Sheer terror

I had a panic attack once. It was pretty scary at first. I was high, and drinking and thought that I was having an adverse reaction to my anxiety medication, even though I'd only had beer. I felt like I was going to faint - in fact, I did collapse on the bathroom floor of the restaurant we were in. My boyfriend sat me down when I came out and got me some water. I started to feel better once I'd worked out i was having one of those panic attacks I'd read so much about.

It was a bad experience, but once it was over, it was over. My anxiety actually went away for a couple of weeks thereafter. It was like if gotten some kind of release.

As bad as it was, it was one of my better days.

My panic attack felt like something bad was happening to me. It felt like I needed a doctor. Like the only way I could feel better was to seek medical attention. The day to day anxiety I feel isn't so simple. If a panic attack is akin to being chased by a murderer, the anxiety I feel is more like staring at the face of Cthulu. It's a cold, deep, existential terror I feel deep within my bones. There is no way out, as the monster lives inside me. It's not triggered by any certain thing, place, or circumstance. It's triggered by fear itself.

It's a difficult, difficult thing to combat - a culmination of years of undiagnosed anxiety. But I am slowly learning how to beat it.