social anxiety and relationships sucks
I have always been nervous when it comes to friendships and relationships. Mostly I'm extremely terrified of confrontation and disagreement so I tend to make really irrational decisions. I'm dating someone new and its going really well so far. But i'm so scared i'm going to ruin it with my stupid anxiety brain.
Example time: I had a weird anxiety thing yesterday when I went over to see him and I feel awkward and guilty about it. I had already had a day with a lot of things that kind of made me anxious, which probably didn't help. Essentially we were going to get together but he felt under the weather, I showed up and didn't realize it. He said I could stay and he wanted me to be there but he wouldn't be as exciting, fun, etc. I said I didn't mind. But the more he brought it up the more it felt like he would be upset if I stayed or he needed space, so he gave me space to make a decision and I left even though I wanted to stay because I didn't want him to be upset with me or think i'm intruding. Then in talking to him he was like "i wanted you to stay but i respect your decision anyway" and I was like well shit, I really wanted to stay, but I got so nervous that you would hate me if I stayed that I left?? We live nearby so i came back, and he said he felt bad because he didn't want me to feel pressured into coming over, but he didn't pressure me at all? I just way overthought the decision I wanted to make initially. and made the wrong one. which I do, a lot. I told him this and it was fine, he seemed like he understood, but I know I made it really weird.
it makes zero sense, like why not go with my gut and make the choice i want to make? Especially when it really doesn't matter? but my brain makes zero sense when it comes to social situations and I always overanalyze what the other person s thinking . I'm super, super afraid of making decisions that are going to upset people, especially people I really like being around, so I make really irrational choices sometimes. I'm so worried I'm going to keep doing stupid shit like this and fuck this up. I always have a million things i want to say and do with him, but i'm so afraid of saying something dumb that i just clam up even though i rationally know (and he's literally told me) he won't judge me. I don't want to make him nervous or think that something is wrong or that he's hurt me in some way because of my anxiety preventing me from talking and acting like my normal self around him. He knows I struggle with this and I try to communicate it and he is very kind and patient but I don't want to keep feeling this way,
If anyone has tips on how to feel less anxious about making wrong choices, or offending partners, or scaring them, these sorts of things I worry about in relationships, please let me know. I know it probably only comes with practice and with good partners, but things to help in the short term would be nice. I need to regain some confidence and feel like I can be assertive and make choices without being "bad" somehow.
