Bipolar Depression- do I deserve this?

I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar (not sure which one) like 3 years or so ago. I don’t have “rage” sometimes associated with bpd. Mines is strictly SUPER DEPRESSIVE or feeling good (mania?). I’ve also been diagnosed with depression and anxiety since 13 I am now 23. I have a job (that is very flexible) and I still live at home with my mom (just me and her and it gets emotionally draining ALOT).

backstory: I got out of a toxic(emotionally) 2+ yr relationship that ended up me going on a grippy sock vacay- psych ward (only weekend stay) Easter of 2021 we separated. I was basically depressed for a month or so on and off. Then got super high on life basically and felt on top of the world confident. Then someone came into my life unexpectedly. We were great. We are currently still together (we make a year in a few weeks). But I feel like I’m self sabotaging the relationship due to my mental health falling. Agian.

My “vacay” was traumatizing for me and I will never feel “safe” going that route for help agian and I think it has caused some ptsd. With that being said. I know I need help. I go see a private therapist. And stopped before I got with my current boyfriend taking medicine (i never felt like any helped) and I also don’t feel like there is anything for me out there. I don’t feel safe going anywhere for help for worry of being “put away” (literally what it felt like in the hospital).

I want so much for my life. I want a family kids career travel pets. But I also don’t see that for myself anymore. I want it but I don’t see it happening due to not knowing if I’ll actually live to fulfill that want.

i don’t know who I am. I never felt like I knew who I was. I love unconditionally and try my best to help anyone and everyone. But no one reaches out to me. I give up the hobbies I think I like at the time so quickly. I’m a huge empath. I feel everything others are feeling and I also feel like I take upon the person I’m in a relationship withs hobbies or at least I try to like things they like etc. music for example. I never listened to the type of music he listens to before him and now I do. Like even when he’s not around. If someone asks me who I am. I just say I try to be a nice person that people like.

I know this is INSANELY long. But there is just so much on my mind and I don’t know who what why or how I am here on this earth dealing with this.