My story or part of it

I always wanna run from it.
Run from the truth. The pain the sadness inside me.

I got bullied badly in elementary school.
Day in, day out for two years at least.

I started to feel bad about myself then.
Right now I feel very fat and sort of ugly. Not totally ugly at least.

My mom didnt see my problems.
Me and my brother just fought and my dad neglected me at some point.

I had no support system. No good one for a long time.

I had friends but they couldnt make up for all the other things.

The bullying destroyed my self image and self esteem when I was only 9 years old.
Having to deal with it alone as nobody helped, I developed a depression.

I didnt wanna live anymore at the age of ten.

My parents didnt even see any of it even happening.

The teachers looked away. They looked away hundred of times.
What assholes and cowards. Such cowards.

Even as I broke my arm, they didnt let me go home but send me to a sport class instead.

My arm needed to be operated and I was lucky I could move it again after the operation.

Since I was a kid back then I didnt know how to handle it.

Something for sure is, that it messed me up.

My soul, my heart, my believe in humanity.

Nowaday nobody can really help me.
I feel very bad and insecure about myself. I am not in touch with what I want or need.
I cry all the time.

Psychatrists put me on anti depressants.
This was their solution for the damage inside me.

I also have been in a hospital for three months.
Yet no change.

I feel still the same.

I know now that the medication doesnt help me.
It was making it even worse!!!

I wanna find out what does help.

I have very low energy level and fight trough the days somehow.

Everyday is a battle.

Its so hard to keep going.

Its hard to even just writing these lines and opening up about my past.

Even I tell myself why are you such a whimp and cant handle it.

My story is the hardest for me personally to deal with.
Even now I dont know how.

Something inside me tells me that I deserve it.
That I am such an ugly person deserving all this.

I start to open up though. To my parents. Friends.

They try to be supportive.

The hardest part is that I dont know how to help myself.
How I can get better or if this is an endless loop.

I developed severe anxiety and self shame seven years ago.
I totally lost it and freaked out.

I wish I could help myself. Do something that can make me feel better.

I feel fat and ugly and like Im never achieving anything. Like all I do is bad.
Or unsuccessful.

I guess I am deeply traumatized.
I feel almost nothing but despair, anxiety, sadness... anger.

I run out of energy to keep me going.
I can only be on standby at the moment.

Deep inside me I carry a hope. Still.