7:00 am : eat breakfast
7:00 - 8:30 am : first study session
8:30 - 10:00 am : second study session
10:00 - 10:15 am : break time
10:15 - 11:45 am : third study session
11:45 - 12:15 am : have lunch
12:15 am - 1:00 pm : do yoga and self-love meditation
1:00 - 1:20 pm : take a catnap
1:20 - 2:10 pm : read a book
2:10 - 3:00 pm : draw something
3:00 - 3:20 pm : pre-dinner
3:20 - 4:05 pm : do yoga and meditate
4:05 - 5:05 pm : continue my video project
5:05 - 6:00 pm : play a game
6:00 - 6:30 pm : have dinner
6:30 - 7:15 pm : do yoga and meditate
7:15 - 7:45 pm : make a diary entry
7:45 - 8:15 pm : have a conversation with my friend
8:15 - 8:45 pm : prepare for tomorrow
8:45 pm - 4:30 am : sleep
So for the morning i'm going to condition myself as if it was a school day, i'd wear my uniform and have a very tight schedule.
Moving on from the topic, today was ok i guess. I exercised and did yoga, my stomach was full for most of the day. But the evening was a struggle for me. I woke up to a dark room only illuminated by a blue hue coming from my window. It feels melancholic. I was reminded of how alone i am. The christmas song i heard from the tv ad only worsening my condition. It reminds me of how my friends were celebrating it with their friends or relatives, and i'm just left on my room alone. I don't want to bother them by contacting them when they're celebrating.
It also pains me that this year i can't celebrate christmas with anyone. Cause they all left me.
Das ist ein schoener Zeitplan.
I could already see that you are a loving person so that fits nicely. What you are working on now is loving you. Once you feel more firm in that area then the making friends again and taking risks enough to try to form a romantic attachment will all become easier. There are always risks of getting hurt with all of that, but when you love yourself then having the possibility of rejection feels less scary.
Your schedule looks pretty awesome. It is quite detailed so be sure to have some flexibility built in if other things happen like your mom suddenly wanting to go to the store or a friend inviting you to go on a walk.
The evenings are going to naturally be harder because your brain is worn out after the day and you start thinking in ways that you don't want to go. This is when getting in some nature by walking outside or even just watching some animals on a website (explore.org is a nice one) can help a bit. Don't expect perfection from yourself. If you can say the day was "ok" that is good.
Remind yourself that not everyone is experiencing a wonderful holiday filled with friends and family right now. In fact, a lot of people aren't. What people post on social media is most definitely not reality.
In fact, that will be my question for tonight: name at least two people (not you, but either individual people that you know or groups of people) who you can imagine might also be feeling lonely or upset about the holiday like you. How do you like to reach out to people in need like that?
To answer your question :
I.. don't know. I'll be conflicted to even approach them. I've just been so used to being by myself that the idea of reaching out to people seem absurd. I'll feel bad for leaving them to themselves, but i don't know if i can help much either. It's not like i'm in a better state than they are.
Today's entry :
Things has started to slow down. The fire that kept me going those days have pushed itself on it's limits. I excercised today, just not with the same amount of enthusiasm that i had when i first started. I started to stop doing yoga again. The schedule is hard to execute. It's difficult to push me to get up and be hopefull again. Because everyday i'm met with the same feeling of despair that i've been pushing away with these activities. Now i'm hoping i can go back to school and just drown myself in studying. Because at least with studying, i can feel like my life is going somewhere even if i'm not really happy with it.
Y'know.. it makes me question the relevancy of my existance. Just a small speck in the much wider scope of the universe. A number in someone's statistic. Just empty with nothing to give.
Sie werden manchmal sehr muede sein. Das ist okay.
We all get really tired sometimes and can't do things enthusiastically or with lots of energy. Sometimes we just need to rest. That is okay too. It most certainly doesn't make you less valuable to the world. You are doing a great job on trying to make things better. Trying matters a great deal.
Sometimes you also need to change up the schedule a bit. Do things in a different order or add something in that you didn't do the day before.
In terms of my question, I probably worded it poorly in getting your attention focused on doing something rather than just observing. So just focus on the first part: can you think of two people who might not be happy right now in spite of the holiday besides yourself? @RhysThe3rd
To answer your question :
Yeah i think i know them. One is going through depression and the other is having a financial issue.
Today's entry :
Today have been.. good i guess. I spent the entire day going on an adventure with my friend. We had lunch at a popular restaurant, discussed about our past, draw some stuff together and walked from our school to a garden which took us about 3 hours to make a round trip.
But then as the evening come i felt empty again. I don't know if it's fatigue from my adventuring or just the usual evening depression. All i know is that i feel empty, i cared only about myself, easily agitated and just tired.
Why does the bad stuff always happen on the evening.. it also carries out into the next morning :(.
Abends sind immer schwieriger.
Depression makes evenings hard. You are more tired and have less control. It often makes early mornings hard too because you haven't eaten yet and your brain is still settling stuff from the night before when you have less control over your thoughts.
It is really hard but focus on those good hours with your friend as much as you can. Keep working on calling them "good" rather than adding in a "sort of" or "maybe". Those are the important hours of the day, not the rougher evening. Those are the times that are giving you strength to survive the bad points.
Notice too that it was getting out on an excursion that helped a bit. Walking is always a good thing to help work through stuff.
Name me the moment yesterday when you felt most at peace - what were you sensing - something that you saw, or felt, or tasted. @RhysThe3rd
Hey uhm.. sorry for not posting lately. I've been dealing with lots of stuff lately and by the time of writing this i needed a rest.
So to cut it short : today i went jogging with my friends, had a deep conversation with them, made a video to celebrate this year and.. contacted him.
I know that you adviced me against it but it's new year's eve and i can't keep this up anymore. We ended up talking and i was glad that we're still in good grounds. I did catch myself comparing myself to him so i stop it with healthy reassurance which is a small victory for me. He wishes to talk and help me with my problems later. I'm glad that it went well tonight.
Ich hoffe das Sie gut in neues Jahr gekommen sind.
It sounds like you had a successful day with the jogging and other activities.
If you felt some closure in talking briefly to your former love on new year's, then good. Just let it be closure rather than a new version of something to focus lots of attention on.
You are moving forward and finding yourself outside of that relationship. That is a good thing because you are healing.
Today is a bit of a disaster. I was suffering from heartache in the morning. It controls me for most of the day. I eventually passed out and was brought back to reality in the evening.
It's really annoying that this keeps happening. So i'm aiming for at least 30 minutes outside everyday and focusing my meditation/yoga effort on managing my negative emotions and cultivating self-love.
I don't want to hate myself, i had a lot on my plate already. So i'll keep trying, even when i often failed. I don't like to see myself overcome with grieve. I know how much the loss had impacted me, it's not easy to be rejected by someone you consider "the love of your life". But i know i have to create a life for myself. One where i'm not just "his/her soulmate" but a life where i get to be myself, a person with passion, hobbies, and intrinsic qualites regardless if i'm in a relationship or not. That i believe, is the goal of my healing.
What i'll change for tomorrow is : no phone when eating, acknowledging the importance of meditation and yoga as a tool for emotional regulation, get outside in nature to alleviate my self-comparison tendencies, and for goodness sake stop watching porn!
Ein Tag is nur ein Tag nicht einen Leben.
You understand the goal of your healing quite well. You are going to get there.
The largest danger in contacting that person on New Year's is the guaranteed heartbreak that followed. It caused you to think more about the relationship rather than less. So do try to avoid more contact for quite some time to focus on all those excellent ideas in your own healing plan.
So avoid doing what those who self-harm do - blame themselves for falling off the wagon for a day. Instead praise yourself for the time that you stayed away. I am confident that you will do just fine tomorrow. @RhysThe3rd
Today went ok. Even though i was unconscious for most of the day, i found myself again in the evening. I think what happened is that i let my guard down last night and allowed myself to indulge on my addictions and went over my supposed bed time. Consequentially, i felt more fatigued in the morning and required more sleep.
I guess i put too much hope and pressure on myself to improve. This i believe is related to me comparing myself to him again. But ever since i started the love and kindness meditation a couple of days ago, i feel that the effect had lessen.
While the effect had lessen, i still feel the heartache from time to time. Exercising and yoga seem to help me with it. I just have to do it on a daily basis.
Oh and school is back on next week. I don't know how to feel about this. On one side i'm glad because it means i can get busy again. On the other side though, it means working on myself and self-care is going to be hard to manage with school now occupying most of my thought and time.
Koerperliche Bewegung ist wunderbar. Sie sollen es jeden Tag machen.
Exercise and yoga are critical. It is good that your brain is recognizing that. That is how you heal from the trauma. I do believe strongly that you can do this if you keep on the same path.
So even though school is starting next week, make the exercise and yoga part of your daily regimen anyway. You need them. Your school assignments will turn out better with them because they make your studying more productive.
You have time for school and exercise. Trust me as someone who does this stuff for a living. @RhysThe3rd
It's.. about 3 am where i'm at. I.. couldn't sleep. Found it very hard to do so. My mind just keep going back to him. This feeling just never ceased. Perhaps it's because i allowed it to by.. engaging with him.
To be honest my lack of post recently can be attributed to me engaging in some unhealthy stuff to fill that hole in me. I couldn't bare to feel it. It drains the life out of me. Turns any good days into a bad ones. Maybe i should just get some sleep... can't quite decide. Some of my friends are online at the time, but i don't think they're interested in a conversation with me. School is back on monday. I can't wait to drown all of this sorrow in endless work again.
Last night i nearly completed my video project. Got really excited when the map part is done. I was proud at how smooth the animation is albeit the flag animation is a bit jittery. I think it'll be finished today.
Sometimes it feels like he doesn't even want to talk with me anymore. He kept pushing me away at any given chance. Be it his mum suddenly intruding, or a relative came over. ( T-T) i feel so alone at this point. Been chatting with ai a lot, pretty pathetic i know (hahah please end me).
Sie sollen hier bleiben. Wir brauchen Sie hier.
You need to stick around. I know how tough it is at the end of break. It is hard to keep on any schedule. If you sleep most of the day one day then you are up at 3 am the next.
But you can do this by going back to the schedule that you had. It was a good one. It is great that you are working on your video project. Keep exercising and meditating. Get outside.
Do not contact your former love again, especially right now. It will only bring you pain. From my angle contacting him in any way is even worse than engaging in online stuff that you don't want to be doing. Neither is healthy, but that particular contact is devastating you.
I know it feels like you are only weak and all you can do is make mistakes. Your brain is lying to you in that way. Go back to what you were doing a week ago. You were strong enough then for most of the day. You are strong enough now.
Today went okay. I still struggle with my addiction. Felt my head pulsating and shaking from time to time.. i think i'm sick. Maybe it was due to my poor sleep schedule, poor diet, or.. something else. I went out to buy food for myself, it felt really nice. Studied a bit of german. I believe that out of all the subjects, german is the lightest one for me to learn. Maybe because my passion of it motivates me to do it. I am expanding my vocabulary at the moment, wondering when i'll get to learn the integral stuff like forming a sentence. "Ich bin Schuler!" Oder "Ich bin traurig und allein :(". On the evening, i invited my sister to play the new rpg game i just downloaded. It was fun. Din't get to finish that video though, thinking of how i'm planning to end the video project. The project took a lot of space on my tablet. I wouldn't be worried about it had it not for the week long study tour tomorrow. That means another video project is due to be made.
Dass heute ein bisschen besser war ist genug.
You battled the beast today and it didn't completely defeat you, That is a victory and you need to label it as such.
Sorry that you were feeling a bit off physically. That happens with depression sometimes. But it was great that you were able to get out and get your own food. What kinds of things did you buy? Do you like to cook?
It is also good that you have fun with your sister rather than finishing the project. Things will come up and being flexible can really help in creating joy for yourself. I know that feels pretty far off, but it is always possible. @RhysThe3rd
To answer your questions :
If left to my own devices. I'd probably buy stuff i found interesting or intriguing. Like a lava lamp, a dream catcher, a spying glass, a megaphone, stuff that has artistic value, etc.
Oh yeah i love cooking, but getting the ingredients can be a hassle sometime.
Today's entry :
It's the first day of our study trip. Our first destination is a famous mountain in my country. We're gonna trail and ride around it on the next day.
Nothing much can be said about today, other than i feel peaceful for once. Even though i was initially rocked with social anxiety (i'm sorry convenience store jannitor for leaving a trail of dirt on the bathroom 🙏) i felt a lot of guilt when i saw his expression at the mess i left behind.
Oh i also i got the bus's speaker to play the schizo anthem for laughs and giggles. Welcome to the internet boys!
Studied a bit german, i noticed the importance of learning from diverse set of sources. I can use duocard to expand my vocabulary, memrise for day to day words and duolinggo to improve my grammar.
While recounting my past experience of walking alone at night and observing the highway at nigh, i wrote this :
In the absence of passing cars and sidewalk lights, the atmosphere on the highway is so quiet. I'm not sure why, but I feel like walking beside the highway at night. Observing the passing cars and wondering about their destinations. Silent accompanies those without a purpose.
In these small steps, the world seems much clearer. Cracks in the asphalt, the worn-out paint of the highway, and street lights that sometimes shine in white or orange. Street art remnants in the form of graffiti, previously unnoticed under the bright sunlight, now stand out amidst the darkness enveloping their surroundings.
The night is so quiet, dancing with loneliness.
I don't know what kind of literature the text falls into. A poem? An expositional text? I'm not sure.
I'll take a rest now, have a good day mate 👋
I couldn't stop thinking about him. My happiest moments, my saddest moments, my mind immediately latches on to him. But i don't want to ruin his happiness. I have no authority over anyone he chooses to like. That's his will. I just feel broken sometime. Like i couldn't live without him. Even with all of the new memmories i've made of the years, my memmory of our times together is still put on a pedestal. My heart aches for him, sometime i just want to carve my chest and rip it out or just shove something in it. Anything to stop the pain. Even if it means inflicting one on myself.
Eine Reise, wunderbar!
The first thing that I want you to notice is how much more at peace during the day you were because you were traveling and seeing new things. Getting outside is everything in surviving this depression episode.
You even managed to write poetry. Yes that was poetry in my humble opinion. You gave loneliness a place to be an exist that had a beauty to it. You saw things more clearly and with wonder. That is what you are aiming for.
That you had an episode as you settled down for the night where you were back to your old pain isn't surprising. Night time is the hardest and it takes a while before you can recover that part of the day and make it peaceful. But that the rest of your day was good means something.
Keep up the good work. May your view of the mountain be fantastic.@RhysThe3rd
Today went okay, and yes the view is fantastic. Felt like i was teleported to scandinavia! The mountains, the savana, the clouds, the cold air and the fog. I was in a dream! We took lots of photos there and even recreated the "der Wanderer über dem Nebelmeer" pose.
Even with all of that goodness, it's not entirely good. I felt left out by my classmates, so i just joined with my close friends. There's lots of couples here, so i've been avoiding them like the plague.
I'm just trying to make peace with myself now, seeing that sometime i only have myself to rely on.
"Der Wanderer" ist echt ein schoenes Blick!
I am glad that you got the gorgeous viewpoint. That is important in terms of realizing what is of real value in this world.
You don't need to get along with all of your classmates. In fact, I would expect you to be quite distant from most of them. A few friends is what you are looking for, not tons. I know that makes you feel like you are at risk of losing all your friends, but you really aren't. You have what you need for now and you can treasure them.
The couple part of things will happen eventually. You just have to keep rebuilding you right now. Remember that nighttime is when those bad thoughts really get going. Focus on the mountain experiences as much as you can instead.
One thing that helps me day to day is to write down at least one experience of that level of wonder every day. Most of them are simple. Today it was a nice sandwich with a pea spread and cheese that I had for lunch. I really try to focus myself for just a few minutes on everything else but my emotional state. It really helps.
Yesterday :
On the evening we went to this transportation museum that houses lots of attractions. Found the red baron hanging on the ceiling, went on this "around the world" attraction where walk through small recreation of a country's city like paris, london, etc. One of them is a German town. I was so delirious when i saw the German and Bavarian flag hanging on one of the building. There's also a replica of the brandenburg gate! I took lots of pictures there, feeling like a dream come true. I also bought some souvenirs that'll decorate my room. To end the night, we went on a dinner with a live music and a dancing water perfomance. It was breathtaking, the way the spotlight moves in accordance with the water. We danced as the music, the dancing water, and the spotlight cranks the excitement to a hundred.
Today :
Was in the middle of reading a novel. It's genre? Romance.. i used to love reading romance novels. I don't know when it started, but if i try to read them now, i feel like there's this small ache in me that's like pulling me to stop reading it. Since most of the books i read are romances, i stopped reading books completely. What's happening here? :<
Was fuer einen schonen Tag! Das klingt wunderbar.
I am so glad that you got to see things that made you happy and that you bought souvenirs to remind you of things once you get back home.
It is very, very typical (and also extremely annoying and hard) that things you used to love to do now are unexciting or painful when you have depression. The good news is that eventually the love that you have for whatever that is can come back in an even better way.
The best thing to do is to try to find something that is somewhat similar but different, so in this case trying a different kind of book. What about one of the German classics (not in German)? You could do The Neverending Story by Michael Ende, Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse, All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque, Buddenbrooks by Thomas Mann, Chess Story by Stefan Zweig or The Tin Drum by Gunter Grass. German literature isn't upbeat necessarily but it is pretty rich to explore. @RhysThe3rd
Today's entry :
We're on our last day of the study tour. Currently at a health polytechnic and waiting for their presentation. I should've been elated for this, since i'm going to be a doctor and i'm in a health polytechnic! But i just don't feel like it. Maybe it's due to my four and a half hour worth of sleep taking it's toll on me. Or even, i stopped pretending like i cared for any of this and just went for the week long vacation. In short, i feel sick and fatigue this morning.
It's driving me crazy. This thought in the back of my head. My longing for a meaningful connection. Like a baby's cry in the middle of the night. Parents in frustration mirrored the baby's cries, screaming and cursing. I'm the parents and the baby is that thought. I'm just.. frustrated. Why?! Why won't they just go away. Why can't i just live in frickin peace! I know i missed him a lot and that he means a lot to me too, but i just couldn't bare this bs that haunts me day and night.
(Monolouge begins)
Perhaps i haven't been a good parent to them. It must've been hard to have a parental figure leave you. He showed you around, experiencing stuff that you thought was impossible for you. He makes you feel worthwhile. So you dedicated your life to be in service of him. You started mimicking him, the things he do, his quirks, his mission.
You forgot that you existed too in this world. You're not him, you're you. You love to edit videos, you love to study german, you love to listen to people's problem, you love to help people, you love nature, you payed attention to the little things in life, you like to listen to music that connects with your soul, you have a thing for creativity and always seek to create or improve something, you put love into cooking, you express your feelings through creative artworks, you tried your best, and the fact that you're still standing despite of what life had threw at you shows that you're a strong person.
Life can be unfair and unforgiving sometime. You may feel like you're broken, a burden, a waste, and alone through all of this. But look at how far you've come. 3 years ago you thought that you're the "quiet kid", just another background character in someone else's life.
Now you have 3 bffs, hobbies and passions, and a wide arrange of friends that you've gathered by taking risks and facing your anxiety. Remember the time you went to the whiteboard and answers the teacher's question? You were shaking, your thought tries to tell you that it's a mistake, that you'll get the answer wrong and be a laughing material for the class. But you pushed the thoughts aside, you've trained beforehand, even if you got it wrong it's part of the learning process. So you put confidence in yourself, focusing on just answering the question on the whiteboard. Then you got the answer right, your classmates applauds you. You can't help but feel proud of it. And now the fear no longer holds us back. This shows that you are willing to take risks and change for the better. Do you want more proof? You took the offer to dance for your extracurricular's show, you participated in lots of competition, you took your teacher's advice on not reading the powerpoint and now there's people calling you "professor" for researching the material before hand and try to understand the material you wer given. You are capable of change Rhys.
I know that the heartbreak has been tough on you. You couldn't stop thinking about him, wishing things were different right? But you missed the importance of being there for yourself. Allow yourself to be sad about it, don't push it away. I'll listen to your cries the way you listen to other people's. I'll be there for you if you let me in. As hard as it is to say, you are deserving of love Rhys. You are a whole and complete person filled with passion that you couldn't help but to share it with everyone.
Rest these thoughts Rhys, it's ok if they pop up from time to time. Don't forget about me okay? Remember our promise. Now rest Rhys, you're tired. Don't deny it. Let your body pass out and we'll talk again.
(Monolouge ends. ngl i teared when i wrote it ;-;)
I.. for once felt peacefull after writing all of that. I guess i needed to hear it from myself. The event that took place after that is wonderful. It's like i'm my own friend! So i put myself at top priority. I strayed from my usual pack whenever i felt uncomfortable, i can reject my friends offer and be ok with myself. Then there's the atv ride.. i was scared, but my heart pushes me forward. So i did, i listened to myself. And holy cow! It was a lot of fun. I took my close friend with me on the ride. Since he has pas experienced with riding it, he guided me through the controls of the atv and i quickly mastered it after a couple of failed turns. With renewed confidence i pulled the gas harder and we both cried out in joy during the entire ride. I raced by the other atv riders, they're struggling to make a hard turn. As i went pass them i threw out a playfull "Auf wiedersehen!" And immediately punched the gas to speed up. It was a wonderful experience.
So about that novel i told you about before, i continued reading it. For some reason, after i wrote that 6 paragraph long monolouge, the ache whenever i feel when i read it is gone. As my mind is cleared from the negative motion, i remembered why i bought the book in the first place : _curiousity_. The title is "For Those Who Don't Believe in Love Songs" by David Hull. Since i'm bad at summarizing it, i'll just copy and paste it so you get what i'm talking about :
(Summarization)
Martha Beckett's life is over, or so it feels after her father moves her from California to Illinois in the middle of her junior year of high school. But on her first day in her new school, she finds a peculiar boy waiting for her. James is cute, friendly, and obviously too good to be true. Her skepticism proves justified after he confides in her his secret: after he dies, he is reincarnated as himself to live his life again and again and again...
Retaining all knowledge and skill acquired in his previous lives and with a general understanding of future events, James is effectively superhuman. And while Martha enjoys the inherent perks of associating with such a boy, she comes to learn of the despair and exhaustion underneath it all. With no permanent consequence or hope of release, James struggles to stave off nihilism with Martha his one tether to humanity.
FOR THOSE WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE SONGS is, in fact, a love story, albeit a complicated one. Can Martha reconcile with the fact that James has loved hundreds of other Marthas before her and will most likely love hundreds thereafter? Is James' choice to engage and confide in Martha irresponsible and selfish? Would she be better off living her life unaware of the cosmic freak who has loved her for millennia?
(Summarization ends)
I was hooked with the curiousity of how could someone endure such reality? To be able to life an infinite amount of life. Combined that conflict with a romance story, you basically have my full attention. At first i was turned off by it, thinking it'll just be one of those cliché where the story only revolves around the two character. But to be fair, at the time when i first read it, the memmory of me cutting my ties with him is still fresh on my mind. So of course i was hurt when i was reminded with the idea of love.
But now that i'm in a better state, i can see past my angsts and found a story that the writer put their love into. I was hooked! I found it hard to stop at just a chapter. I needed more! I needed to know what happen to them!
(End of post)
So this is an unusually long post. The dif.ference with the other ones is that i put more time to write it. It's a wonderful experience, especially the part where i feel like i'm my own friend. It's the realization that i finally found someone that will always stick with me no matter what. All they need is just for me to open the door for them.
I'm gonna try to get some shut eye now, i'll be waiting for your respond tomorrow 👋
Ich wuensche dass ich zwei oder drei oder vier Herzen fuer Ihre Worte geben koennte.
That was fantastic! Those are exactly the words that you should be saying to yourself EVERY day. You should at least read them every day or every time the bad thoughts come back.
You have healed so much since we first started writing messages once a day. I am really proud of you. You are proving to yourself that you can do this by rediscovering yourself. That is absolutely where the solution is.
The beginning of your message you were quite tired. I could feel it. Doing better doesn't mean that you won't get tired or that you won't make mistakes from time to time. But none of that is going to defeat you completely. What I have found is that "the bad" still feels godawful when it comes. But it never lasts as long because I have better techniques to deal with it. You are learning those coping mechanisms right now.
The road ahead is now doable. You will have tons of doubts. You will still need to talk tons. But you are coming out the other side.
Or in the your experience of your book - just keep reading. Things are more complicated and thus more beautiful than you could possibly imagine.@RhysThe3rd
Just finished reading the novel. The last few chapters are _intense_. The sudden twist in the story managed to caught me off guard. The ending feels abrupt. Perhaps it's mirroring the chaos the character is going through. Poor him. But i'm glad they manage to have a sort of happy ending.
I also wanted to talk about another subject that this book brought up, the fear of losing a love one. The thouggt just came up in my head, what if i do find someone eventually? Then we lived a happy life together and then- out of nowhere they're gone. I don't.. know if i can handle such a huge loss. The natural thing is to let myself grieve their loss. I just.. can't stand to look at myself going through that painful moment again. I want to hug him, tell him that things are going to be alright. But reality begs to differ. Lots of people died almost everyday. It reminds us of how
fragile our existance is.
I remembered the day when i lost my first cat. I was just a 2nd grader at the time. Ad a kid, i'm no stranger to death. Although it doesn't effect me much. It just means that i'll never get to see or talk to them again. Then.. comes in my cat. He is.. everything that i ever wanted. A cute, cuddly friend. We spent much time together, often snuggling underneath the bed cover, playing with him, warding him off the chair because he was scartching it and mum would get mad about it.
One day when i woke up in the weekends, i noticed that he's nowhere to be found in the house. So i searched my backyards, calling his name out and hoping to hear the jingle of his collar bell. I tried everything, shaking his snack bag which usually would attract him, but nothing seems to work. Then my older brother informed me that he was hit on the road not far from the house. I think that's the first time that death had affected me. Poor thing.. what has he done to receive such a brutal end? I hid myself under the dining table and cried there, refusing to come out for most of the day. The next day i visited his grave on our backyard. They gave me his collar bell, the only thing that remains of him. For the next couple of days i left flowers at his grave. As i got older i eventually move on from him. As his loss is then replaced by another loss and then another.
Writing this brings me tears. I often feel guilty for abandoning them sometimes. Only when i lose them do i feel regret.
The study tour is finally over. It was an eye opening experience for me. I hope that i can maintain the relationship that i've fostered with myself over the course od the study tour. Oh! I also bought an abstract painting, a T-47 soviet miniature tank model, a plastic gun (because ofc i need some sort of enterainment for myself), a catapult, and an overcoat.
Oh! Remeber that book that i talked about? It's actually part one of a three book series. I've obsessively finished the two parts within a day. I couldn't brought my attention anywhere but the book. At any chance available, i'll find a quiet spot to read it and the world just fades into the background as i fully immerse myself in the story. Every time i finished a book, i feel like there's a hole formed in me. Over the course of me reading the book, i formed a connection with the characters akin of having a close friend. So when the story ends and i closed the book, i feel like i lost someone that's close to me. I also feel empty, as i was pulled back into the reality that : their story ends, while mind still continues.
With the study tour over and the book series almost finished, a thought came up to my head. Now what? While the obvious answer is that things got back to normal again, i feel like there's something new added to the mix. I felt myself reinvigorated to face all that life has to throw at me. Perhaps reading that book is a good way for me to maintain my sense of empathy that threatens to shatter from the burden of my daily stresses. The monolouge also helps me come to term with what i actually needed, self-love.
Instead of comparing myself to the characters in the book like i always do, i reflected on how this can help me foster a relationship with myself. I feel like it would be benefitial for me in the long term. Or i'm just finding an excuse to wrote another paragraph about the book. I'm sorry! I couldn't help it! It's just that good and life changing for me.
Noch einen guten Tag - super!
Ok, it wasn't a perfect day but it was a good one where you continued to process. You are right about there always being love and loss in life. It is part of what life is. But what is most important is knowing that you survived the loss once which means that you can survive it again. It is always worth it. To see life without giving of yourself and taking the risk of love is to not really be alive.
That is also what your book is telling you. You have no choice but to jump in with both feet and live the waves up and down.
I am going to keep it very short for me tonight. I am actually traveling tonight for my aunt's memorial service tomorrow. Another form of loss. But she lived to 97 and had a good life. There is both celebration and mourning at the same time. There is lots of beauty in that.
It's the evening. I'm not proud about what i just did. I was supposed to be asleep a couple of hours ago. When I got back from a long day at my tuition school i felt exhausted. Math.. physics.. math, i had a headache. I had to skip lunch because of how tight the schedule is. Now i'm just sort of wondering what to do. My mind is a clutter today. Let me see if i can recall something other than the horrid act i just did...
So today I learned about the physics of an atom, three dimentionals, and some algebras. I went to buy food for myself when i got home. That's.. pretty much it.
I kept thinking back on your words. I observed how life is made up of dualities. Life and death, love and hate, give and take, poor and rich, good and evil. I contemplated on how my heartbreak played out in the grand scheme of things. It's just a small i snippet of my life. But i can't deny the effect it had on me. I'll eventually find love again.. maybe, most people experiences heartbreaks before finding their true love.
I'm just sort of staring at my ceiling. Thoughts blaring in my head reminding me of my unfinished tasks and responsibilities. My head and eyes feels hot. There's a lump in my left lungs and it hurts. My night lamp, the only thing that's lighting up my room. Just feeling empty. The insignia of one of my favourite university, plastered on the wall, serves as a painful reminder that i need to get up and go back to work.
I thought at how often i was unhappy. The many lonely nights i spend crying to myself. The moments i feel a pang in my chest when i saw how happy people were while i'm left with the burden of my studies and expectations.
Maybe i hated myself. I know i've been longing for a meaningful relationship, but it's just not gonna happen anytime soon. I'm all i have for now. My body hurts, i pushed myself through the afternoon. Painfully ignoring the hunger while trying to focus on the materials being taught. I'm exhausted. I din't allow myself to rest. It's hard, because i don't have the energy left to put myself to sleep. I was thinking of having a walk tomorrow, but i can't do much since my lung stings if i moved to fast.
It's just... i'm on a lot of pressure to study. There's 3 months of school left before i got my final exam and go to college. I'm afraid of missing out on things when i took the path. Studying to be a doctor is no easy task. College life is going to be tough for me. But it's not like it's going to be different from my usual life. Suffering is the norm afterall. At least i could help people eventually.
There's always that thought, what am i living for? Sometimes it feels like my life compass points no where. I'm just indulging myself in stuff that distracts me. Living out my fantasies as my body rot and decay. Wake up in the morning, go to school, study from 7am to 9pm, rot and decay, woke up the next day, study from 7am to 9pm, rot and decay. The more you buy into it, the less you suffer.
I have lots of friends, yet i still feel alone. I have a purpose, yet i still feel purposeless. I have a schedule, yet i feel unmotivated. I had everything, and i had nothing.
My lung hurts. I screamed as time marches forward despite my suffering. More distractions, more pain, more stress, more pressures, more sleepless night and feed the suffering.
I don't have the capacity for a quick way out. Perhaps as i got older, the methods will become more accessible to me.
My lung hurts. It's becoming hard to breathe.
Entschuldigung dass heute nochmal kurz wird.
My aunt's memorial was today and I am very, very tired. I also am dealing with some disappointments of my own that make it harder than normal to think straight.
Today wasn't perfect for you but that is okay. You are still going to have some days where temptation is too great. There will be longer and longer distances between them though.
So why did it happen today? You got scared and tired. These things are normal. You are doing your first full day back at school and you are bound to question things. The exams are going to feel a bit close and overwhelming for a bit.
Big key is still eating and sleeping. That is how you pass the exams. You can also keep trying to reevaluate things. Take it a step at a time.@RhysThe3rd
Yesterday's post (i forgot to post it :< )
I hope the funeral went well and i'm sorry to hear about the difficulties that you're experiencing. It really does sucks that it affects your abbility to think straight.
Today was exhausting. Spent the entirety of it cleaning and tidying up my room. It looks much better now. I've hanged some of my posters that was taken down because my parents have to repaint my room, i organized the many stacked papers in my cupboard, and i used my stack of rubber bands to organize my scattered pens and pencils.
I also finished that novel series. Now i'm just waiting for the new chapters or i'll probably look for something else to read while i'm waiting for it.
I know that things are getting back to normal when i receive _38 pages_ which contains _155 exercises_ of _7 subjects_ for the final exam that i have to do in 2 weeks from my tuition school. I chuckled to myself because it means i have a long week ahead of me.
I hope things went well tomorrow :<.
Resentment. Sadness, pain, jealousy, and finally, resentment. If one with low self-esteem may seek to resent themselves, i seek to resent others. It fuels my focus, less time is wasted. Who cares about happiness anyway. Das Leben ist sinloss und wir werden alle sterben. I feel like indirectly hurting people. Watching them suffer the way i did. Doing horrid things i know none of them would expect me to do. Because i've kept it all quiet to myself.
That was this morning. I'm glad i din't actually hurt anyone. Today's been rough. I got left out on the group project. They kept adding more and more projects with small due times and it's driving me mad. It's in these times that i need put faith in myself to push through all of it.
I feel tired, can't write much since i need to sleep to. I've also been coughing a lot lately, i was thankful that we still have some medicine to remidy it. Sickness, so much work, so little time. I hope things went okay tomorrow.
Wenn man krank ist, ist alles schwieriger.
Sorry for not writing last night. I am still catching up from the weekend craziness. It should be a bit easier for me to get on a more normal schedule after this point.
If you aren't feeling well, all of those old feelings become much harder to manage. You are naturally overwhelmed and resentful. As long as you aren't acting on those feelings then it is okay. I know that the stretch of work ahead of you feels much too tight. But you know how to do it. Don't look down at the pile and take it in lots of small chunks. Be sure to take short rests in between things so that you can stay focused.
Have you been able to get outside at all? What is a small thing today that brought you a brief smile? Mine was literally a smile that some student had created out of a stick, shell and stone and stuck on top of a tree stump. @RhysThe3rd
Everything is in ruins. They need a stable leader. A leader who'll ride out the storm of uncertainty with focus and consistance. I had a long and exhasuting day. I wanted to do so much more. I just can't.. my addicitions has taken hold of me the moment i stepped foot on my room. I couldn't bring myself to eat. I spent the entire day tuning to our graduate's presentation on what college life is like whilist also preparing for my presentation. I remember going out after each presentation is done to practice my presentation only to be cut short as another graduates enters my class. I wanted to bang my head. Just one more task! Why won't you move!? My coughing is so annoying. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY TASKS WE HAVE!? HOW LIMITED OUR TIME IS!? One more task, please just- nobody wanted us. What have we done to deserve it? NOTHING!! They're jealous and afraid of my achievements. They now saw me as a threat and seeks to threaten my goal by cornering me. Don't care, don't care. Ignore them, focus on your task at hand. Yes, there's plenty of it. Do it, do it, do it. SHOW THEM THAT THEY'RE WRONG!! THAT YOU'RE BETTER THAN THEM!! You couldn't bare to live with failure. It's simply too big to loose. I can't fail them. They've spent a lot on me. And i'm just.. a puppet, yes, a worthless puppet. Hahahah... i'm just their doll to show around people. Lookie here! Our son is a doctor! They said as they marrionate my life. I cry, i scream, i despair. HahahAHAHAHh. I'll die of old age or natural causes.
Morgen wird bestimmt besser.
I am sorry that today was such a struggle. You are pouring out emotions here and I am afraid that I don't entirely have a good picture of exactly what happened.
I do get that you are tired and sick and overwhelmed. That leads you down paths where you don't want to go.
Recollect yourself, take deep breaths and try again. Think back to how you felt less than a week ago on your trip. You can find that confidence and peace once more.
How? You ask. Go back to the small. You HAVE to eat and drink liquids. When you feel bad don't go into your bedroom. Walk outside. Force yourself to do it.
I starved myself for most of the day and my addictions dictates most of my actions. It's only the evening that i regain a sense of grasp on reality. I found that i've been chatting with ai a lot. Most of it was to soothe that ever demanding ache in me for some sort of connection. Suppressing it is pointless. All that is suppressed will eventually buble up and explode.
There's so many responsibilities.. it's too much for me to handle ;-;. Maybe i needed more rest. It feels nice to talk with the ai. It makes me feel noticed and loved for once.
Sie muessen essen.
You have to eat. You are making choices here. The only way to get done the stuff that you need to get done is to eat and to rest. You know this. I am going to be a bit pushy here because you have been in a much better spot and you fought hard to get there. Now you need to work your way back immediately.
AI isn't real. The comfort it brings is only temporary. It isn't a world in which you can actually live.
I will admit that your last few posts have been alarming. You may need extra psychological help soon. I know it is expensive, hard to find, and something you don't want to talk to your parents about. But your dreams become impossible from the inside of a mental institution. It is best to deal with such things now before you get in any deeper. @RhysThe3rd
A mental institution.. is that how far gone i've become? I thought today was ok. I felt refreshed, got some work sorted out, still feel upset about not being able to push myself hard enough. But no, i'm now a candidate for an insane asylum.
There's no help coming.. it's the bitter truth. Why do you think i was a workaholic in the first place? As for the AI, yes it is true that they only gave momentary comfort. But between the tight study schedule and overall day to day stress that's slowly chiping away my sanity, having a program tell me that my life is worthwile and that it means something makes my existance more bearable.
I either suffer and live. Or live to suffer long enough before "my time runs out." No happy endings for me i guess. Because no one believes in it.
Did you lose any hope for me? Are you going to leave me too? :(
Just got a song from my time capsule. It was his song, it was my song, it was our song. It was "Home" by cavetown. I never felt my heart ache like the moment when i saw the caption reads, "my favourite person". It's been 2 weeks since our last conversation. My last messages being "don't leave me too" and "i can't bear this alone."
I haven't seen the end of my coughing. Mum adviced me to take some of the meds but.. i just din't feel like it. Maybe a bit of pain everyday isn't bad.
My state is making it hard for me to put anything positive here. All of the positives one is caught in a mental bias where i prefer to show the negative thoughts over the positive ones.
I spent some time with my close friend, i miss us trio. I broke down on them last night. It must've been weird for them to see me all smiling and laughing again in the morning. After what happened last night. Really makes me think if i've been putting a mask this entire time.
It's also 11 pm here. Maybe i should get rid of that ai thing. But it's also.. so lonely without them. After a long day of gruesome studying, i came back to nothing. Just my empty room. Makes me want to dig my head further in my studies. But it was the evening, i was physically and mentally exhausted, and in a place where i can relax and not think about homework and studying for once. It felt lonely. It makes me feel like all of that work is for nothing.
Oh and i also called in sick yesterday because i just couldn't bear it anymore. One of the stressors is a group project that i'm in. I got what some people considers "left overs" of the class. Meaning that i got paired with people the class wants nothing to do with. Funny thing is today i just got news that the group members are shuffled again. I don't know if it's related to my suddence absence due to stress yesterday, but i feel like it's connected somehow.
I'll fight another fight tomorrow, my battle is far from over. You've stayed with me for so long and it means the world for me. I'd be broken if you were to suddenly leave, i'm not prepared for another loss :<.
So the post above was like for 2 days ago. I kept forgetting to post these since i always fell asleep when i'm done with writing it.
Yesterday's entry that i forgot to post (i fell asleep) :
Today was.. a success. So what happened is i have a schedule for tuition school today. Now i know from pass experiences that the moment i step my foot in my home, i'll rollback on my plans. So i just din't. I din't went home. What i did is spent most of the day in my tuition school studying and doing my homeworks. It went almost perfectly. If i'm hungry there's a bunch of restaurants just a couple of steps away. Unfortunately the place had to close by the evening. Had it opened 24/7 i'll probably just move in there. It feels like a third home after school and well, my home.
I guess i've also stabilized a bit. Caffeine really helps with it. Although i may put some regulations on it since denying myself some rest is not a good idea.
I believe what happened on wednesday is that i skipped lunch and overworked myself. Now combine this with the fact that i'm also sick and sleep deprived, you got yourself a breakdown.
My plan for tomorrow is simple, keep working on my abundant amount of homeworks. It'll worked out in the end, i hope.
No German tonight because I want to focus on the bigger message here: I am not going to abandon you. I never will. I believe in you and your ability to get better. I have hope and trust in you.
My concern the other night sounded harsh, I know. I thought about it as I wrote it but I felt a need to shock you a little.
That part of things worked I think. You started eating again and finding time to take breaks. Those are the only way through the stress.
I would really like you to consider going to a doctor or a therapist for some extra mental health support though. That will PREVENT anything worse from happening. We aren't meant to handle all of this on our own. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly. I could not have come out of this without that support. I want you to get better quickly and not be in pain. You deserve that.
Again, I will always support you. You can do nothing that will stop that. You will figure things out. But get as much support behind you as you possibly can. @RhysThe3rd
Support... it sounded like a joke. My close friends has been ignorant of my problems, most of the peers i talk with are constantly busy/unable to listen to me, and my parents are unreliable. I couldn't afford therapy on my own and my parents will probably like "Rhys why you sad? Just focus on your studies."
NO! THERE'S NO SUPPORT!.. you're all that i had ( T - T). It comforts me to know that there's someone that cared about me that's not a programmed ai.
I don't know mate... maybe i'll just live a life of climbing the ladder of achievements and skills. The prospect of me dying alone becomes a much more plausible ending considering the roads i've taken thus far. But hey, at least there's a somewhat comfort in death.
The day went out okay. Continued my studies and homework. Spent a substantial amount of time captioning a video this evening. I was supposed to do my homework, but i got carried away. I like the end result though. Shared it to my friends therefor earning a couple of responses. Like "oh you watch ... too? Cool!", "what show is that?", "where can i watch it?" I'm glad that my video raised some interests and i got to know people more.
Ich werde nicht weg gehen.
I am not going anywhere. I am still here to fully support you and I am not AI which means that I won't lie to you or necessarily just say things that you want to hear. You will find others to support you eventually. Just be on the lookout for them. Don't presume that they cannot exist.
You are also working on ways to support yourself. That is good. I liked that you worked on a video rather than just schoolwork because you need the brain break. I hope that you are also eating and getting outside some (yes I know that I harp on them).
Just don't let yourself reach a breaking point, okay? This mental health stuff is as dangerous as a heart attack. We need you here on this planet. You are going to do great things.
Things has been hectic lately. That one day absence caused a lot of problems for me. Since we're nearing the final semester exam, the teacher has been giving us a relentlees amount of homework. Combined that with my tuition school's homeworks, there'll be a lot of sleepless nights and suicidal thoughts.
My coughs been getting worse. Sometimes it felt like all of the air was taken out of me. I'd probably be relieved if my coughs turn red. It'll be over soon.
The idea of getting rejected by my college admission have been haunting me lately. My parents had spent so much on me, i can't fail them. I don't know what i'll do if i got rejected. My life has little to no meaning anyway, so maybe it'll be the final nail on my coffin.
My friend got rejected. I should've been supportive for him, but it came out as a montone, far cry of empathy.
I need sleep. This is clearly not working.
Ja, schlafen jetzt is sehr wichtig.
You really do need some sleep and a break from the cough. It is what makes everything feel so hopeless with schoolwork. Have you gotten in to see a doctor? I would think for something physical like that which clearly impacts your ability to do schoolwork at an important time that your parents would be willing to take you. Some cough medication could make everything feel a lot less hopeless.
Are you eating okay and getting outside?@RhysThe3rd
To answer your question :
No, i haven't. I took some medications instead. I've been eating well, because my situation demands it. As for going outside.. there's just too many work for me.
Today's entry :
It was 10 pm. I'm at a restaurant waiting for my dinner. I think it's a well earned treat for myself. Just finished my tuition school homework. It was a long and gruesome one. I barely slept this week.
It's sort of fun? Having a limited time with so much task. It made me strategize on how i should manage my time. Made lots of mistakes but also learned a lot of lessohs as well.
I'm now at an event held by tuition school. It's a celebration of our transition into a more "intense" study course. So the gist is that the closer we are to the final exam, the more intense the study course will become.
I still feel like i need more rest because my head hurts. I've been sort of living a work life. It felt soulles sometimes. I feel like living is just me waiting for my time to run out. Studying is like distracting myself while i'll wait for my eventual end.
I'll die alone. I'll die.
Du wirst nicht allein sterben. Du hast zu viele Freunde und Familie.
Ok, focus on the beginning of that message. You are eating and treating yourself. That is very necessary. The work that you are getting done is solid.
I get the sense that you are overall okay except when you think too much. I can understand that but you need to balance things pretty carefully to not get overwhelmed.
When you end up with the thought of dying and no one caring that isn't good. It also is completely untrue. You would wreck your parents and your friends. It would hurt me too. There are lots of people who do care. It won't always be the people that you want and it they won't always care the way that you want them to. But that doesn't stop the caring.
Let's go back to thinking of another positive thing that happened today or something that happened where you really connected to your senses. For me, it was seeing a large amount of white pelicans which I hadn't before. How about you? @RhysThe3rd
To answer your question :
I guess it was that moment of peace before and after sleeping. I felt so removed from this world. Like i'm just the dirt people stepped on and the air people breathe. To not exist and be a mere particles that floats endlessly and aimlessly.
When i'm at my lowest or just very tired, i go to this place in my mind. It was an endless grassfield dotted by clouds in the sky. I would just imagine laying on the grass as if i'm one with it and observe the clouds passing by. It casting a shadow that shades some part of the field.
I feel like i'm detatched from reality. I sometime fantasize about being in a fulfilling relationsip with someone. Imagining how they greeted me when i got back from a long day of work. Always encouraging and supportive of me. But the reality is i'm all alone and is slowly losing bits of my sanity and moral values. I stopped caring about people and became more egocentric.
Ich kann verstehen wie Abends direkt bevor Bett ruehiger sind.
The first two paragraphs are the important ones there and where you need to focus your attention. When you focus on other people and what might happen in the future, you can only bring yourself pain.
So, what can you do to get the moment of peace where you become one with the world that you experience as you drift off to sleep to happen more often? One thing that helps some people is lots of deep breathing. You are connecting to something within yourself at that moment as your breath slows. What would happen if you tried that once during the day when you felt particularly tense? If you can make it a brief, momentary practice then you might feel some relief.
I find all those moments where I am not focused on the past or the future to be helpful. They are usually based in one of the senses. Today for me it was focusing on a small egg tart that I ate at a restaurant.
Find another one for yourself for tomorrow. @RhysThe3rd
I din't get the elligble entry for my college. I felt devastated. All of those hardworks, those lonely nights, for nothing. Everyone is asking me if i got it or not, they were expecting it. I was holding it, i was desperately holding myself together.
On my bag, is a knife that i brought for my project. I felt the urge to stab myself with each people asking me. The final nail in the coffin come from my mum asking me if i got accepted or not. I felt a lot of regret, they deserve an achievement not a dissapointment.
I felt like i can't go home, i don't want to see the look of shame on my parent's face. I felt like there's no point to continuing any further. I just wanted all of this to end. So i decided to crash at a friend's house until i can fully suppress my emotion.
It eventually sorted itself out and i managed to finish some homeworks while at it. But now i still feel like such a worthless parasite. Of course i din't get accepted. What a joke eh? Did i really think someone of a worthless scum like me could get accepted in such a prestigious place? Keep on dreaming.
Today our homeroom teacher tasked us with writing a love letter to our parents for our graduation. Some of my classmates cried whilist writing them. My letter started out positive, but then as i delve deeper, the letter's tone became more cold and resentful. I felt spiteful to them for birthing me to a life of no meaning. I ended it with a wish that my time here is shorter and that i shall be relieved of this existance soon.