I dont know

I'm so lost right now, in my life, honestly, I was bullied, made fun of my weight, called stupid and was compared to my best friend and some really gross and disgusting  things were said to me. The beat me up, not too badly, worst they did, was hit my head on a table, caused some bleeding. a very minor scar and beat me, with whatever they could, I wasn't bleeding, but my whole body was just red. Honestly, with my parents, they cared, but my whole life was all just study. I cant lie I did get to hang out with my friends for 2 hours in the summer, and watch tv for an 1 hr a day. When I got my first laptop, I got yelled at so badly, because all I did was play video games, I became addicted, then I went to youtube shorts, then porn. Now I'm addicted to porn. I had friends, my life wasn't all bad, it was just get yelled at and get hit. I discovered an artist, named Kid cudi, I tried relating, and I realized how many issues I have and how it ruins my life and all those times, how I felt when I was getting beat and yelled at. I broke down. I felt dumb and stupid and felt like a fraud, way before that. I did deal with loneliness, being trapped in a cycle, and thinking of death. When I listened to kid cudi, I felt chosen, special finally. I also felt a lot of new thoughts, that I didn't know were, there I got a depression test. I did experience, these symptoms, mostly from addiction and the times, I felt weak, dumb and stupid, I broke down probably a million times. Sadly, I feel these things make me special, and I force myself to say these things to myself. I know they are true though. I honestly don't know if I'm depressed now, I think of my future, and I want it to be the worst, even though I don't want that. All I see is me going down a bad path. Sometimes, I think dying is the answer, somedays are unbearable, somedays, I just tell them to myself. Somedays, I feel like I cant get out of this cycle.