What can I do?

Hi guys, my name is Jeremey. I've had bipolar pretty clearly from a young age as well as an anxiety disorder coupled with "a.d.d". When I was older (13) I started using allot of drugs, hard drugs. And I didn't stop until I was 20 when I got into trouble and after some incarceration time decided I needed to go to rehab. While there, through allot of psychologist, therapist, and social working I was also diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder that the doctors said would be a permanent thing to deal with because if the damage I've done. I have worked very hard to bring myself up to where I have and through three times literally dying, being the victim of rape and numerous assaults which have left me permanently damaged as well, I have over come everything and become the good person I knew I was... Now that aside... I have chosen to opt out of taking medication and to be honest marijuana had been better than the depakote, lithium, trazadone, and everything I've ever been prescribed.. So I've done that and it's been really well for a while until recently... Now I've undertaken allot of stress recently and I've been having some pretty outstanding retard moments in the relationship in having but I've handled more than this.... Why is everything going crazy... The ups and downs from my bipolar, the shadows and ghosts and bugs and crawling sensations and the colors from the schizoeffective, the randomness of my thoughts. The solitude.