rant ig? basically just my situation rn

hmm i'm not sure how this website works so imma just go for it (if i should post this somewhere else pls let me know)

i've suffered from social anxiety from a very young age (im a high schooler now), at one point i just went mute for a while cuz it got so bad. i also have a lot of difficulty being vulnerable or even comfortable around people, so it takes a lot for me to trust someone.

idk im the kind of person to be skeptical about ppls intentions to the point where i assume the worst in every situation, and that's just gotten worse over the past year (doesn't help that i know i need to see a therapist or smth, but im deathly afraid of talking to one due to my stupid irrational fear of talking/being judged and my mom threatening to take me to see a therapist as a punishment when i was a child)

like i try to be rational and levelheaded but that's rly not working out for me anymore, and i feel like even if i had the courage to talk to my friends about how im feeling, they wouldn't want to listen since im always the one they go to for advice and support and stuff. i don't even want like sappy emotional support, it might help for some, but i just want people to listen and understand me and then maybe give me some genuine advice. doesn't seem like they're rly ever there for me like i am for them.

(if they're even rly my friends, i feel uncomfortable and excluded talking to them... they even made a second group chat without me (cant rly blame them tho im inactive most of the time))

i tried to clear some stuff up with my ex a couple days ago since we're still friendly but i left feeling even worse than i already did cuz she wouldn't acknowledge or apologize for the stuff that she did wrong (i think) and she really only halfheartedly accepted my apology. i don't think she understands that it wasn't all my fault (i don't even think i understand that). the whole time it was just her being unsatisfied with my explanations, and i didnt get a single apology from her, just countless excuses for her behavior and her shoving the blame for everything on me. we broke up because i couldn't handle being in the relationship anymore. she pretty much idolized me and judged everything i said to the point where i was anxious i would say something wrong when i was talking to her and anxious that she would think i was ignoring her and get mad when i wasn't taking to her. i do admit i should've told her earlier about my concerns instead of dragging it on to the point where i was about to break though.

i just kinda want to be selfish for once.. is this rly wrong? like im selfish in my brain but im too scared to follow through with some of my actions. i would if i could but im just terrified of what people think about me. im afraid of failing the people around me to the point where im not ever satisfied with myself anymore, and im so lonely even though it's kinda my fault for shutting ppl out.

if anyone has advice on how i could start trying to get better or if anyone else is going through smth similar, please let me know.

(sry abt the bad grammar :p)