Sudden heartache from the past
During High School, which was 48 years ago, I did not do very well with girls. I was a bit chubby, and lacked self-confidence. This manifested itself in immature and made and making myself a bit of a nuisance. During that time I had crushes on three girls, and blew any chances for a relations ship with any of them due to my behavior.
By the end of those years I think I was on good terms with all of them, but I always lamented almost ten years after High School that I did not have better relationships with them, and some others. I found myself looking at yearbooks and imagining scenarios which were more favorable than the actual reality. Sometimes that was a more important person, or just more popular. But then I moved on with my life, raised children and have four grandchildren. I would think about those days now and then, but not very much, and not with any regrets.
Then one month ago something happened. One of those girls died. This alone would not have set me off. I have had a lot of classmates pass. But I found out she died way back in 1980, and this sent me into a tailspin emotionally. I find myself looking at her picture and the other girls in the yearbooks again, and feeling a lot of regret and sorrow because she died so young and never really had a chance at life.
I cannot seem to get rid of these feelings of sorrow and regrets. I have not seen her in 48 years, when she was just a 16 year old girl. It grieves me that she has actually been dead for 40 of them. Had she not died I probably would have never seen her again anyway as it does not actually affect my life or relationships in any way. I don
@TimD2678 You are a kind person to feel sorrow and regret for this girl that has passed away so young. You do not have to get rid of these feelings, since feelings are not wrong. There are reasons for our feelings from you feeling that she did not get a chance to life to perhaps the fact that there is also no possibility of meeting her anymore. Life is weird. Maybe you would not have met her even if she was alive, but still knowing she died so young has sent you into grief. And that's okay perhaps refect on these feelings, sit with them and let them be. Life is short and unfair at times, but there is also a lot of beauty in it. Remember the good things about her and how she has touched your life, and I am sure even in grief, you possibly could smile as well. And maybe you can't right now, and that's okay too. In time, I am sure you, I, and everyone who goes through hard times will be okay again. no rush:)
@luxx454
Thank you for the reply and the kind words. It was the news that she died 40 years ago that hit me like a sack of bricks. I found out on Facebook. Before that came along, I would always wonder what became of my comrades. We were all part of the theatre group. She was one of the few that I really wanted to know more about over the years, and maybe meet again. How she was doing, etc. All that time she was actually dead. I found a lot of our group on Facebook. Then one of them asked for a picture of her, and others responded referring to her in the past tense. So I thought, well, she must have passed now like the others, and took it like I did for them…sad, but part of life. So I asked when she died, and one of them said spring of 1980. That is what floored me and started this tailspin.
I understand grief. I had to bury one of my daughters. Its natural to grieve a long time over something like that. But she was a 16 year old girl the last time I saw her 48 years ago. A whole lifetime. I just dont know if it is good to be semi-preoccupied about it and looking at the pictures of her and my comrades.
@TimD2678 Thank you for sharing and opening up. It seems you wished to know her better especially after being in the same theater group, but it's shocking to you that she died so young in 1980. Perhaps you feel this grief is a little odd, as you understand grief from having to bury your daughter but now feel grief for an comrade that has passed away way earlier than your expectations. And you don't know if it's reasonable for you to keep looking at pictures from the past and grieve, but our feelings do not always make sense. For me, it helps to accept my feelings and not question why I feel the way I do whether in grief or heartbreak, but this works for me and not necesarily for you. Nonetheless, if you ever want to talk more about her or yourself, I am happy to listen because sometims in grief, it helps to have someone to talk to about it. Sidenote, but I find your way of writing to be beautiful
@luxx454 - Thank you for the compliment. I spent most of my career writing technical manuals and letters. So I have had a lot of practice communicating in writing.
It does help to talk to someone with an impartial point of view. You have helped me with your kindness and understanding. I think my biggest fear was that there was something so wrong in my life that I was regressing into the past. But in reality, my life is really pretty good. I think you are right to just accept these feelings. The shock that I instantly felt when I was informed she died in 1980 triggered my deep sorrow. The fact that I loved her long ago compounded that shock. I appreciate that our brain stores all of these memories in a small space of our memory, and a shock like this can push these memories to the top again.
The fact is that by the end of the High School years I had moved on from her and I was deeply in love with someone else, then a few others, and now I love my wife. But I always wished the best for the girl I loved long ago, and since she was so full of life I guess I expected her life to just continue on that way forever. Which I know was an unrealistic expectation, but one which gave me comfort. So while on the face of it, the heartbreak over someone who was 16 years old, that I have not seen in 48 years, seems absolutely absurd, we really do not have control over how our brain processes the memories triggered by a shock like this. And I feel better accepting that now.
I appreciate your help and listening very much.
@TimD2678
first I agree feelings don't always make sense. I strongly encourage you to keep talking about it. I have been through some loss like this. I think that the parts of it that is a surprise is really hitting you. You might have been more prepared or known before this situation. But then I could be projecting. I know when I've lost it's been the not knowing that has been difficult. you had not been able to get accustomed to experience . I encourage you again to keep talking and writing about it until it becomes easier and more normal. My experience with this other problems, for me anxiety, and feeling of abandonment, are much helped by talking. If you don't talk about it it can sit inside and not get processed. And sometimes it comes out in a moment. It's all right to feel how you feel. Each person experiences things and it could be different for this. There is no timeframe to impose on yourself.i Send my support and hugs
@tidWriter47 Thanks for listening. You are absolutely right about it being the sudden shock and surprise that she died so long ago. Not simply that she died. The way I found on Facebook was that the guy I know she married 5 years after High School posted a request if anyone had a picture of her. He should have enough pictures to sink a rowboat, so I suspected something. Then some people posted pictures that were more than 40 years old and using grammar in the past tense. So at that point I pretty much assumed that she had passed, and I received it as I have done with others from our class that have passed. Sad, but we are getting up there in years. It happens. It was the instant that I read that she died in 1980 and that her whole life had been taken away from her that immediately hit me like a kick in the stomach. All of those feelings you describe are part of the mixture.
Yes, I definitely intend to keep talking it through.
I lost some friends that genuinely care about me every once in a while. I'm on the spectrum of sociopaths. I don't really care about others. I don't feel any remorse when I hurt others' feelings. But now that I've changed and grown, I start to think about my social life and feel lonely and a bit sick of myself. I knida miss them. I deserve this loneliness. I could do nothing about it, so I should move on.
