social anxiety and relationships sucks
I have always been nervous when it comes to friendships and relationships. Mostly I'm extremely terrified of confrontation and disagreement so I tend to make really irrational decisions. I'm dating someone new and its going really well so far. But i'm so scared i'm going to ruin it with my stupid anxiety brain.
Example time: I had a weird anxiety thing yesterday when I went over to see him and I feel awkward and guilty about it. I had already had a day with a lot of things that kind of made me anxious, which probably didn't help. Essentially we were going to get together but he felt under the weather, I showed up and didn't realize it. He said I could stay and he wanted me to be there but he wouldn't be as exciting, fun, etc. I said I didn't mind. But the more he brought it up the more it felt like he would be upset if I stayed or he needed space, so he gave me space to make a decision and I left even though I wanted to stay because I didn't want him to be upset with me or think i'm intruding. Then in talking to him he was like "i wanted you to stay but i respect your decision anyway" and I was like well shit, I really wanted to stay, but I got so nervous that you would hate me if I stayed that I left?? We live nearby so i came back, and he said he felt bad because he didn't want me to feel pressured into coming over, but he didn't pressure me at all? I just way overthought the decision I wanted to make initially. and made the wrong one. which I do, a lot. I told him this and it was fine, he seemed like he understood, but I know I made it really weird.
it makes zero sense, like why not go with my gut and make the choice i want to make? Especially when it really doesn't matter? but my brain makes zero sense when it comes to social situations and I always overanalyze what the other person s thinking . I'm super, super afraid of making decisions that are going to upset people, especially people I really like being around, so I make really irrational choices sometimes. I'm so worried I'm going to keep doing stupid shit like this and fuck this up. I always have a million things i want to say and do with him, but i'm so afraid of saying something dumb that i just clam up even though i rationally know (and he's literally told me) he won't judge me. I don't want to make him nervous or think that something is wrong or that he's hurt me in some way because of my anxiety preventing me from talking and acting like my normal self around him. He knows I struggle with this and I try to communicate it and he is very kind and patient but I don't want to keep feeling this way,
If anyone has tips on how to feel less anxious about making wrong choices, or offending partners, or scaring them, these sorts of things I worry about in relationships, please let me know. I know it probably only comes with practice and with good partners, but things to help in the short term would be nice. I need to regain some confidence and feel like I can be assertive and make choices without being "bad" somehow.
@casiopea3199
Hello casiopea, I have experienced something similar, when it comes to constant anxious thoughts or overthinking in relationships, despite knowing that it isn’t so bad as it really is, or despite reassurances. I see that you really want to be in the relationship, and it’s amazing to see that you want to try your best to change things for the better 😊
It’s also amazing that your partner cares about you so much, and that the both of you have communicated about these thoughts and feelings, but perhaps you’d have to address the root problem that’s causing your anxiety (regarding making wrong choices, offending partners, etc.).
As for suggestions, for me, cognitive restructuring has worked to some extent. You can check out what that means online, but of course, since your experiences are different from mine, it’s not a guaranteed solution, but you can try understanding what that is and practicing it. If it’s new to you, and it works, that would be great 💛
Also .... it’s been quite a while since you’ve posted this, I found your post really late, but I wanted to ask, how have you been doing casiopea ? I hope you are doing ok 🌻
@GloriaD
Thank you for reaching out. Overall, things are good. I still feel insecure sometimes and I'm working on it. I've been talking to a therapist. I've mostly been working on restructuring guilty feelings, of being burdensome or undeserving, into gratitude feelings. I'm still working on it. It's not an easy thing for me when I've been feeling things like this since I was very very young.
My partner is so so wonderful. He's working with me through it. He's there when I'm scared or upset. He hasn't left yet. Again I get a lot of feelings of guilt and confusion because when I am upset I feel like I'm only making it worse. I am happy he is always there and always tells me he just loves me and it's okay and I don't need to feel burdensome and he'll be there for me, always, whenever I need him. He's the kindest person I've ever met.
So I'm still working on stuff, but things are good. All of the time (when I'm not anxious) I am very happy and feel safe and secure. I've gotten better at being vocal about my needs and things I want and he loves me even more for it. And he's gotten more comfortable with me with things too. So it's good :)
