Panic attacks have taken away my education and my home.

Hi guys! My name is Hailee. Until yesterday, I was a university student. I wanted to be a teacher. Now, that's not going to happen. I came in with an Associate's degree, so I started college as a junior. The first quarter, I failed a class due to poor attendance. I thought it was just an adjustment thing, and I'd be fine. I knew anxiety may have had a lot to do with it, but I didn't admit it to myself at the time. The following quarter, I did great, with an overall GPA above 3.0 (none of my professors that quarter graded attendance). My third quarter, I fell apart, and I began the slow process of admitting to myself I might have a problem.

The fall of my second year, my anxiety had gotten so bad that I found myself frequently contemplating suicide. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had started to have panic attacks. I withdrew from my classes, vowing that I would use the remainder of the quarter to go get help. Instead, I fell into myself and barely left the house until the next quarter started January of this year. The panic attacks were so severe that I would have them three to five times a day, usually on my way to class, or during. In the middle of the quarter, I knew I had missed too much class and forced myself to go despite the panic attack. I spent the entire classtime shaking, scratching myself, pulling my hair, and picking at my skin. I felt outside of myself. I could see my professor and the students immediately around me staring. I was so scared and traumatized - I felt like I had finally lost it and gone insane. After class, without speaking to anyone, I boarded a bus to the city, with the intention of jumping off a bridge. I did not do it. Instead, I finally brought myself in to the counseling office on-campus.

It was too little, too late. I am happy to say that I am now on medication, and not nearly as much of a danger to myself. However, my counselor advised me not to force anything if I was having a panic attack, and as a result, I missed nearly every class during the last three weeks.. I would have been able to pass two of my classes, but the other two depended too heavily on attendance, and I failed. My financial aid has been suspended, and my appeal has been denied. Without any other means of financial support, I'm done here. My husband and I have to move, and will likely be homeless for a time until we're back on our feet. And it's all my fault. I let the panic attacks beat me. I buried my head in the sand and never asked for help until it was too late. I made my husband and I homeless. I ruined the future we had planned. He understands, and he doesn't blame me. He's incredibly supportive in fact (so much so that he's managed to talk about this whole thing like a blessing in disguise). So, he's forgiven me, but how can I possibly forgive myself?