Toxic Family: Are they toxic?
I'm confused between the difference btwn unhealthy family members and toxic family members. My dad gets angry very easily, always interrupt me and even my mother to get his point across. He gives me ultimatums and disowned me over email but keeps emailing me telling me he doesn't respect me and says i'm a disappointment. He says things like "don't you understand sarcasm" or "i don't care about how that made you feel, I care about the facts" to justify hurtful insulting things he tells me.
My mom tries to talk w me and understand where I'm coming from. She hardly gets anger outbursts and that really makes me feel safe with her even if I don't see eye to eye with her. I'm hopeful I can have a better relationship with my mom but i'm not sure with my dad. He says he can't even guarentee he will try to fix our relationship with me and puts the blame on me. I tried telling him how I feel is not a reflection on him and that I don't hate him, but then he mocks me and says "yeah right you're a liar". I feel like maybe he is a toxic family member but idk the diff btwn unhealthy vs toxic. Should I avoid my dad or try to reconcile w him later in life ever though he disowned me? What are toxic family member traits?
The main differences between unhealthy relationships and toxic ones is the frequency of bad behavior and an unwillingness to compromise.
We're all human and we all have bad behaviors, but most of us try to fix them once we learn about them, especially if asked by someone we care about.
A toxic relationship typically involves repeated unhealthy behaviors, such as the ones you described like belittlement and blame shifting, and a refusal to acknowledge any fault or make any change.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I have had to deal with a toxic mother for most of my life and it's rough, to put it mildly. I hope you're able to find a way to work through things with your dad, but if you can't, it's okay. We can't choose our parents, but we can choose (at least to an extent, depending on circumstances) how much they are in our lives. Good luck 💜
@WinterBlooms Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm sorry you had to go thru a similar sort with your mom. It makes sense to me to know the difference. I still hope for the best with my parents, it feels like I get rejected everytime I try to open up. And by the way my dad had treated me in the past, I'm scared he will continue to reject and belittle me bc he doesn't accept me and my personal feelings
@duate "disowning you" and harassing you over email is not OK. it's interesting that he won't accept that you try to distance your feelings from judging him...sounds like someone who is actually wounded and deeply insecure. once i saw a discussion on twitter of men of a certain generation (my father's age). it struck me because the traits they mentioned, and some of the traits you mention, are the same. i don't know how old your dad is, but emotional intelligence is a fairly new topic of societal discourse, and one that certainly wasn't trained decades ago. anyway, my dad is thankfully not as bad as what you describe, but certainly has had anger issues in the past and exhibited some of the same behaviors. i know how hard that was and can be...and it left its marks on me. i'm truly hoping he can see a better way...but it will have to be something internal in him, and not for you to fix
@pluckyBike2077 hi thank you for your reply! I've realized that over time my dad wouldn't budge. He will feel like he always has to be right and he will do or say whatever he feels to prove his point even if it damages the bond he could have rebuilt with his child. could you explain more about the tweet you saw and societal discourse? That sounds unfamiliar to me. My dad is in his early 50s but also could it be a cultural thing bc in asian families, there is often a paternal lead where it's like "my way only, the rest is wrong".