Not o-f@$&ing-k

I haven’t been doing well this week or last week for that matter.

For the longest time, I’ve been pretty much normal. Sometimes with a manic episode thrown in just for good measure.

I am majorly depressed now. Have been for about 10 days now.

I came to the realization that I know the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Basically, we are born, then we die, and then 200 years (or less) later nothing we did matters. We’re just here for a few and then “poof” we are gone. Out of thought, out of mind.

Yet everyone else is okay with this. Can be happy and lead a fulfilling life. But I’ve lead my life in such a way that I need to start over. Like in High School. Not for actual by-the-book lessons but for life lessons that I never learned when I was a kid.

I am broken and hurt and have probably hurt more people than helped. Not on purpose but because I’m an idiot. I’ve never been a good friend to anyone which is why I don’t have any friends. I mean, I don’t know how to be a good friend. That’s why I need to start over, which at this point is impossible. But like I said, even so, none of this will matter to anyone 200 years from now. No matter what I do, none of it will matter to anyone in the future. Yet the world goes on and everyone around me is happy.

For a long time I have felt like I am not from this planet. Well, maybe more like I am not human. I just don’t fit in anywhere. I don’t know how to relate to other people.

I just want to be put in a padded room somewhere so I can act out. Run into the walls, scream, yell, cry, etc. And then, in that same place, have someone teach me how to be human.

As for my depression, the only reason I haven’t admitted myself into the mental ward is because I haven’t picked up the knife yet.

I feel hopeless and that this world (life) is meaningless. I’m beyond help it seems like.